Looking for your opinion

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2009
Looking for your opinion
28
Tue, 06-09-2009 - 10:24am

Hello


I am new here. I have been checking out the various posts and find them very interesting. I am in the early stages of having a Affair and am looking to learn/understand more about what I may experience in the future.


First a little about me and how I got here. I am a guy, in my early fortys, I have been married for 9 yrs and have one child who is 8. I am easy going and am often described as a " nice guy". My wife is 9 yrs older than me and is a good caring person at heart. So whats the problem?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2007
Tue, 06-09-2009 - 10:52am

"What do most woman want in a affair? Just some attention or are they also looking for a way out?"

There are as many answers to this as there are women in affairs. The best way to find out what YOUR AP wants is to have good conversations about what you both need, what you both expect, etc. What I personally want in an affair? A loving friend, sex, affection.

"What are typical affairs like? How often do you meet and or talk with each other."

The first question, again, is varied as are all relationships. There probably isn't a "typical" affair. As for mine, we see each other about 3 times a month and communicate through e-mail every day - one or two e-mails a day.

"How long did the affair last? Did they end bad? Have any actually end with you being with other person?"

I have had three affairs. First one was very intense (seeing each other for hours on end two or three times a week) and lasted 1 1/2 years. It ended when I let him go because I felt he was investing too much into me, and I was married, he was single. He needed to move on, for his own good. We parted as friends so it wasn't a "bad" ending. Second one wasn't as intense, we had sporadic short meetings based solely on convenience for him, and ended when I ended it because, frankly, I started to see through his games and manipulation and it was no longer worth it - even though I thought I was in love with him for awhile. It too lasted about 1 1/2 years and I very carefully extricated myself from him on "good terms" because I realized he was someone who could cause huge problems for me if he felt at all angry with me. Third one has been going on for 10 years and is mostly DFWB (dear friends with benefits). Although he's single, I don't see us ever being together in the future and that's nothing I've mislead him about.

"Any advice on how to end current situation the best way possible."

I don't know if there's a good way. But if you can end it without your A ever coming out, it would be less hurtful. I know you feel like you can't leave right away because of your child, but the sooner you end it, the better you will feel about moving on. If you have no intentions of staying, I don't know if I would do MC under the "false pretense" of trying to save the marriage. If you do MC, you should make every effort to really TRY to save your marriage. And it's not such a bad idea to try that - until you try, you don't KNOW that your wife won't change.

Good luck to you whatevr you decide!

Some would say that I fell from grace... but I didn't.

Proud to be a



You've got a lot of choices. I
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2009
Tue, 06-09-2009 - 11:55am

Hi lexione


Thank you for your reply. I guess my questions are some what vaque and "typical" does not best describe things, as you are right there are some many different types of people with different needs and wants.


Due to the fact that this so new to me and not where I thought I would be at this point in my life I am just trying to understand things better. I agree about having a good understanding/conversation with AP of what we need/expect from each other.


Thank you for sharing your A stories with me, hearing other peoples experiences help me relate to what I am doing.


As far MC and saving my marriage, I have put lots of thought in that over the years. The reality is that I would be misleading and lying if I went for counseling and said I would like/wanted to save the M. I have let this go on for to long and I take the blame for that. I am emotionally dead to my M and wife. I think and look at her as a

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2006
Tue, 06-09-2009 - 1:05pm

IT,


Hi,


I'm going to cut to the chase, and please understand this comes from wanting to help you.


I have a friend who routinely acts the way you are acting now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2009
Tue, 06-09-2009 - 4:55pm

You are trying to avoid the "bad" part of this situation.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2007
Tue, 06-09-2009 - 5:38pm

Hi Kini -


I could answer your question to Flying - but I know her - and my friend is perfectly capable of answering for herself.


However - I WAS in an A - now in a RL R with my former AP - and the questions and statement that Flying posed to the OP were exactly the things I said to my BF at the time.

lightning in my heart

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2009
Tue, 06-09-2009 - 7:40pm

Thanks, Lynn.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2007
Tue, 06-09-2009 - 10:14pm

LOL no worries - happens to me all the time!! ;)


And AMEN - standard wording indeed.

lightning in my heart

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2009
Tue, 06-09-2009 - 10:23pm

Hello to everyone who replied to my post and thank you for your opinions and insight. I must say that the reply from flyingagain did seem a bit in my face but that is good LOL. I appreciate all view points and being that I have not shared the whole story about my situation it was good to hear that opinion. Being that I enjoy a good debate I will respond with the following:


In regards to me acting like a friend of flyingagain who is good at getting what he wants without consequences

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2006
Wed, 06-10-2009 - 12:51am

Hey It Happened,


You sound kinda similar to my AP.

~vanillabeanie
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2009
Wed, 06-10-2009 - 10:00am

Hi Vanillabeanie


I enjoyed reading your reply to me. It does sound like I have a lot in common with your AP. The other person I have met HAS gotten my full attention and is completely in my head. That is why I am here looking for answers, opinions, thoughts, other peoples experiences, etc.


Like you my AP

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