Looking for insight (apologies for length)

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2013
Looking for insight (apologies for length)
Sun, 08-18-2013 - 8:54pm

  For the last 5 years I have been involved with a married man, begun innocently enough, but evolved into not only a very close friendship, but a sexual relationship as well.  Around the inception of said relationship, his wife was filing for divorce.  They worked things out and remained married, although she has since threatened divorce on other occasions as well.  About a year into our affair, she had suspicions about our relationship, but no evidence, so forbid contact, though after a couple months of no contact, we were in touch and continued the affair. There have been times over the years that we were not involved sexually at all (for almost two years at one point) but were still in daily contact, as we have been very close friends and I suppose, become somewhat dependant on each other in that respect.  Recently, she had become suspicious of the very frequent contact and eventually, as a result did end up turning up evidence of our affair, and confronted him.  He did not deny anything (couldnt with the evidence she presented) and after very little discussion it was decided that divorce was the only option, and that is where we are now.  At the point that he and his wife both contacted me to tell me that she knew, and what was going on, I expected to not hear from him for a long while, as he is very broken up about the impending divorce, however, only a few days later he was contacting me and insisting on continuing contact daily, and even came over to see me around a week after his wifes confrontation.  My confusion lies in this: why after losing his marriage because of me, would he want to continue with our relationship? He seemed genuinely surprised and confused when I told him I did not think I would hear from him for a very long time, and also didnt understand why I thought that. In my mind, I would think that rather than face the humiliation and other downsides of having to admit his marriage ended because of this affair, he would just let go and try to forget it even happened and carry on his life without the stigma of continuing a relationship with the homewrecker that ruined his life.  I honestly do not know what to think of these actions and he hasnt been very helpful in helping me to understand what is really going on in his head, and why he is continuing this as if his life hadnt just hit a major speed bump. Very confused, and searching for some sort of clarity or insight. Thanks in advance,


P.S. double posted here and on the all sides board, not sure which will elicit better insights Undecided

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2007
Thu, 08-29-2013 - 7:39pm

I have not posted on this board, or read here in a long time, but I was a member here several years ago. I am not in an affair now, however I was in one that ended about a year ago, after swearing I would never have anything to do with infidelity again. 

Why would he be contacting you?  Well it *could* be because he loves you and realizes that you are the person he wants to be with.  But, since you said that he is very broken up over the impending divorce, I would (and I am sure you are) be wondering if you are just a port in the storm so to speak.  You know, a safe place to be while he picks up the pieces of his life.

Discovery in an affair is a crappy thing.  Really.  I have been there and they were some of the darkest days in my life.  Also, divorce, it is painful.  That is all there is to it.  Painful, even if it is what one wants.  So, here you are, a person who knows him, knows the truth and accepts him anyway.  My guess is, he is facing a lot right now and you are a safe person to be with.

Does this mean he is using you?  I can't say that.  I am just saying that it makes sense that he would be looking for someone who is comfortable when everything else in his life feels the opposite. 

Good luck, and as I used to say a lot, guard your heart and take care of you. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2009
Wed, 09-11-2013 - 2:28pm

First, I don't think you deserve to be described as "the homewrecker who ruined his life." He made his own choices and is responsible for them. It would not be appropriate for him to blame you for what he decided as a grown man to do. Maybe he sees that. Could you both have made better choices? Absolutely. But it's not a life sentence. You can, if you choose, learn from this and move on, either together or separately.

It is possible, as the PP mentioned, that he may be looking for any port in a storm, and that at the same time, he loves you and wants to be with you, or thinks he does. It's a completely confusing and painful time, and it's hard to know which way is up. He's afraid. He's in pain. He's going to do weird things and have a hard time articulating his feelings. He may not mean to jerk you around, but that doesn't mean he might not do it. He's just not thinking clearly right now.

My advice: let him figure it out before anybody makes any decisions about the long term. You can listen, you can ask questions, you can be supportive, but don't get sucked into being a life preserver for him. Take care of yourself. Focus on your plans, your career, your hobbies, your health, your friends. Don't let your life revolve around this relationship. If you respect yourself, he will respect you. Treating you like a flotation device is not respectful. In the end, either he will affirmatively want to be with you because of who you are, or he will decide he needs to move on. Either way, your life won't fall apart, because you will have a life of your own.

Finally, divorce takes a long time and has a lot of ups and downs. He has barely any idea what he's getting into. He can't be relied upon to make good, lasting decisions right now. This is why you make sure you're taking good care of yourself instead of tying your happiness to someone else.

Good luck!

masalterego Is there happily ever after, after an affair? Heck if I know, but I keep writing about it. Please visit my blog. www.nicegirllikeme.blogspot.com