Loveless Marriage

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Loveless Marriage
8
Fri, 03-28-2003 - 5:41pm
Make along story short- 6 years in a loveless marriage= no affection - no kissing no hugging no touching whatsosver (well excepted once our twice while real drunk sex!! This eventually leads to separate bedrooms and then as of today I am moving out!! We have kids 3,4&5. Meanwhile about 3 years ago my bestfriend leaves her husband for his bestfriend. About a year after that her ex and I started talking we used to hate each other literally, but he came to me and needed someone to talk to and I am not one to hold a grudge. We would talk about her and how he was doing and stuff he came to our house for dinner and stuff like like. In the meantime my husband and I are getting worse fighting about sex and affection from him and his being so cold a callous (sp) all the time. Well one night my friend ex and I get together!! At first I saw it as a bad thing but, now I realize it was an eye opener!! Sex was awesome!! Mind you my husband and I were in separate rooms by then. After the first time it was like a total tranformation for me cause up until that point I had given up on life!! I was completely over weight I never wore makeup or did my hair- I figured why my husband did notice!! I lost 60 lbs started hooking myself up workin out tanning wearing makeup and doing my hair!! Well it has been two years casual sex with this person and it is so good everytime. He has dated some girls. He is stil in love with my best friend! She is with his friend still. They have both gone back and forth for a while but its clear she doesn't love him!! I do feel guilty about lying to my friend but why she is with his friend and doesn't love her ex. My problem is I have fallen in love with him!! It's been two years casual sex were great friends we talk about everything and when we're together you can feel the cemistry!! No advice please no bashing!! I am having a hard enough time today!! Been crying and moving my stuff I really feel like a failure at my marriage!! If only I could live with no intimacy, no affection and no love or companionship I could make my marriage work!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 03-28-2003 - 6:07pm
You need to get out of your marriage and your EMA real fast and right now!!! Both of them are not providing you the comfort that you need. You don't love your H and he doesn't love you. As far as om/mm he is just using you. Get out, start fresh, go couselling. I think you have been through a lot of mental abuse in your relationships. Take a break from it all and when you are ready for a man go for it. Right now you need to focus on your happiness and you health. Please remember you have three little kids who depend on you for support. You have to take care of yourself first to be able to take care of them. jmho.... HUGS.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 03-28-2003 - 6:12pm
First of all, welcome. we are here to help hon not bash. If you get a nasty response it is from an outsider, not from someone here normally. I'm not sure what to say to you. I think the first thing you need to concentrate on is getting out of the house you're in and making a new home for you and the children. They need that stability right now. Pull yourself together, wipe off your face, smile at your babies, and thank God for them. Now, have you done all that? lol Once you are stabile again, calmly talk with this guy about your feelings and let him open up tp you. Tell him this is what you need to keep going. Whatever his response; keep up your pride. Don't let him take that from you. Personally I am very proud of you for losing that weight and bringing yourself back to where you feel good again on your own. Bravo!!!!!!! Always remember this:You are at the bottom of the barrell right now but honey there is no where else to go but up...Pick yourself up, look at yourself in the mirror, look at those beautiful children and start pulling yourself out of that whole. When you get there, smile because you did it without a MAN!!!! Were here if you need us......hoooked
Avatar for fantasycomingtrue
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sat, 03-29-2003 - 7:02pm
Hey Sweetie,

Understand that you are going through a difficult time. I am here alone w/kids this weekend, not talking to MM really and my friends are busy. I could be feeling really low if I let myself and I have (believe me at times).

I have learned the hard way that it is in you, you control the way you allow people to make you feel. Honestly, you can learn to control it so you can choose to feel good about your kids, about what's good in your life right now or to focus on the bad parts.

And though it may seem a little freaky, karma does play a part in it. Don't laugh, truly. The more you choose to feel good, find the good in everything around you (most of the time) it produces more good in your life and brings better things for you when you most need it.

Just sharing something that's been helping me the past 2 years when I have felt really low and that nothing out there was gonna ever make me feel good again. It's in you before it's in anyone else for you.

Fantasy

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 03-29-2003 - 7:46pm
You said no advice and we gave you some anyway. I hope you're still reading/listening because you have to know that the advice presented here was with the best intentions. We don't bash or make judgement calls, but part of the responsibility in this online friendship we've cultivated it telling each other how we see it, especially if it's something potentiall destructive.

I hope you can pull yourself together enough to see the wonderful strength you have and the support that already exists for you. May I list a few?

1. You have the inner intelligence to know that what you are currently getting in your M is not enough.

2. You have the strength of will and focus to lose weight, take care of yourself, and look your best for YOURSELF. OM finding you attractive was a catalyst, but not your on-going cause.

