Looking for those who had AP's baby.
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| Thu, 11-05-2009 - 2:05pm |
I've posted here a few times and always found support. My little girl was born in May....one month before AP's divorce was finalized. He was getting a divorce because of the baby.
He says he wants to be in her life and be her dad but he doesn't come around. I talk to him and he is happy to spend time with her if I bring her over but he doesn't ask to see her or make an effort. We have still been seeing each other off and on. I know he is under stress from the fact that he works with his ex and she tends to try to make things very hard for everyone. He still hasn't told his other daughter about our daughter. He told me the other night after his ex contacted me mad at him (she was trying to get me to side with her in a fight they were having# that whatever we #the ex and me) worked out was fine with him. He still hasn't taken our daughter to see his parents but I send them pictures and he says they want to see her.
I just wanted to talk to anyone who had their AP's baby and how it worked out. He tells me he doesn't know what he wants but he doesn't want me to end things or walk away. He knows that I would never keep him from his daughter. I sent him a very "supportive" email the other day telling him that I needed him to start thinking of someone other than himself and that he was being selfish. He responded saying maybe I should send it to his ex it might make her feel better knowing I felt that way.....then he said he wanted to ask me a question. He asked "Are you wanting us to be together".
He loves our daughter I have no doubts about that and he wants to be her dad but I don't know if he will let her be his daughter. Am I expecting too much from him right now.

Expecting "too much" because you want him to be his own daughter's father?
No, you're not expecting too much.
It's sad enough when we expect too little from our APs on our own behalf, but when we start to give them "passes" for their behavior with their children, who deserve an involved and loving parent, that's even worse.
Look inside yourself though, to see if you do want more from him than just a "co-parent". When he left his wife, was there any talk of being with you, or was it strictly for his daughter, OR did his wife throw him out because of his affair?
"He tells me he doesn't know what he wants but he doesn't want me to end things or walk away."
That sounds like he wants to keep you hanging just in case he can't arrange anything better. Don't let him keep you on a string - just walk away! Make him responsible for his daughter. I do hope he steps up and becomes a real part of her life.
I wish you and your daughter well! You deserve better. :-)
You've got a lot of choices. I
His ex had known about me for almost 3 yrs but she did ask for a divorce. She wanted him to never see me or our daughter ever or pay child support....or she wanted a divorce. We did talk about us being together but with the understanding that he would need some time to get his life settled after the divorce. I have been patient when it comes to "us" but it is very hard for me to be patient when it comes to our daughter.
I know the ex has been giving him alot of problems....she even tried to get me to side with her on some issues she has. Last week he said he no longer wanted to talk to her or me and that all children deserved a father and one day that might happen. He said he still wants updates and pictures of our daughter but he doesn't want hear about anything else. He said he wanted a life and to move on. I told him that was fine and goodbye. I told him when he wanted info on his daughter to ask and I would reply but otherwise to leave me alone. I wished him a happy life. He has contacted me twice since then just to say "hi" but I haven't responded. I want to be mad for awhile.
I was just hoping I would find someone who had their AP's baby and the AP stuck around and was a dad.
He probably blames you for getting pregnant and ruining his M. I am saying that sarcastically because he helped you to get pregnant and now he blames you. You didn't get pregnant by yourself. I have seen this in a lot of A. I know of several friends whose mistresses got pg and the MM lost his W because of it and blamed the AP. I know it's dumb because they were a willing participant in having unprotected S. In one case I know of the OC grew up and contacted her father and he still didn't want anything to do with the child. When I asked him why he had shut the OC out of his life this man told me that he lost his W because of his mistress and the OC and now he doesn't want to be bothered with either. I told him how dumb that was and he says he knows but the OC is a continuous reminder of how stupid he was to loose his W (go figure).
What this MM does or doesn't do at this point cannot be of concern to you right now. You have a precious baby to take of. You need to throw yourself into taking care of you and your baby right now. You also need to learn how to love yourself to know that having a baby from someone who doesn't value you
myrasfriend,
Hi, although your answer was kind and supportive, I know that you are a BS and this isn't the right place to post. KWIM? Just saying because I know I'm not allowed to step over on to your board...so its just a kind reminder.
But, besides all that, travelgal, myrasfriend made a very good point. Your xMM could very well hold a grudge towards you for the destruction of his marriage. I'm not saying this is right but its a chance.