Is this love?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2009
Is this love?
5
Tue, 01-13-2009 - 12:57pm

Hi,
I have just recently discovered this board and I think it's great for all of us to have an outlet and support as well.

My post might be a tad long, but please bear with me, I am an emotional train wreck,
and have no one else I can talk to about this so I am hoping to gain some insight and support here,and I hope I can do the same for others.

It has been a year since my A has started, but we define it and always have, as a FWB situation. I have had 2 other short term "flings", but have never in my whole life felt anything as powerful, all consuming and painful as this. My whole world is focused on this, and I hate it. I think I may be in love with him, but am having a hard time admitting or accepting this, this wasn't supposed to happen, it was only supposed to be about sex. We shared a strong connection right away, we are both very similar and of course the sex is off the hook. We are both M, he has one child and I none. We see each other about once a week. For the last few months, after we have been together I am a basket case, crying for days, cant sleep, cant focus on anything else other than wanting him to be in my life for more than just sex. This does eventually fade temporarily, when it is close to the time for us to be together again, then there is next to nothing I will let get in the way of being with him. And then.....the whole cycle starts again.

He has no idea how I feel, I cant seem to make myself vulnerable to him and tell him how I feel for fear of rejection & drama. He has told me it frustrates him that I have a wall up. He says he cares a lot about me and is trying not to fall in love with me. We never discuss leaving our family or anything like that. Though, I probably would if I had the chance. He has admittedly had other A's in his marriage, and to me, that makes him a serial cheater, though I try not to judge of course, (what the hell am I doing) but I am still a woman and see a man cheating through a woman's perspective.

So my conflict is how can I be so stupid to be in love with someone I know is a serial cheater? And probably would do the same to me? (Although he swears I'm different, the best he's ever been with, yada, yada) How can I fall in love when this is based on sex and just some friendship? And how can I believe anything he says, because in my opinion, and I have told him this, a man that cheats on his wife for ten years and never has gotten caught, or even suspects anything, is an excellent liar. How can I be in love with someone when I know, even in my wildest dreams he left, the odds would stacked against us, and would I really want to be a part of breaking up a marriage? I already have some guilt about sleeping with another woman's husband. I guess it boils down to a classic emotions vs. logic thing. So why cant I get control of this thing?

With that being said, I think about him all the time, cant wait to see him or talk to him. He is the first thing I think of in the morning and the last at night. The out of control-ness of my feelings are the worse part. All is want, everyday, is him. I feel like my soul is tortured and I am angry because i probably will never have him. I sometimes get really angry with H for no apparent reason, and have recently figured out that I am angry at H for not being him. Screwed up huh?

I have thought of not taking his calls, or not seeing him when he asks for a week or so, just to gain some sort of control of the situation/myself. Or even to clear my head a bit, put some space in the situation. I hate always being there when he wants me. And this being the center of my existence. But I haven't been able to even do that. I've talked to other men, thinking of starting something else up with someone else, but I don't want anyone else, and that might be really bad having more than one anyway. And it probably will make me feel worse. I try to do other things, keep busy,friends,family, whatever. But he is always there in my head,no matter what I'm doing, who I'm with, wishing I was with him instead.

I have read some stuff on here about love addiction, but I don't know. I have never felt anything like this before. I cannot stress this point enough.

So any advice on whether this is love or addiction? How I could I let myself love someone like this? Even by fighting it all the way until recently? Do I tell him how I feel? Do I break it off? Do I tell how I feel AND break it off? Or just continue on this wonderful but torturous ride and let it go where it takes me?




