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|Sun, 08-26-2012 - 12:11pm|
I'm think I'm starting to realize that my marriage is pretty much dead (for various reasons, including some verbal/emotional abuse), while my AP is more 'torn'/unsure,' or even if he's not torn he's not being so open about it. He has definitely made some comments that prove he is unhappy/emotionally unsatisfied with his current gf, but I don't think his situation is nearly as bad as mine, and plus we all know people say those things but never actually leave. I posted a few weeks ago about how in summer 2013, he has the option of going to another country for a year (when he finishes school) with his gf or staying in the states, which might be able to give us a 'chance' at a real relationship. I know this sounds horrible, but if your ex-gf is in another country, obviously if we were to go public/be more official that would be easier than having her close by.
We had an online chat last night, and I've basically given him every possible hint that I'm strongly considering leaving my H. We started talking about his plans for next year....and he said, "Well, I might go to "X" country! We'll see." To which I blatantly said, "not trying to be rude. but what would you do there? how would you find a job?" And then he replied he wasn't sure, that he would rather apply for these job opportunities in the states that are very competitive, and I told him to apply, and he said he would really appreciate my help with the applications. Sometimes I feel like he is testing me a bit...gauging to see how serious I am about leaving, other times I feel like for whatever reason is stringing me along and is undecided.
We are currently three hours apart (when we did live in the same town it was a PA and EA affair), and he also said he will try to visit me this fall (but actions speak louder than words, so until it happens, whatever) and that a relative of his has an apartment in the city I live in, and he would ask if they need a subletter (thus, positively responding to my comments that if I was financially stable enough to move away from my H, I would).
Anyway, I guess I am just going to have to deal with a roller-coaster until the spring/summer, because if he leaves the country next summer, it's over---I will not wait any more. I understand him not wanting to do anything drastic, and even if he stays in the country who's to say we will be together? But I hate that this affair is starting to have an 'expiration date' (I mean, they all do, to some extent but I guess it's not really hitting me until now) and until I hear the words "I'm not going to country x" (which I may never hear) I will be trying not to fall even harder for him...because I keep telling myself to keep everything at a distance, because I can't guarantee he will come through.
Lastly, I am seeing time and time again in various message boards/anecdotes and it seems men have a much harder time 'leaving' relationships than women...I have seen stories of women getting divorced, then the AP cancelling their own divorce and going back to their wife. I know I have 'made my own' bed, so to speak, and it is my choice to be in emotional turmoil until the spring/summer. But I just wish in the meantime I could prevent myself from falling so hard. I am hoping so much that I will stay as busy as possible to make the time go fast/keep my mind healthy, but I have been busy these past couple weeks and it doesn't always help.
Just thought I would put an update to my story out there...I know a lot of people are in situations where they want to leave, but their AP is undecided, so I know how much that hurts/how frustrating it is.
Also, I'm just generally wondering what his deal is....I feel like we are still both talking 'around' our situation instead of directly about it, and I am a straight-talker type of person, and keep wondering when/if we will have "the talk."