In Love With a Married Man

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2003
In Love With a Married Man
50
Tue, 07-15-2003 - 8:34pm
I've been involved with a married man for over a year and a half. I've never did anything like this before. In the beginning of our relationship it wasn't so hard. However, as time has gone by I'm finding it harder and harder to deal with. This person is somebody that I have know for over ten years. He's not a player or a louse. He tells me he can't leave right now because of his obligations to his children. The round about time frame I got was five years. I can't see myself dealing with this situation for five years. He's everything in a man I've always wanted however he's already taken. I know how he's treated by his wife because I have witnessed it myself when we just friends. What I don't get is how women leave unhappy marriages with their children and go on with their lives. Why is it men use the children or financial reasons as an excuse not to leave or buy time? If they don't have the guts to go on and find their happiness, why get involved with somebody else. I'm at a crossroad, I'm not dense and know the deal but I'm finding it hard to let this person go. Any positive feedback would be appreciated.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2003
Wed, 07-16-2003 - 12:30am
Believe me, as a woman who left her exH with her kids and got on with her life, it is not easy and it took me 15 years to do it, even though for years I had every reason to leave. It can't be easy for men either, and alot of men get raped financially when they leave, especially if there are children involved. My present H did. He got stuck with all the bills, plus child support. Also men do love their children, and it can't be easy to leave them. So I don't think that finances and children is just an excuse in most cases, I think these are very real concerns to men.

Also sometimes, people, men and women, find someone else to fulfill their needs while they are still married, it happens. I was in your position once as the OW, and he stayed with his W and his child, after promising me the world. This was before I met my present H, when I was separated from my exH. The relationship that I had with him thankfully didn't last long, he was foolish, and his W found out a month into it, so we went our separate ways. I don't know how to tell you to let go, it is hard in any situation when you have feelings for someone. But you need to do what is right for you, and you deserve to be first in someone's life. If not your MM's life, then someone else.

After reading this over again, I hope I do not come off as sounding harsh, just know that there are people here who understand your position.

Hugs,

itty

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2003
Wed, 07-16-2003 - 1:17am
HI Cosmo,

You're right where I am right not, I can't wait for my MM forever. I have given him an ultimatum, And he didn't take it so well, we have been involved for 17 months, and I'm not going to just have this a until someone finds out. I mean how long do most EMA's last? I think 17 months is long enough for him to know whether he wants me.. or he wants his W. He has promised me the world, and even asked me to marry him. The passion we share is exciting, and unlike any other relationship I've ever been involved with.

I want my MM all to myself and but most of all I want it to be his decision, and I don't want him to leave and one day regret and blame me in anyway.

So right now me and OM aren't talking hes actually very angry at me.. so I'm trying my hardest to not call him, and let him sort out all of his thoughts and hopefully he'll want me in the end.. if not, I'll live.. I think! LOL

=)
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2003
Wed, 07-16-2003 - 3:24pm
I understand how you feel..that is a good question how long do you give a MM?? I have only been with mine since March and I have had plenty of single guys ask me out but NOOO I want the M one!! I feel the longer it goes the more attached I get...I cant imagine how it must be 1 1/2 years wow...I give it to you.

I wish you the best and there is no reason for him to be angry...he needs to put himself in your shoes...I tell that to mine all the time. How often do you see him??

Im just not the type of person to be the other woman and waiting on a man...but I also do not want to be pushy and smother him also...its tough...not easy...

but like the saying goes you do your bed you ly in it...

and what my MM has told my g/f a man goes as far as a woman lets him...and if he is comfortable with the situation and you accept it then thats the way it will be...I mean I know he gives this advise out then I think well damn..I'm letting him get away too...I dont know if I make much sense...but I do wish you the best.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2003
Wed, 07-16-2003 - 5:07pm
50% of marriages end in divorce

80% have affairs

Infatuation last on average 18 months

Affairs rarely last past 3 years

5% of affairs that are discovered continue into succesfull relationships

Women generally (this is a generalization) have affairs because they are not fulfilled and are looking for somebody to save them

Men have affairs because they do not get enough attention at home and want somebody that makes them feel good.

Most people in EMAs use their children as an excuse because if they told the OM/W they are not leaving their spouse because they love them they think their EMA will end.

There is alot of research about affairs you should investigate.

Your MM only shares the negative aspects of his wife to you because if he came to you and raved about all the wonderful things he won't get laid.

You are in a relationship that has a 5% chance of actually working.

Why do you girls allow men to use you like this?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
Wed, 07-16-2003 - 7:12pm
Interesting. I've actually been looking for research like this... And in a way, it hits me on the nose of staying with my H for the kids... Thanks for sharing that. ~passion
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2003
Wed, 07-16-2003 - 8:20pm
I'm not looking for someone to save me. It is very difficult to find men that are willing to be real. Unfortunately the man that I have a relationship with is very real however unhappily married. He just doesn't tell me how unhappy he is with his wife to talk a good game, I've witnessed it and so have our mutual friends. She basically needs somebody to save her from leaving her home to go to work. Look I know what it is to be in a miserable marriage, I've experienced it myself. However, I chose to leave and live my life. It hasn't been easy but at least I have piece of mind. If it had been the other way around my ex was unhappy and wanted to leave I wouldn't have stopped him. Alot of women stay in unhealthy relationships because they are afraid of making it on their own.

