LOST AND NEED HELP

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2004
LOST AND NEED HELP
4
Sat, 01-17-2004 - 4:55pm
Hello to everyone I am knew here. I am a married women of 23 years, whom fell in love with a wonderful single man 2 years ago. We have been seeing each other whenever we can off and on. I just had a baby a month ago, and I no if it's his or my husbands. I have a husband made from heaven, but I am in love with this single man. I never thought that sometime like this would happened to me and I don't know what to do. I don't want to lose my lover, but I don't know how long he can stay in a situation like this without wanting more. He has asked to marry me, and I would in a heartbeat if I wasn't already married. However, I have 3 little children including the last child, and I don't know if I can disrupt their lives like that. I feel like that would be a selfish move on my behalf. However, if I don't make a move soon I could lose him. He has been so patient with me. If there is anyone whom could give me any advice. I would appreciate it. Thank you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Sat, 01-17-2004 - 5:24pm
HI Rom

Forget everything is said a PMS sort of day.

FREE




Edited 1/17/2004 11:25:20 PM ET by mefreenow

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sat, 01-17-2004 - 5:52pm
If you are 23 with three small children and fell in love with your OM two years ago, then you started a committed relationship very, very young. I can't even imagine what I would have done in your shoes, because no way was I adult enough to handle a marriage and an A and three kids at 23.

It's extremely insightful for you to note that it would be selfish and disruptive for your kids to leave your H and be with the OM. It definitely would be both of those things. What you "should" do is to figure out your feelings for your H before you do ANYTHING further with the other guy.... certainly before you do anything drastic like leave your H for him (I say this knowing how hard that advice is to take, and even though it would be the best thing by far in the long run for you to take that advice, I'm guessing (statistically) that you probably won't do it.).

Either way you are going to lose a man who is very important to you. Only you can make the decision - is it more important to stay with the husband made from heaven, who is the father of your kids, and work your butt off making the marriage a satisfying one for both of you and for your three children together... or is it more important for you to make a clean break with H to be with a different person? I could tell you what I would do (really), but I am not the one who has to make the very hard decision. Best of luck to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2003
Sat, 01-17-2004 - 5:56pm
Hi Juliet,

At first I could not tell if you have been in a marriage 23 or if are 23 years old, but after reading about your young children, I'm guessing you are 23 years old?

That is quite a dilemma you have, especially not knowing if this new baby is your H's or your lover's. If you plan on staying with your H, then it may not do any good to find out who is really the father and just to assume your H is. I know dishonesty is not a good thing, but you have already gone this far, there would be no need to add this hurt and burden to your H if you decided to stay with him and not confess your A. Is the OM under the impression that the child is your H's, or does he know there is a possibility that it is his and does he want to be involved in this child's life? If that is the case, then the situation may be too complicated for the suggestion I just mentioned.

Since you have a H you say is made of heaven, it appears you want the best of both worlds, in addition to not disrupting things for your family. You stand to loose your lover anyway even if he has asked you to marry him. While I am not in your position, I do know men tend to ask women to marry them and may not really mean it, or they do mean it and later change their mind about it. It's not that uncommon. If your lover is around your age, this is especially true. I don't know a whole lot about him, so I am assuming things here, and this may not be an easy pill to consider swallowing some day, but if he currently has no children, and is single, as much as he may care for you now, don't rule out the possibility that he could want to walk away from the whole situation. Think about it, a single young guy with no children may one day think, "If I can have relations with a married mother of three, I can certainly find someone around my age, whom I am compatible with and could love, who does not already have a marriage and a family". Also, if you did leave your H, your lover can choose to leave you with the rationalization of, "She cheated on her H and disrupted her family over this, do I really want to marry her after all? If she could do that to them, what is she capable of doing to me?" I'm not trying to be cruel here, but these are the VERY things one in you position should SERIOUSLY consider and not be blinded by the passion and the desire to have it all. Many times those who want it all end up with nothing.

I usually just ask questions deep and don't come right out and say what I think one should do, but I think you stand more to loose if you leave your H (or make it so he leaves you) at the risk of keeping your lover, who may not stick around for the long term. If your lover leaves, you will be hurt, but I think that is small potatoes compared to the bigger loss. I don't know, you and others may feel differently.

Pen

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2004
Sat, 01-17-2004 - 10:41pm
juliet, think before you proceed. this kind of relationship is not for the faint of heart. you are only 23 and too young to be in an a in my opinion. see if you can fix the marriage first before you go any further.