Love vs. Sex
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Love vs. Sex
| Wed, 09-17-2003 - 10:26am |
I've been thinking about something this week and I wanted to bounce it off of you all. MM and I haven't had IC yet, just a few kisses. When we get physical, he gets scared and backs off for a while. But he has no problem saying he loves me. (Points to eye, then heart, then me...doesn't actually say the words.) I can't even insinuate it back to him because I'm trying not to admit to myself I'm in love with him. Yet kissing him didn't make me feel guilty... Telling him I love him would. Is that normal? Is it harder for women to say those words in this situation, yet not as hard to get physical? Or is it just me...

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I understand how your feelings have changed a slightly. When you don't see the person for a while or the intimate contact has stopped, it seems like your mind kinda switches over. For me, the longer I am apart or don't talk to OM, the more I give up on the A. I think there are two kinds of people in this world....those that are "outta sight, outta mind" and those that are "absence makes the heart grow fonder"
A person should never say "I love you" to someone else until they're sure that is how they feel. It's also helpful if it doesn't matter to you if the other person doesn't love you back. Love is an act of self-giving.
OTOH, if you feel giddy, excited, infatuated, that's not grounds for saying ILY, in my book. Not when marriages and families are at stake. There has to be more than just a sense of fun. My OM told me early on that he "had a great affection" for me, which was reasonable since we'd known each other for so long, and a nice way of expressing that he liked me, with a little extra warmth. It also didn't create any pressure.
BTW, why does the physical aspect of a relationship have to suddenly go from kisses to IC? My OM and I took 3 months to get to anything intimate and another 4 to get to IC. For us, physical and emotional attachment have gone hand in hand, deepening along the way. I'm not saying that's the way it should be for everyone, by any means, just pointing out that an affair can progress like any other romantic relationship - with conversation, growing affection, and closer contact.
My own feeling is, if he'd been uncomfortable at any point, I would not have pursued it. If he'd indicated he wanted to pursue it but then retreated, my nature is to say, "Hey, what gives - " and then if he says he feels guilty, to drop it. I'm not going to make someone do something they know is fundamentally wrong. Had I ever said I wanted to stop, he would have done the same. I mean, we both had great lives to start with - having an affair would be pointless if it wasn't going to make a great thing even better.
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