Love Lost, Romance and Hope Found

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2004
Love Lost, Romance and Hope Found
4
Mon, 02-09-2004 - 8:58am
Hello all,

I know these boards are more for the ladies, but I find that a womans insight seems to be more powerful than a mans. I hope you don't mind a guy jumping in but I really feel like I need to get a grasp on what I am felling right now. My wife and I have been in marriage counseling now for sometime and it just feel like we are treading water and goin nowhere fast. Our roles in our M are completely reversed, I love passion, cuddling, carressing and lots of fore-play as well as, well I talk about everything (no I am not a closet homosexual) and there has been no passion in our relationship now for some time, at least 2 1/2 years. I found out recently that one of the problems is that she is obsessed with another guy that is a mutual acquaintance. I have been trying to stay the course and make our marriage better but she keeps pushing me away, keeping me at arms length and our communication seems to be faltering more everyday. I had not even thought about an affair, or even planned one at all. My female friends told me I should but it just isn't me. But, life throws you that curve ball and someone has come into my life. I recently had signifigant time for myself for once and had alot of time to kick things around in my head. During that time, a friend came over to keep me company and talk. Up until that point it had never come out about how we truely felt about one another until this time. Well, we sat and talked for hours the first night. Second night, we sat and talked for even longer, well then things heated up and before to long we were in each others arms. It was the first time I had felt passion like that in years, my heart was in my ears and I was alive being with her. She talked to me and touched me like no one has ever before. But in the end, I could not bring myself to have sex with her, I told her I was not ready, but the moment still is alive in my mind. We sat there for hours just talking, and she cried in my arms because she is friends with my W. She said she felt so bad and felt like a bad person for what happened. But I had been so numb inside from the emtional detachment that my W has place between us that I could not feel bad for what had just transpired. I was more concerned for her and the way she felt and what ws goin through her head. One thing I told her is a quote I learned along time ago "To deny what we feel is to deny what makes us human!" I love my W. But when the one you are with begins to destroy the person you are, to wipe out all that you truely love about yourself and you can say to yourself that I have done everything that I can to make it better, what choice do we have? I know what I did was wrong for my marriage sake, but I cannot stand how I feel, I need more than what my W can offer, and that night, I rediscovered a portion of myself that i thought was dead and buried, that night I was alive again.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 02-09-2004 - 9:19am
Dear blueeyesguy, Without going into details, I can tell you I understand what you are experiencing; finding that part of yourself you thought was lost; trying to work on the marriage; being human; the hesitation to become more involved; the guilt. It is very difficult when you find someone you want to be with; when the marriage has become all that it can be. You have one life; live it. These relationships are not for the weak hearted. It takes strong individuals to endure and perhaps, even find strength they didn't know they had. My relationship has made me stronger, happier, more like the person I had forgotten I was. These A's should not be entered into lightly. They are life changing, even if not apparent on the surface. I would never start another one of these kind of relationships. They are the most difficult kind of relationship to have with anyone. But I do not, for one moment, regret having this other person in my life; not when it has given me affirmation and pure joy and the feeling between us is mutual.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
Mon, 02-09-2004 - 9:32am

hi blueeyesguy and welcome to the board!

CL-Gurlfriend50

Co-CL of My Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2004
Mon, 02-09-2004 - 10:29am
blueeyesguy, I didn't think of you are a closet homo. I believe that is said by people who are bitter & rebuffed by the guy in the first place. Anyway, if you love your W - I would work on the marriage and leave the OW alone. Sometimes we do connect to different people on the same level as our spouse but doesn't mean you should act on the attraction. A good loving realtionship with a spouse is definitely a thing to cherish for rest of your life - for any attraction you have for this woman can get you nowhere real fast - expect for the world of deceit and lies. I don't want to sound like a high morale miss - you know a prude - but mine is a "voice" of experience.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2004
Tue, 02-10-2004 - 5:20pm
Hey Blue.... welcome. Sorry this is late, but I read it a couple of times and it compels me. I'd like to add something to what River said. At least seperate the marriage issue from anything else that might be going on with you and OM. If you don't, and your marriage doesn't survive, you may eventually blame OM, when (as we are often times reminded here) it isn't the affair that breaks up the marriage, but a marriage that succumbs because it was already weak. Perhaps you can decide what you want to do about the marriage, get the ball rolling, then decide what to do about OM. But it sounds like you are starving for love and affection, and I'm not sure you will ever get what you need from your wife without really, really hard work on both sides. Do you have any idea why it is so hard for her to be affectionate with you (don't need to answer -- just something to think about). Also, why do you feel such a strong need for physical affection (again, just a redundant question). Best of luck to you whatever you decide. We're here to listen.