To Love or Not to Love as Deeply as AP Does

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2009
To Love or Not to Love as Deeply as AP Does
Fri, 02-15-2013 - 6:11pm

Based on a discussion w/ a friend..

If your AP professes  deep love for you, yet what you feel isn't as intense.. but there is something there.. but it's not something you could be as sure about as your AP is about their feelings..

What would you say or do?

Pretend you are both at the same place?

Make sure AP understands you are a bit less intense about the whole emotion thing?

Change the subject?

Kiss AP so that he'll stop talking about all the mushy stuff?

Just wondering..


I think in my case, I'd make sure she knows where I am as well as that I understand where she is.. and that she and her feelings would be safe with me even if I may not be able to reciprocate at the same level..

Or I may just kiss her to stop talking too :)


iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 02-15-2013 - 7:17pm

I always think it's better to be honest about your feelings in a kind way.  It's mean to pretend to love someone if you really don't, esp. if the consequences are to get the person to continue an affair.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2013
Sat, 02-16-2013 - 9:36pm

Ahhhh very good topic, AP and I are in the crosshares of this and neither of us has the courage to be the first to pull the trigger. We were kissing the other night and I swear he said it, he says everything but....I think a lot of the fears of saying it in these relationships is the boundaries we put up to avoid the hurt. I personally believe in telling people how you feel, but its scary to say those words if the other person isnt ready :( But I like the kissing to quiet the mess idea :)

Community Leader
Registered: 09-21-2007
Mon, 02-18-2013 - 10:50am

As I wish AP would tell me that he loves me and can't live without me, it doesn't appear to ever happen.  lol

But, sticking to the topic at hand, I would probably change the subject.  He has said the "L" word, but will never admit it.  Easier to file the thought away then to breach the subject.


Shadow Word generated at

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2003
Mon, 02-18-2013 - 8:42pm

I struggle with this sometimes. We all just want to be loved, right? And as messed up as I may be, I have no problem expressing my feelings of love to him, even in the face of the a) no response; or b) a squeeze and a thank you. Sometimes though, I get the c) when he tells me he loves me too, and  really makes me feel he's being sincere. Obviously he is, otherwise I don't think we would be entering into out sixth year as we are...

I can live with being the one who loves more, just as long as I know that he does love me back. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2009
Tue, 02-19-2013 - 5:32pm


If you were to choose only one, would you prefer that he respects you but doesn't love you, or vice versa?

Just wondering what your choice would be.

I'd be sad if I had to choose respect, but I would choose it anyway.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2003
Tue, 02-19-2013 - 9:57pm
At first I thought to myself "oooh, that is a tough question" but with further consideration, I would have to choose the respect with no love. I think that respecting me is a form of love, as it would enable me to grow as a woman and human being...and he would know that. Put another way ~ I don't believe he respects his wife...and as for love, I think he's in pretty short supply on that as well. The respect bothers me more than the love...bizarre as that may sound. Good to see everybody coming back!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2010
Sat, 02-23-2013 - 11:34pm

I also had a similar conversation with a friend abut love between AP's. I think both partners should be honest about their feelings with the understanding that it still won't change things. This means that no one will be leaving their marriages to run off with their AP.

My fear is that my AP may not love me as much as i love AP, and that would prevent me from voluntarily speaking up about my strong feelings. At the end of the day, I still don't see the need to to discuss love and feelings like that unless there is a plan to run off into the sunset together. If your AP is treating you well and you are both happy together, what difference does it make whether or not the word "love" is expressed.