Of lovers and friends...

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2003
Of lovers and friends...
1
Sat, 08-30-2003 - 9:08pm


I feel like my spirits have been lifted reading some of the stories all of you have shared here regarding the other loves in your life. I have struggled a bit in the past, trying to rationalize my feelings and actions of the past, and now I have learned that I am not alone.

I am not married, but I have been in a relationship with the same man (my BF) for nearly 5 years. Things had gone well with the BF for the first two years or so, and while we never had sex (nor to this day we haven't), the BF and I still found intimacy through other forms of physical affection, and looking back, I like to say that I was fulfilled through our physical-emotional bond then. We have many things in common, and those things that we don't/didn't have in common are just enough to make things interesting.

As relationships go on, they change, of course, and that presumed feeling of being emotionally and physically close to him started to fade. He became too involved in school work (having just started medical school in the 3rd year of our relationship), and I was left without the physical relationship, and much of the emotional connection was made through me helping him cope with his stress.

Through all of his time away, I took up a hobby and met a whole bunch of people online through a common interest that we all shared. Of course, as people in any situation get to know each other, we often discussed our personal lives with each other. Through just light casual flirting in a main chat area, I met the man who ultimately we started an EMA.

My heart flutters thinking back to how it all happened in the first place. How did I go from knowing someone as a good online friend to someone who shared many of the same feelings as I had about love and physical-emotional relationships? I am sure all of you have experienced this with the other loves in your life. It kind of sneaks up on you suddenly, you don't necessarily go looking for it. Over the course of a few months more of talking, we learn that we are both moderately satisfied in our primary relationships (I wasn't going to leave my BF, him not going to leave his W), but we were both kind of heartbroken that neither of our "primary partners" were intersted in sex, and we'd both been turned down multiple times and made to feel a bit ashamed about some of the sexual urges we had.

We started our affair both online and on the phone, fulfilling some of our sexual fantasies with a person who could be there to share them with. As things progressed, it became more likely that we would have a chance to meet for real, my work taking me close to where he lived. Needless to say, we have had several wonderful times spent with each other since we met. My heart pounds and my body trembles with such wonderful feeling everytime we are near, even in public where we aren't actively touching each other.

I suppose I gained alot of insight from what others were saying on this board. I feel as though I am lucky to have felt all those feelings toward a person, even if I couldn't be with them as their wife. I feel like our relationship is so strong on so many levels, that even if our physical relationship needed to end (and it had been discussed, that if the feelings of guilt were too great on one of our ends, that it would be okay to end the physical), that we would be friends...and even more. I look to him for advice on many things, and he looks to me for the same. We fill in where our BF and W cannot meet our needs.

I almost wish for everyone to have such a friend. If we are married to that person, and have all of those feelings that we share in our EMA, then we must be the luckiest people ever. If we cannot be married to that person, then we do the next best thing.

While I am not married, and I do have a BF, the hardest part for me is knowing that things are on the rocks between me and the BF, for many reasons. I think that it has boosted my self-esteem to know that my MM makes me feel loved and attractive. If anything, it has kept me working on things with my BF more having taken the edge off of me of having no sex, no feeling of attractiveness from my BF. And I think, on the MM's part...it has made him better able to focus on the needs of his W, which do not include sex. If things end between myself and my BF, I feel as though my MM will always make me feel attractive, and in return, I want to make him feel good and attractive so that we can always have something special between us.

We both want each other to be happy in our lives, and I think that is what makes our affair seem like something a bit deeper.

Thanks for listening :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 08-31-2003 - 8:41am
Hello Kitten, and welcome to the board!

I feel the same, that if our FWB (friends with benefits) were to change to FWOB (friends without benefits), the *friendship* will remain - definitely deeper than before the affair. Because yes, we truly care that the other is happy.

I have thought this before, and am thinking it again having read your post - I would be happy for MM if he could work differences out with W, and they could both be happy in their M...even though it would mean our affair would end, and he could no longer be an emotional support for me. We could still love each other as "just friends". Until then, or until whenever, I know what we have is seperate to whatever MM & W has, as you say, something special.

I have read that ocassionally an affair can help a marriage, or long-term-committment - but I hope you are not the only one working in the relationship between you and BF. And you should know yourself, with or without BF or MM, that you are attractive and loveable (though the validation from MM is wonderful)!

Have a super day,

Meow