losing myself.....need objectivity

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2004
losing myself.....need objectivity
7
Wed, 04-21-2004 - 11:45am
It has been said that a person won't change until it becomes too painful to stay where they are. I'm at that point and I need to take some action. I have been thinking about my situation so much that I can't seem to unwrap my brain from around it to make a clear, objective decision. I have absolutely no one to talk to about this...I'm hoping to "talk" it over with you on the board in hopes of gaining some clarity.

I feel a definite change from MM. To condense the history: we have know each other for 13 years but have only been involved for 4 months. We've always been good friends. Both M with children (3 each). He moved several years ago and lives close to 7 hours away. The A was very unexpected, although I suspect that these strong feelings have been under the surface somewhere all along. After we were together the first time he brought up the emotional side first in an email...said that he would wake up early in the mornings and couldn't get me out of his mind. He said he has never had someone 'totally consume' him like I did and asked if I was feeling this too. I was, and we began making plans in earnest to meet. It took effort on both parts to make it happen but we did...we managed to get together every two - three weeks. At one point I felt him pulling away, and he picked up in my emails that I noticed. He told me he was having a hard time because every time he saw me I was all he could think about and he was so excited, but then he would go home and feel more and more guilty each time. He was also looking at some life decisions regarding a job change and found that I was a big part of his decisions...which surprised and scared him. Again, I was dealing w/ the same feelings. We agreed that what we had was special and we would just allow things to happen and see where it would lead.

Fast forward a few months. We met in another town and my H, because of some weird coincidences, checked up on my story. After a slight panic attack I pulled it together, left the room and came up with (Lord knows how) a plausible explanation that he believed. MM and I proceeded to have the most intense time together yet. Afterwards he was freaked out and said we should cool things off for a while, and that it wasn't worth hurting our families. He said he was crazy about me, but so was my H obviously, and he felt badly for him. We agreed to take a step back and not force things. Several weeks went by, and although we communicated, his emails were mostly the "how is the weather" variety. I had a meeting near him that we had made plans long ago to meet at, and as I was driving there (4 hour drive for me) I called him. He had "forgotten" about it due to his schedule getting all messed up at work. He seemed to feel badly, and I asked him if he was 'devastated' about not getting to see me. His reply was 'not really.' Talk about a punch in the gut.

Out of the blue a week ago he called me...his family was in town on the way home from vacation and he wanted to get together. I was very surprised since I had pretty much decided he didn't want to continue. We met, only for an hour, and he seemed to be right back where we left off. He even said that if we were going to keep seeing each other he wanted to get a vascetomy. However, no feelings or emotions were discussed other than his saying how much he missed me and how good it felt to be together.

Since then he is back to 'dodging.' When we first got together we both talked about our intense need to see each other and were constantly making plans to meet. Our emails were personal and flirtatious. Now he pointedly ignores personal notes in my emails (little things like 'you were a sight for sore eyes on Friday' go without a reply). He just doesn't respond to them. His emails are along the lines of 'hey, how are you. i'm busy, gotta go.' I told him yesterday that I have some meetings close to where he lives but doesn't seem to want to make the effort to meet. He doesn't flirt any more. Yesterday he said it looks like it might be June before he will have free time, but he wasn't sure.

I am losing myself in this. I find that I have no joy in things I once did, all I want to do is sleep, and I'm hurting. I need to take back my life and my control. I have a couple of options as I see it...1) email him and ask point blank how he feels about me 2) tell him that I won't be his 'beck and call' girl and to call only if and when he wants to have a relationship, not just sex 3) pull back myself and let him wonder where I went. Rain made a comment to another poster about men being attracted to a woman who hadn't been with anyone other than her H. That is my situation and MM knows this about me. Although everything I know about him tells me that he wouldn't just use me like that, I'm not so sure any more.