Edited 1/13/2009 1:01 pm ET by heavennhell
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2000
In reply to: heavennhell
Tue, 01-13-2009 - 1:37pm

Of course this man is a serial cheater. And, most likely, of course you would be foolish to see this affair as any different than any other. But what I suggest you focus on is not him at all, but yourself. Because by the sounds of your post, it's as if he's the only one cheating. You barely mention your husband at all. You say that if he's been cheating for 10 years and never been caught then he must be an excellent liar. Well, what about you? You've been cheating for a year with him, and mention two other flings, all of which require you to lie to your husband, so what does that say about you? You mention that if he were to leave his wife, you wouldn't want to be someone that broke up a marriage, but what about your own? Wouldn't you be breaking up a marriage through infidelity? Look, I'm not trying to bust your chops. Well, maybe, but not with malicious intent. What I'm trying to get you to do is look at things HONESTLY. There are so many posts on this board where married women in an affair talk about their married men in same affair and it's all about them, their behavior, etc. Like their own marriages are just just little complications. Fact is, you're just as married as he is. You say that you are an emotional train wreck. I'm sure you are. So perhaps your better course of action to heal this pain in your life is not what he does or does not do, not whether you can believe or trust him, but what YOU do. Focus on your own marriage. If you cannot find happiness within it, maybe it's time for YOU to do something about YOURS, regardless of what he does. Because therein lies the problem. Unless you're some kind of sex or love addict, something within your marriage is making you unhappy and/or unsatisfied, to the point of betrayal of it. One extramarital relationship, be it fling or more serious, can be understood that sometimes these things happen. But several? Nope....Houston, we have a problem. What it is only you can say. But you should have as much regard for your own husband as you do for his wife.

I would really do some soul searching and take some action. Because you sound not very happy at all, and not many really are when they are not living in the truth. It may be great at first, but it eventually starts to wane as time goes on. Because most people, when it all boils down, really DO want to live in the truth, not lying and sneaking around.

Regardless, I do empathize with how you feel. It's a really tough place to be. Been there, done that.

One other thing....you may be the "best" he's ever had (whatever that means), but I've seen that line many times in many posts on this board. I wouldn't bank much on it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2009
In reply to: heavennhell
Tue, 01-13-2009 - 2:30pm

I appreciate your honesty. I never think for one minute that I am not guilty of cheating as well,the betrayal and the effect it my have on my H if he ever found out.I started this in part, because to "buy some time" not knowing what to do about my own marriage, having tried EVERYTHING, but not ready to let go yet either. I do need some soul searching and am desperate to live in the truth, without a doubt. I have never been so not true to myself or beliefs as I am now. That's the worse part I think. I cant see past what I want and desire to even help myself. This has taken over my whole life and I hate it, but cant seem to get a grip yet. I hope I can soon. I'm not a sex addict, and I don't think I'm a love addict either.

Thanks!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2000
In reply to: heavennhell
Tue, 01-13-2009 - 2:56pm
The best thing to do, then, is to step into the light, so to speak. Get yourself free of the drain this affair is on your emotions (not to mention your soul), and take a good look around you. If your marriage is worth saving, then save it, if you can. Have you tried counseling? And if it's not, set yourself free so that you can find someone you don't have to lie, sneak and wait around for in order to see. You'll be so much happier. It may not seem like it now, but trust me, you will.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2007
In reply to: heavennhell
Tue, 01-13-2009 - 4:45pm

The part that jumped out at me is that you see this man once a week then spend the in between visits time crying for days. So how many days are you not crying? Because that seems very unhealthy for you. Personally, I think you are wise to have some walls up. Given what you know and the stress this relationship seems to be causing you.

You got some great advice to focus on yourself. Do some soul searching and all that. I know how hard that is. Believe me, I know. I know that when you are caught up in the cycle breaking it is very challenging. But I think you should ask yourself what he does during the "off" times. Is he spending his days in a dazed, crying stupor? Does he know that you do? You are correct that the chances are slim that he is going to leave his W. You are correct to think of him as a serial cheater. And you are correct to question his "saying" that it is the best with you. I am sure he very much enjoys your time together. You give him the attention physically and emotionally that he is lacking. Just please watch out for yourself in this and don't let yourself get lost. It is harder to find yourself again than you might think.

As for whether or not this is love or an addiction...I can't answer that you. My guess is though, the fact that you recognize enough to ask the question at all means that you have some idea what that answer is.

~Shadowz
~Shadowz
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2008
In reply to: heavennhell
Tue, 01-13-2009 - 7:16pm

Hi HeavenNHell,


Sounds like you are in a very emotionally charged state right now.