Love vs. In Love
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Love vs. In Love
| Tue, 04-06-2004 - 11:09pm |
OK--so I keep reading all these different threads about people who "love" but who are not "in love", and I just have to ask: what's the difference? Honestly, this is a question with which I have struggled since my A's inception (almost 2 yrs. ago), so I have given it much thought. And while I have elucidated some "working definitions" I'm not so sure that they are accurate. To me, "love" has nothing to do with emotion, but is instead a commitment or perhaps even a business agreement. Conversely, I equate being "in love" with being infatuated. One of the things that really scares me is if my definitions are correct, what is the term for what's in between--or does it even exist? I love my h, but I am in no way in love or remotely attracted to him. We have not had sex since January (we are in our early 30's), and I would be perfectly content--ecstatic even--if I never had to do it again. But truely, I do love him. On the other hand, I am head-over-heels-still-get-butterflies-after-2-years in love with MM. I fully agree that M reality and A reality are two completely distinctive things, but is there a middle ground? I guess what I'm getting at is this: is it possible to actually maintain a lengthy committed relationship and remain "in love"? And if so, what does that mean to you? I know that there are people on this board who refer to themselves as being in "stable" marriages (as does my MM), but I don't think that's what I'm asking about. I also realize that I'm probably the minority as a healthy, attractive, young 30-something who dreads having sex with her husband, and really that scares me too--what's wrong with me? Before I hooked up with MM I worried that I was just broken b/c my drive was so low (reversed, actually), and although I am relieved that I have since discovered that I am physically OK, now I wonder if there is something emotionally wrong, because as hard as I try, I cannot make myself want my h. Any insights?
~Notso
~Notso

V.
Of course you "love" people for different reasons - you love your mom your dad your kids your sister....etc...
but I have always said - you take away the "love" and what is left ???
Being in love with someone is just the reasons you want them in your life - such as the way they challenge you, or the way they listen, etc
The word love I feel is just a word people use because they aren't original enough to say - I adore you - you make me feel like the most important person in this world - I appreciate you and all that you do...etc
JMO
Kikki
So I guess that I Love H - because I stand by my long-term committment to him. And I am In Love with MM, because with him I get the thrill, the passion, the butterflies, all that teenage stuff.
Interesting you should talk about the word "adore" Kikki. MM and I use the word adore in place of the word love. We often say adore, but never say love - like the L word is just too scarey!
One of our other favorite sayings comes from a book of quotes I have --
"In this world you are someone, but to someone you are the world"
So we are always saying to each other "you are my someone in this world" ---
He and I share a connection similar to what you describe
He is an amazing person and I find myself very lucky that he came into my life
dang I miss him
K
I guess I'm different in that I believe I'm "in love" with my husband. He's my rock, my sweetheart and my future. I know that no matter what, he will always be there for me and I for him. We're very much alike and he's my best friend. Yes, like the rest of you here, much of the passion and thrill has gone out of our sex life but because of my A, I have actually rediscovered how to get more of what I want in the bedroom.
On the other hand, I don't see any kind of "real" future with my MM. He's sweet, sexy, a good friend and turns me on quicker than you can flip a light switch. But we're VERY different people (especially politically) and I know that we would never have a real, honest-to-goodness relationship outside of our A so I can't say that I'm in love with him. Yet, in some ways what I feel goes beyond or outside the definitions of "love" or "in love." Again, we don't have the right words for it in this language. Most of the time what we tell each other is "I'm crazy about you," which usually seems to describe our feelings for each other best.
I guess all I really know is that I'm an extremely lucky woman to have two such amazing men in my life!