What do I really want, in my heart of hearts? I want a relationship with this man. I am crazy about him and have never had this intense passion. But I don't want crumbs or a yo-yo relationship. I deserve better than that. I suspect that he has intense feelings for me but it is scaring the heck out of him, and he doesn't know how to handle it. He is coping by being distant. Do I risk pushing him, and the possibility of something wonderful, away by forcing the issue? Do I play 'hard to get' and let him come to his own conclusions about missing me? Do I ask him to analyze his feelings and fill me in? I am trying not to over analyze this, but I can't continue like I have been. Some objective input, maybe some insight to what he might be thinking, is what I really need.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2004
Wed, 04-21-2004 - 6:08pm
Billie -

I so wish I could help you- I don't have any words of wisdom. I am going through the same thing. I've only been "seeing" MM for about 6 months. We've been up and down on this roller coaster tons - we email many times a day and talk constantly, emails get very flirtatious and downright hot, we get together - have a great time, he retreats. We always email, but the tone changes, we discuss not being together, then we switch back, get together again and the entire cycle repeats.

Right now there's something very odd going on -for the first time, he's pulling back on email too and I can't stand it. I am trying very hard to give him his space, but our paths cross both professionally and socially.

We are both M, me for 12 years, him for 2 (next month actually). Ours is a purely intense relationship - neither of us has any desire to leave our marriages.

I've been asking myself of a lot of the same questions you've posed. I'm incredibly attracted to MM and when we are on the same page, I am beyond happy, but the lows are tough and having him mask his feelings and withdraw when he feels guilty is very difficult.

Like I said - no answers, but I'd love to offer hugs.

Whatnow

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2004
Wed, 04-21-2004 - 6:40pm
What Now,

Thanks so much for your support! Your circumstances do sound very much like mine. The ups and downs are very difficult because the R has been so intense. Very hard to describe to someone who hasn't experienced it. My MM has been pulling back even with email as well. I know he is dealing with guilt feelings; I just wish he would open up and share them with me. We are in this together, after all, and holding me at arm's length just hurts me and puts off any type of resolution for him.

I'll be thinking of you, and it is comforting to me to know that I have someone to talk to who can relate. Know that I'll always return the favor!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2004
Thu, 04-22-2004 - 11:25am
I took a huge risk this morning - stopped by MMs office. I had a business issue to discuss for cover, but also asked for an extra 5 minutes to talk. I didn't get much in the way of answers, other than he asked for time to "work through his stuff".

But, when I got back to my office, there was already an email thanking me for stopping up, telling me how good it was to see me and how nice I looked.

Who knows? I'm trying to remind myself of the whole "it is what it is" thing and try not to be so impatient. I guess I'll just have to see -

Today that sounds good - tomorrow I'll be freaking out again!! :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2004
Thu, 04-22-2004 - 12:46pm
I'm trying to keep that in focus too...it is what it is. This ISN'T a normal dating relationship. Yesterday I decided not to be so pitiful and made the decision to let him make contact first. Generally, but not always, I send the first email of the day to see how he is doing, how the day looks, etc. He always responds, even if it is a short note to tell me he has a crazy day in store. I believe he was out of town for a meeting all day yesterday so I didn't expect to hear anything. So far today...nothing. But, I'm making myself keep it all in perspective. I am trying to focus on what I see in his eyes and the things he told me he feels (early in the R).

Feeling great one day, lousy the next... BTDT!! (love those great days though!!!) Hang in there and keep me posted.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2004
Thu, 04-22-2004 - 1:17pm
hi bb -- listen, you are doing the right thing today. keeping your distance and staying focused on the "it is what it is" angle. seriously though, you know feelings change, just as situations do, but you must remember that MM is a man, and as such, when he can't deal with his feelings, he retreats and hides behind being unavailable, until he's ready to get back to you.

if you want to let him continue to yo-yo you up and down, go for it. otherwise, you have to keep your self-respect and that means not emailing, or talking to him, (not the silent treatment, just being civil). keep busy and distract yourself with tasks you like. do take care of yourself, mentally as well as physically, during all this uncertainty.

we're here if you need us.

life

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2004
Thu, 04-22-2004 - 1:27pm
Hey Life,

Thanks for the timely advise. I was just sitting here trying to decide whether or not to drop him an email...ugh! Although I do not want to start playing any 'mind games' I agree that he is doing his bury the head in the sand thing. When (if?) he is ready, he will come around. Till then, I am here and he knows how to get in touch with me.

Billie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2004
Thu, 04-22-2004 - 1:36pm
good for you bb! don't chase him, let him come to you. it's hard, i know, but it will worth it to your self-esteem and dignity if you don't run after him!!

hang in there.

life