Funny you ask!! My MM and I discussed this a few weeks ago and he discussed it with his W. He asked her for a D but she cant explain it that he says he loves her but explained to her that he loved her becuase they were bestfriends prior to them getting married. But would like to continue being somewhat close becuase of their daughter. I mean his W is a nice person except she is way too needy. He basically married her becuase he had to leave the country and she offered to keep his daughter...then they tried since they always got along but he said he was not inlove with her.
I even explained this to W...you can love your friends, your pets, your parents, etc. But being IN love would be that significant other that makes you feel special. It means ur in love with them...not just a love caring feeling. I THINK I JUST CONFUSED MYSELF and probably u too!!
I could be wrong but this is what we came upon. I would like to know what others think.
I think of "in love" as a feeling which, like most feelings, will eventually pass away - and could well come back again. "Love," OTOH, is a noun and a verb - both a state of being and an act of self-giving. *Real* love is about giving of yourself, not a general sense of being fond of someone.
I love my DH, and I have been "in love" with him on and off for the 20+ years we've been together. I love him forever; it is not fondness or a general positive regard; it is an act that is conscious (though he makes it easy). There are times also when I'm "in love" with him - when he seems exciting and interesting, we bring out the best in each other, and I miss him when he's not there. But even when I'm not *feeling* "in love," I still love him. I remember the first time I realized I wasn't "in love" - we'd been together for a few years - and I was surprised that I still *loved* him, even though that exciting feeling wasn't there. I also remember wondering if it was going to come back, and was relieved that it did. It's been going and coming ever since, depending on circumstances. The more time we get to spend together, doing things of mutual interest besides being parents, the more "in love" with him I feel.
I love my OM and am in love with him. But I *loved* him first, before I felt "in love." He, I believe, felt the same. I realized I was "in love" sooner than he did - that happy-go-lucky, "gee, my life is so much better today because I saw him," pitter-patter, be-still-my-beating-heart feeling.
It's fun to feel "in love," but it's not the basis of a long-term relationship. Feelings come and go, but you have to know how to go on loving through self-giving, even when you don't feel "in love," because that is what a long-term relationship is about.
The word "love" is such an all-encompasing word. It can mean different things to different people, and it can be felt differently by and for people. It has too many facets and dimensions to describe.
I think "being in love" is a part of "love" - I fell in love with my babies...not a romantic love, but that besotted love! I suppose I fell in love with MM...not a mushy love, but a mature love. I could even say I am in love with a few of my closest girlfriends (I am straight, lol) - you know when you can just be yourself, know they accept you for who you are, and love you back.
There are those I love without being in love with, too. I love children, I love lonely senior citizens...there are lots of people I can give my love to.
And some days when I'm feeling fantastic, I can love the whole world, ya know what I mean?
Each can mean a world of things. I love both H and OM. I will always love H. He was my best friend for 20 years. He gave me 4 beautiful, wonderful children. He stood by me when lots of men would have walked the other way. We have worked and struggled so very hard to achieve as close to the ideal family life as we could. We have struggled through many, many heartaches and tribulations together. We will always share that history. I feel the same sort of love towards him as I do any of my other life long friends. I have been in and out of love with him many times over the last two decades. I think the capacity is there for us to remain good friends after the divorce if I can get out of here sooner rather than later -- before I hate the sight of him. I kind of think of us like soldiers who have survived a tremendous battle...there is always that connection, always that recognition that you owe each other your lives.
But do I want to spend the rest of my life with him?? NO! Do I like the person he's become? Not as a husband, I don't. I hope as an ex I'll be able to keep that friendship strong, but a lot depends on him.
As for OM. I love him with that beautiful early love, but I certainly do love him. Of that I am sure. We've been friends for a while, so I've come to respect and admire a great many qualities in this man. I want to learn more and he's such a private person, that could take years, and the thought of spending years learning about him is an exciting one. And I am most definitely in love with him. I know that I am in love with him because my heart does a back flip every time I hear his voice. I go weak in the knees when he starts talking all mushy to me. There's a lot of maturation that needs to take place in this relationship and I'm looking forward to it!!
I even explained this to W...you can love your friends, your pets, your parents, etc. But being IN love would be that significant other that makes you feel special. It means ur in love with them...not just a love caring feeling. I THINK I JUST CONFUSED MYSELF and probably u too!!
I could be wrong but this is what we came upon. I would like to know what others think.
I love my DH, and I have been "in love" with him on and off for the 20+ years we've been together. I love him forever; it is not fondness or a general positive regard; it is an act that is conscious (though he makes it easy). There are times also when I'm "in love" with him - when he seems exciting and interesting, we bring out the best in each other, and I miss him when he's not there. But even when I'm not *feeling* "in love," I still love him. I remember the first time I realized I wasn't "in love" - we'd been together for a few years - and I was surprised that I still *loved* him, even though that exciting feeling wasn't there. I also remember wondering if it was going to come back, and was relieved that it did. It's been going and coming ever since, depending on circumstances. The more time we get to spend together, doing things of mutual interest besides being parents, the more "in love" with him I feel.
I love my OM and am in love with him. But I *loved* him first, before I felt "in love." He, I believe, felt the same. I realized I was "in love" sooner than he did - that happy-go-lucky, "gee, my life is so much better today because I saw him," pitter-patter, be-still-my-beating-heart feeling.
It's fun to feel "in love," but it's not the basis of a long-term relationship. Feelings come and go, but you have to know how to go on loving through self-giving, even when you don't feel "in love," because that is what a long-term relationship is about.
I think "being in love" is a part of "love" - I fell in love with my babies...not a romantic love, but that besotted love! I suppose I fell in love with MM...not a mushy love, but a mature love. I could even say I am in love with a few of my closest girlfriends (I am straight, lol) - you know when you can just be yourself, know they accept you for who you are, and love you back.
There are those I love without being in love with, too. I love children, I love lonely senior citizens...there are lots of people I can give my love to.
And some days when I'm feeling fantastic, I can love the whole world, ya know what I mean?
Meow
But do I want to spend the rest of my life with him?? NO! Do I like the person he's become? Not as a husband, I don't. I hope as an ex I'll be able to keep that friendship strong, but a lot depends on him.
As for OM. I love him with that beautiful early love, but I certainly do love him. Of that I am sure. We've been friends for a while, so I've come to respect and admire a great many qualities in this man. I want to learn more and he's such a private person, that could take years, and the thought of spending years learning about him is an exciting one. And I am most definitely in love with him. I know that I am in love with him because my heart does a back flip every time I hear his voice. I go weak in the knees when he starts talking all mushy to me. There's a lot of maturation that needs to take place in this relationship and I'm looking forward to it!!
HTH
Lucky