Lost & Confused
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| Wed, 08-20-2008 - 10:25pm |
Hey everyone,
I'm new here and I really just need someone to talk to. There is no one I can turn to in real life because all of my family and friends would be ashamed of what I've done. So here is the deal..
My fiance and I were having what you could call a "rough patch" where it seemed like we were arguing constantly and never being intimate. I have an insanely high sex drive and my fiance doesn't. He likes sex occasionally - but nothing crazy and he refuses to spice things up. He is the most kind person I have ever known and he treats me better than anyone so I've accepted most of our differences. He is very consistent, and I can pretty much predict everything he will say and do... I guess I've started to think he is really boring. I know I sound like such a horrible person when I say that.. but I don't know any other way to describe it. Btw, I have talked to him before about our sex drive issue but to no avail. He just says it's the way he is.. which is true.
Anyway.. I started to flirt and be playful to my boss at work who at the time was engaged too. He is not that much older than me and we come from a scarily similar background. He is not the type I would normally be attracted to (although he is hot) but something about him really got to me. The way he looked at me and the way he spoke to me.. After a few weeks of "harmless" flirting we actually ended up talking about how we are so physically attracted to each other and horny for each other. We talked about how morally wrong it would be to do anything and we both had been loyal in the past.. We ended up kissing and I felt so much passion that I hadn't felt in so long and strangely I had no guilt after.
He on the other hand was really guilty but we continued flirting for weeks and he made me feel so sexy and so beautiful. I ended up having all this confidence that I never had before.I bought new clothes...did my hair and makeup everyday etc. Soon we started staying late at work messing around and eventually we ended up having sex... We called it the conclusion to everything as he was getting married soon and I was too.
I'm sorry this is ending up so long! Basically after we ended our fling I started to dream about him every night and think about him constantly. I didn't even want to have sex with my fiance I just wanted my boss.. I told my boss honestly that I had feelings for him but I promised I would ignore them because he was getting married etc. I don't know how he feels about me - but I think he cares for me as well (just not as much). I want more than anything to not feel what I feel for my boss, but he was just so much fun and so much excitement. Anyway I actually quit my job a week ago because it was just getting to difficult to be around him. Every day on my way to work I would tell myself to forget about him and don't care about him. But all it would take is one look from him and I would melt. The time we had our affair I was the happiest I have been in years. He is so happy with his wife and although realistically I don't want to be with him instead of my fiance I still have so many strong feelings for him.
I'm not looking for advice or anything (although that would be nice).. just someone who maybe understands what I'm going through.

Lily, welcome to the board and thank you for sharing your story.
I would like to ask you a question. If what you have with your fiance now is not all you want and dream it to be, then consider what it will be like in a year, five, ten years. Passion dies down between a couple as they spend more time together, so what drive your fiance has now will diminish further in years to come. Do you think you could cope with that without seeking more outside your M? Think very carefully about that. Mutually satisfying sex is an important part of a loving relationship and mismatched libidos are very challenging on relationships. As Bar suggested, go to the mismatched libidos board and read up on the problem. Because, if you're having problems now and you're not married, they will only amplify over time if you can't find a mutually satisfying way of dealing with them now. My advice is to think long and hard about what you want and need from marriage before you enter into it and if you find that you are not getting out of your R everything you need now, then maybe your fiance isn't the right person for you to spend the rest of your life with. I'd consider your A with your boss to be a warning call to you that everything is not as you need it to be.
Trust me on just one thing. If your fiance isn't everything you want and dream of now, then you are going to be unhappy later. I'm not saying it's easy to do, but it's much easier to break up now than to go through a divorce after you are M.
Pisces
Thank you guys for such great responses! I guess the reason I've stayed with my fiance for so long is because I feel that leaving him because I'm not satisfied with our sex life would be selfish.. He really is a great guy and I'm afraid that if I leave him I might never find someone as good or better. He's never played the "sex god" role for me, more of a supportive consistent and loving person in my life (something I feel I never really had). I should also mention he is 10 years older than I am.. but in my heart I know that he is not right for ME, but that doesn't stop me from loving him. But then I ask myself how I could cheat on him if I love him.. and I worry that if I left him I would only find men who would break my heart/cheat. My boyfriends before him were all unfaithful but then again non of us were as serious. I guess what I'm trying to say is if I could cheat on my fiance then anyone could easily cheat on me. But I suppose that is a chance I shouldn't be afraid to take. *sigh* I have so much to think about and it's all very difficult. Thank you both again for giving me such intelligent/wise responses - I really appreciate it.
-Lily
HI lilybud2008.
Obxbell,
I'm so sorry that you have gone through all of that, and I understand how sometimes we can get "stuck" in a situation. I understand completely what you mean when you say that you now need to be turned on by actions or by the person instead of just your thoughts. I too have started to feel this way. My fiance doesn't give me "chills" and there is no spark. He also has no idea what forplay is-and he never has to work to get me into bed with him (since I am always wanting it, and he is never in the mood) so there is no romance or charm or passion (and we have only been together 4 years now). But once again, I love him and he is a good person. But really, isn't life about being happy? I feel like people like us try so hard to be "good" or do the right thing that we put our needs and our happiness aside. Either way, I really wish the best to you.. and I can relate to (most) of what you're going through. You are right too that we shouldn't feel guilty. but sometimes I think that maybe I want/need too much and that I will never be happy.
Dear Bar,
Thank you so much for your post. I am in a very dark place right now in the stage of my looming ex-A and have found comfort and inspiration in your words. I think I have always been looking for validation that my being in the A did not mean I was a bad person deserving of so much pain and yet this is what we are led to believe by many.
I especially appreciate the part where you wrote,