LOST FOR WORDS

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2002
LOST FOR WORDS
7
Tue, 09-09-2003 - 5:47pm
For anyone who red my message last week, when MM was off and didn't call not even on my b-day. Well, he was back yesterday, and didn't even mention or apoligized for not calling. He just asked how my b-day was, and didn't say much. I kept cold and distant because i'm still upset. Than all day he didn't call me or i called him. Today he called and left me a message, just saying hi. I called 4 hours later, and he sounded happy to hear my voice. Then he called just before i left work, just to say good night. Everything seems different with him, i feel he's not into me as he used to be. Our conversations are not as close and intimate as it used to be, it's so formal now. So i decided to call him at work as i driving home and all i asked him was for him to call me tomorrow, i told him we need to talk, that there were somethings that were bothering me, he said sure. So now he's going to call me tomorrow, but my problem is, i'm not sure what i'm going to say to him. I don't want to be all needy and upset, i want to get his interest again, but i don't want to be pushy and naggy about it. I do i get his attention again, and make him ask me to see him again? Please give any suggestions, i'm so desperate for help. Thank you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
In reply to: luizinha
Wed, 09-10-2003 - 8:26am
How long have you been seeing him? Is this the first time he's been distant? It could be he's going through a guilt spell. But even outside of EMAs, men are like this, to varying degrees. Men have trouble with intimacy and when they start feeling too intimate, they feel this need to back away...to get some space and reaffirm their independence. I know it hurts -- my MM does the same sort of thing when he's feeling bad. He'll still call but it won't be as often and he'll be casual and not romantic at all. I've learned during those times just to pull back and let him have his space. Not to get all Men Are From Mars-y on you, but unlike women, when men are having problems they tend to go into their "caves" alone to think it out. Women want to talk, but the more you push, the more you delay their recovery process because they're still going to have to go away from you to get through it. Maybe not physically, but mentally. It's possible that once he's thought it through a while, he'll be back 100% (or however much he was there before). It's possible once he sees you in person, things will be better. It's a lot easier to be "strong" when you're away from each other. That works both ways. I've found with my MM, the best thing I can do during this time is be cool and distant and protected. It often will pull him back toward me a little, but still not completely. The one thing I do that drives him absolutely crazy is to put a lot of effort into looking my absolute best, then avoid eye contact with him and act like I'm indifferent to him. That's easier to do in our circumstance because there are times when we're in the same room together but can't talk -- and our relationship is mostly friendship, so we don't have physical contact. But nothing drives him crazier than for me to be in the same room with him and ignore him. Again, though, that just brings him back a little, not completely. He only comes back completely when he's ready. I know games and manipulation are horrible, but men truly LOATHE clingy women. Hopefully your guy will be better than mine -- when I told him I wanted to "talk" a few weeks ago, he sensed I was about to unload on him and avoided me worse than ever. Like someone here said, you want to be the positive in his life. If he wants nagging and "talking," he can go to his W.
Avatar for imopus
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
In reply to: luizinha
Wed, 09-10-2003 - 8:34am
i agree with what lilah has to say on this... as hard as it might be i would just let him know you sense his distance lately and your willing to give him some space if he needs it... but you will be around when he's ready... i don't think men do as well dealing with that emotional stuff and all the other things going on in their lives... that sometimes they may seem distant but they are just being men... that doesn't excuse the thoughtlessness but it's something we have to deal with when we deal with men... LOL!

opus

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
In reply to: luizinha
Wed, 09-10-2003 - 2:48pm
"Hopefully your guy will be better than mine -- when I told him I wanted to "talk" a few weeks ago, he sensed I was about to unload on him and avoided me worse than ever. Like someone here said, you want to be the positive in his life. If he wants nagging and "talking," he can go to his W."

"Talking" or "the talk" is not unloading or nagging. Its communicating you feelings constructively so that the other person knows what your expectations really are. When you are in any kind of R talking or communicating your feelings, your expectations and thoughts is a must. Lack of communication can bring about misunderstandings, missed oppurtunites and feeling of alienation. I don't think its good avoid talking because you never know what the other person is thinking. You can only GUESS, and hope its right one. I hope your MM realizes that sooner or later....

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2003
In reply to: luizinha
Wed, 09-10-2003 - 4:00pm
I think you ought to tell him exactly how you feel, period. Just tell him that you feel badly that he didn't wish you a happy birthday and that you also feel as if there is some disconnect in your friendship. Ask him how he feels about it all. Then LISTEN. I think you will be FINE if you do that. You won't sound needy. You will sound mature.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2002
In reply to: luizinha
Wed, 09-10-2003 - 8:47pm
i did talk to him more calmly on the phone today. There's been alot of changes at work and they're in between moving to another building, and he says that it's extremelly busy in there right now. I told him that i've been feeling very frustrated about this, and i asked if he need space right now. He said no, that soon everything would be back to normal. At least i know that now he knows how feel, so deprived from his time. He said for me not to stop calling him. But i need more. He's just so stress that don't want to push him harder. How do i asked to see him without seeming to needy?
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2003
In reply to: luizinha
Wed, 09-10-2003 - 9:15pm
Listen, I think you did well in having a calm conversation, but I am going to nitpick a bit:

You asked him if HE needed space. But what you should have done, for your own sake, is to TELL him how YOU feel....as opposed to ASKING him HE feels. Besides, this will actually help you to look less needy. Imagine the following two scenarios:

"MM, do you need me to give you some space...?"

"MM, I feel as if we haven't been connecting lately, and that makes me feel kind of bad."

You tell me: WHICH ONE SEEMS MORE NEEDY????

If you want to see him, TELL HIM you want to see him, as opposed to ASKING him if he wants to see you: "MM, I would really like to see you. How about next week?" If you ASK him, "MM, do you have time to see me?" or "MM, don;t you want to see me?" you will sound needy.

See what I mean?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2002
In reply to: luizinha
Thu, 09-11-2003 - 3:01pm
Thank you, yogachick2003, i followed your advise. I spent all morning, thinking about the right words to say to him when he said he couldn't see me, because he's been complainning all week about how miserably busy he's at work. Well i called him and said, i want to see you, he asked when, i said tommorrow, and he answered sure. I was not quite ready for that answer. But i'm going to keep my fingers crossed, and hope there's no cancelling. For now i'm enjoying my victory...It's been over two weeks since the last time i saw him. I will make sure that i telling all i wanted to say to him and i couldn't on the phone.