They view their spouses as paychecks, a marriage is not based on duty but on love. Alot of people use marriage as a tool against their partner. Our relationship is not based on getting laid but having compassion, communication, kindness all the ingredients that are the bases for a healthy relationship. It's bad timing, what can I say. One thing I can say about him he doesn't talk bad about her only the pressure of being trapped and treated in a certain manner which is difficult. I know what he's talking about because I've been there. You dread going home, you don't want the person chipping away at you to the point where you forget who you really are and what you have to offer in life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2003
Wed, 07-16-2003 - 9:00pm
mamageek:

I wanted to offer a few ideas:

I believe that most people enter affairs because something is fundamentally wrong with their marriages. I truly do not believe that happily married people have affairs. I believe that your reasons are correct. The only thing I would say differently would be to blend your reasons into one unisex reason. People have affairs because they are unfulfilled, looking to be saved, and don't get enough attention at home. At least that is the case in my A.

I also agree with you that children can be an excuse as to why the MM/MW stays in the M. I also think that it may be easier to stay in the M than to get D. There are a whole host of other reasons, such as relationships with inlaws, friends that would be lost, houses, cars, money, and yes, love and caring for the spouse. Kids offer an out. I mean who can argue with that?? Not all MM offer an excuse. Some just say " I am not leaving my W". Mine did and I am ok with that. I am not leaving my H either.

Not all MM speak badly of their Ws. My MM rarely speaks of his. When he does, it is usually just reference to "we did this or that, etc" I wouldn't allow him to trash her to me. He went there once when he was angry with her. I asked that he stop and he did. Never repeated it again. Same with me and my H. Never speak of him to MM, badly or otherwise.

As for being a "girl", thanks for the compliment, but I am a forty-something professional woman. Unfortunately, the "girl" is long gone.

As for being "used", I guess we are using each other to fulfill a desire.

JMHO

RH

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2003
Wed, 07-16-2003 - 9:26pm
Your words are not harsh but real. I know that men and women are raped finacially a lot of the time in these situations. That's why I try not to put pressure on him. I've never given him an ultimatum. I respect the fact he's a good father and is there for his children. I also know it's not easy because I'm a single mom who has been on her own for over 8 years now. I was scared at first but I couldn't take the emotional and mental abuse any longer. I didn't want my child seeing me unhappy all the time. I didn't plan or set out to fall for a married guy it just worked out that way. He's my best friend first and foremost. He has never let me down in that way which I can appreciate because that's hard to find. I don't know if I can hold on for 5 years. People think there is no chance in hell. I appreciate your support it has been very enlightening for me.

Take care and write back soon.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2003
Wed, 07-16-2003 - 9:48pm
I am glad that you found my words supportive. It is hard being a single mom, and it's hard being married, and it's hard being in an EMA. Life is just hard, but somehow we survive and go on. I have found that as I lived through all these situations in my life, it has made me stronger, although sometimes I don't feel very strong. I don't know if I could stay as an OW knowing that he was not going to leave his W for some time. I need a man to focus on me, guess that is why I am with my H. He is mine, and he is one of those rare faithful men, (unlike myself). He is far from perfect, but I know that he does love me in his way. We have been separated twice in the last 2 years, and it was hard. One of the reasons that I had an EMA was because he was not focusing on me, and I found someone who did. But I was not willing to end my M for my OM, so it ended on a very bittersweet note. Don't get me wrong, it was hard breaking it off with OM, for months I missed him, thought about him, even talked to him in my mind. But I gradually worked through those feelings and now I hardly think of him at all. I think that when you end any relationship, be it an H, an OM, a SM, or a MM, it still hurts and you have to work through those feelings of being separated from someone you grew to care for. If you are strong enough to stay with him, then I hope the best for you. But if you feel that you can't continue this way, be prepared for those feelings that will overwelm you at times. I believe you when you say you did not look to fall in love with a MM, it does happen when you least expect it. Well, only you know what is in your heart, and only you can figure out what you need to do, remember whatever you decide, base it on what's best for you. And it seems whichever way you go you are in for some heartache. Take care and keep us posted.

Hugs,

itty

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2003
Wed, 07-16-2003 - 9:49pm
Thanks for your support it means a lot. He gets angry not at me but at the situation. He's ultimately trapped at this time. If he were to leave now he would lose everything. It's a tricky situation especially if the person your married to is vindictive. I see him everyday we work for the same company. However, we can't spend holidays together or go on vacations. It's hard when it comes to those times. What makes it hard to leave him is he's one of the nicest guys I've ever met. He possess qualites in a man that are hard to find. He's always been honest with me and real which I appreciate. It's not easy for him either, especially when he see's me upset or unhappy. A lot of people don't understand the situation because it hasn't happened to them. I don't like when people start judging you or painting a picture of you that just isn't so. Out all the people in my life he has been the only one there for me and my child. I love him for that and for who he is as a person. Most of these guys out here don't have a clue as to what it is to be a man in this world. They are all about themselves and being players. Like I said in my first message I don't know if I can wait 5 years, but so far I feel like I don't want to lose him.

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