Love vs. In Love

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-16-2003
Love vs. In Love
5
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 11:09pm
OK--so I keep reading all these different threads about people who "love" but who are not "in love", and I just have to ask: what's the difference? Honestly, this is a question with which I have struggled since my A's inception (almost 2 yrs. ago), so I have given it much thought. And while I have elucidated some "working definitions" I'm not so sure that they are accurate. To me, "love" has nothing to do with emotion, but is instead a commitment or perhaps even a business agreement. Conversely, I equate being "in love" with being infatuated. One of the things that really scares me is if my definitions are correct, what is the term for what's in between--or does it even exist? I love my h, but I am in no way in love or remotely attracted to him. We have not had sex since January (we are in our early 30's), and I would be perfectly content--ecstatic even--if I never had to do it again. But truely, I do love him. On the other hand, I am head-over-heels-still-get-butterflies-after-2-years in love with MM. I fully agree that M reality and A reality are two completely distinctive things, but is there a middle ground? I guess what I'm getting at is this: is it possible to actually maintain a lengthy committed relationship and remain "in love"? And if so, what does that mean to you? I know that there are people on this board who refer to themselves as being in "stable" marriages (as does my MM), but I don't think that's what I'm asking about. I also realize that I'm probably the minority as a healthy, attractive, young 30-something who dreads having sex with her husband, and really that scares me too--what's wrong with me? Before I hooked up with MM I worried that I was just broken b/c my drive was so low (reversed, actually), and although I am relieved that I have since discovered that I am physically OK, now I wonder if there is something emotionally wrong, because as hard as I try, I cannot make myself want my h. Any insights?

~Notso
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2004
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 11:15pm
I have the same issue wiht my H. Great guy and dad. I do love him but certainly am not "in love" with him. I despise having sex with him and for us it's been MONTHS. I equate love as you do. I love H, my kids, pets, family, friends, etc. I am "in love" with, well- another. ( but that's a whole 'nother issue hon.)

V.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2004
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 3:12am
Ask yourself this....take away the love and what do you have left...

Of course you "love" people for different reasons - you love your mom your dad your kids your sister....etc...

but I have always said - you take away the "love" and what is left ???

Being in love with someone is just the reasons you want them in your life - such as the way they challenge you, or the way they listen, etc

The word love I feel is just a word people use because they aren't original enough to say - I adore you - you make me feel like the most important person in this world - I appreciate you and all that you do...etc

JMO

Kikki

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2004
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 4:42am
I think this is a really interesting question and I don't know if we will be able to get to the bottom of it. What I do know, is that despite what people say it IS possible to love 2 men. I know because I do. I love my H and I am committed to him and our partnership, despite my A I don't want to leave. He is my best friend in the world, my companion, knows me better than anyone else and understands so much of me. But like you, the physical attraction has gone, as has the sexual desire. Our sex life is sporadic, I guess. I make a good show of enjoying it, to save his feelings I suppose - but inside I am just waiting for it to be over. I also love my MM - but in a very different way. I have never felt such passion and desire, have never had such incredible sex - his touch makes my skin feel electric. Our bond is our passion and our secret - it enables us to escape and in doing so dismantles all barriers.

So I guess that I Love H - because I stand by my long-term committment to him. And I am In Love with MM, because with him I get the thrill, the passion, the butterflies, all that teenage stuff.

Interesting you should talk about the word "adore" Kikki. MM and I use the word adore in place of the word love. We often say adore, but never say love - like the L word is just too scarey!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2004
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 4:52am
Neurotica....we always use the word "adore" ...

One of our other favorite sayings comes from a book of quotes I have --

"In this world you are someone, but to someone you are the world"

So we are always saying to each other "you are my someone in this world" ---

He and I share a connection similar to what you describe

He is an amazing person and I find myself very lucky that he came into my life

dang I miss him

K

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2004
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 9:06am
In other languages, they have more than one word for "love" because there's obviously more than one kind of love. So this is a hard question to solve in English!

I guess I'm different in that I believe I'm "in love" with my husband. He's my rock, my sweetheart and my future. I know that no matter what, he will always be there for me and I for him. We're very much alike and he's my best friend. Yes, like the rest of you here, much of the passion and thrill has gone out of our sex life but because of my A, I have actually rediscovered how to get more of what I want in the bedroom.

On the other hand, I don't see any kind of "real" future with my MM. He's sweet, sexy, a good friend and turns me on quicker than you can flip a light switch. But we're VERY different people (especially politically) and I know that we would never have a real, honest-to-goodness relationship outside of our A so I can't say that I'm in love with him. Yet, in some ways what I feel goes beyond or outside the definitions of "love" or "in love." Again, we don't have the right words for it in this language. Most of the time what we tell each other is "I'm crazy about you," which usually seems to describe our feelings for each other best.

I guess all I really know is that I'm an extremely lucky woman to have two such amazing men in my life!