Love Quadrange? MM's friend

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2004
Love Quadrange? MM's friend
3
Sun, 05-02-2004 - 11:55pm
No, I'm not having an affair with 2 men.

However, as some of you may have read in one of my posts from a couple weeks ago, MM's friend, who is divorced (a year ago), has been hitting on me. My post from a couple weeks ago talked about how the 3 of us went out, and MM's friend was quite touchy-feely with me. He later admitted to having "a lot to drink" that night. But we've gotten to talk quite a bit more this weekend.

H was out of state this weekend, so I spent 2 nights going out with these 2 guys. MM told me that he thinks his friend likes me. I kind of laughed it off and told him that yes, I think he does. MM thought that his friends flirty disposition towards me was a good cover so we could go out together with MM's friends around.

The thing is, I'm getting to really like this guy. I don't get the sexual sparks that I got initially with MM, but I find this man very intelligent, kind, gentle--maybe why I didn't get that initial "spark" because MM was more aggressive and therefore more "exciting". But this guy is a true gem. He's really helped me think about my marriage and talk through some of my issues. He knows about my R with MM. However, he has not passed judgement about what I am doing, other than telling me to be "true to myself", on several occassions. His wife cheated on him, so he doesn't have reason to have sympathy towards me. Also, he keeps telling me that I have a "kind heart"

Now, my R with MM is still great. We have great sex, great conversations. However, he's battling some of his own demons, he's got a wonderful supportive wife (though she does not do it sexually for him). My R with him has been what I needed to get my self-esteem up. It's made me have the courage to face the fact that my marriage was a failure. It's helped me come to the conclusion that life is too short to tie yourself to an unhappy relationship, especially in my case where I'm still young, and don't have obligations other than to myself.

I am thinking of moving on with my life. Getting a D, starting fresh. MM's friend would be at the top of my list of men to pursue a serious R with. He's single, and I'm finding him to be a really great guy. When I was introduced to MM, it was at the same moment of being introduced to his friend. I liked both the guys, but MM was very aggressive that night in pursuing me, while the other one held back. I was married, after all. He's a successful business owner--I come from a family of business owners, so we talk a lot about stuff like that. He commented last night about needing to have intellectual conversation with your spouse. I never do with my H, and he said that he never did with his W, and he added, "like we're talking here". There's a lot more, but he's really growing on me in a big way.

But I still have that strong physical attraction to MM. I don't want our sex to end. We have such passion for each other that I couldn't make myself strong enough to resist him. These two men are close friends, and I would see both of them all the time.

What a weird dillema to be facing! I never i a million years thought I'd be facing these kinds of "problems"...

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2004
Mon, 05-03-2004 - 12:07am
I am new to this site and I wasn't sure with alot of the lingo. Could someone please fill me in. I know the H=husband, W=wife, and D=divorce, and well the rest I am not sure of. Thank you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2004
Mon, 05-03-2004 - 9:54am
MSG9

Sounds like you have a plan. I don't know, I'm kind of excited for you. It seems like you've figured out that you're responsible for your own happiness and you may be willing to take steps to get it. Good for you.

As for not being able to resist the MM... you most certainly can if you decide to. What you focus on is what you'll receive. Race car drivers call it "looking at the wall." If you look at the wall, you'll crash. If you look at the road... much better chance of staying where you want to be.

You really sound like you need to think about moving out, getting the D. It's ok if the MM is just this transition person to someone else, regardless of who it is. A long time ago someone told me that most people who come into our lives are either vehicles or destinations. I breathlessly told her she was a destination... and she reminded me we don't always stay at one destination. And she was right. So who knows what role these men will play; at least they seem to have you moving.

rain

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2004
Mon, 05-03-2004 - 7:33pm
Rain,

Thanks for that response. I've felt in the past year that I'm in a gigantic transition period of my life. Starting at around age 26, I knew I wasn't happy where I was. I'm rounding the bend and making sense of all this confusion that's taken over my life.

Your description of how people are vehicles or destinations--and that destinations can change. So true. I knew I was unhappy in my M. But I was too much of a whimp to face that reality by myself. MM allowed me to see the light at the end of the tunnel. He made me realize I would not be in alone company if I got a divorce. I knew that, but when you have that confirmation, you gather strength to fight the big fight.

Now that I'm getting this crush on MM's friend, one who is actually accessable, friendly, kind, and generous, I realize that MM may indeed be just a vehicle. He's been one he!! of a ride ;) but the trip may be coming to an end soon. Who knows where I'll end up.