3. You have the fortitude to take that next, difficult step in DOING something to change your current, unhappy situation

4. You have the passion to love another.

5. You have the compassion to love another.

6. You have three children who adore you whether you had the above traits or not. Every day that they tell you that you are the smartest, most beautiful woman they know, BELIEVE THEM. (I have three of similar ages and I am basking in this affection... god knows what it will be in 10 years! LOL).

So no matter what you do, you know you have what it takes to make the right decisions for you, and therefore the right decisions for your children. So Hook is right... wipe those crying eyes because even though it is tough now and probably going to get tougher, you already know that you have what it takes.

As for OM... well, I agree that you should lay your cards on the table point-blank and let him know that this is what you need, or you need to go elsewhere. Stand your ground and you will maintain your dignity. There is no shame in asking for love. And you will know whether he can or can't give it to you, or if he needs time to think about it (assuming he really hasn't considered moving your relationship beyond 'casual' before now). You lose nothing by giving it a shot and you stand to gain everything.

Good luck to you. Please stick around and keep us posted.

-lily

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 03-29-2003 - 8:42pm
Hon I read your message and felt about ready to cry. I have been married for 4 years at the end of this month. Within only 2 months of getting married H told me that he didn't love me and didn't know if he ever could or was capable of it. Things have gone downhill from there. He does ask for sex but it's only to get his rocks off. He barely even touches me with his hands during it. I too sleep in a separate bed. We can't afford a bigger place so I sleep on the sofa bed. Have been for almost 2 1/2 years. I can hear the strength in what you say. Hurrah for being more confident about your self image and working to make yourself feel and look beautiful. It's hard to loose weight after children. I have one myself. It was almost inspiring to me to hear you say that you are moving. I hope someday soon to separate. I would like to do so by the end of this year. I can't imagine spending another year together like this. H has told me point blank that he never intends to change and that this is the way he is (He was very affectionate before we got married but once he got what he wanted - forget it). I'm glad you have a friend to listen to you and support you. I am in an EMA and my MM has been such a support. When I separate we do plan to get together though he is married too (In a dead marriage as well). I plan though to live on my own for at least 6 mo. We have talked this over and decided that it's better for me to be free of anyone for a short time. I'm glad you came and shared thankyou. I know what it feels like to be married to someone that way. Every Day hurts you more and more. Hugs hon. You will get through this.

TIGERnME
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Sun, 03-30-2003 - 2:10pm
You can rest assured you won't get bashed by the members of this board....Welcome....look forward to speaking with you further....

And i will make one comment...no woman or man on this board should have to live in a loveless, affectionless marriage...and you can't feel like the failure here....it takes two to make a marriage..and your H is not in any way contributing to the success....so don't put the burden upon your shoulders solely as the reason the marriage is ending....

Enjoy your time on your own to really decide which avenue you wish to pursue...and don't rush into any committed relationship at this time..

molly

Avatar for babeslvr
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 03-30-2003 - 3:12pm
i can hear the depression in your letter. i think what you are doing takes courage and bravery. yes leaving is not easy no matter what the reason. but please stop and listen to me. when two people are together they grow and they can grow apart. it takes two to make things work. when one is unwilling to try then the other is left to do what is needed to be done. you have not failed in your M. if you look back over the years you will find that you have learned alot about you and what you want and need. it is part of lifes lessons. in stead of looking at it as a failure look at it as a learning experience. i was told once that love is like a flower, and when the bloom is picked off it can die or it can take time to mend and heal to flourish again. for you you started to flourish be for you had the chance to mend and heal. if you are happy with with this man then do what your heart feels. for you only live once. and as you pack think of the good times and remember at one time there was love. and love your H and yourself enough to let go and be happy. as for the wanting to stay in a loveless, emotionless, sexless,etc. marriage is unfair to you. you are a person who has fine qualities and is worth loving. if you can find the positive to this ending of this part of your life it will be easier for you to deal with. and there is a positive. i wish you the best and hope you continue to remain strong. we are here for you. love and hugs.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 03-30-2003 - 8:11pm
Welcome to the board, it sounds like you could really use a friend and that's exactly what we are all here for. First off good for you for moving out! Be strong hon! It can't be easy. Your not a failure and don't let anyone tell you any different. It takes two to make an M work and if one isn't willing to give what the other needs it become unbearable. You shouldn't have to live without the basic things people need like love, affection and companionship. If I were you I would cool off your EMA while you settle into a new life, you need to get your family settled and take some "You" time. Things aren't going to be easy for awhile and I would get used to being on your own before you make any drastic changes with your OM. I wish you all the best and we are always here if you need to shout, vent, cry or just be heard. Blue