Loving H but In-love w/OM

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2003
Loving H but In-love w/OM
12
Mon, 02-23-2004 - 10:30am
Hi..I used to post here all the time but I have only been lurking for awhile..but now I really need some help..I met OM about a month ago..and we have fallen sooo head over heals for eachother..we live about an hour apart but I go down to see him every Friday and I stay until Sunday..we cry when I have to leave on Sundays..its soooo sad..I have been with my H for six years..we got married at 19 and we are both 23..my H is sooo in-love with me..I on the other hand I love him with all my heart and soul but im no longer in-love with him..I left him about a week and a half ago..I told him I needed some time to think about my life and what I want out of it..he has been begging me back saying he will do anything to make our marriage work..I don't know what to do..I feel like crying all the time all I want to do is sleep..I miss my H soooo much..but can I really stay in a marriage where I hate to have sex with him? but Im scared if I leave I will never find anyone who treats me like he does...I mean..dang..the man runs my bath water every single morning for me..also I can't really figure out why Im leaving..I try and tell myself that Im leaving for me..but on the other hand I really really like OM..so, would I have ever left if I had not met him? And its not like he is the first person I have cheated on H with..I have been with three other men..something is missing out of my marriage that I have been going looking for..we have no kids..so this is why Im doing it now..so I wont be going though a mid life crisis when im 40 with three kids because I never got to have the fun dating life..they are both really great guys..I mean..this weekend OM got up in the morning and made me chocolate covered strawberries!! he tells me he is falling in love with me..and that he wants to be with me...and I sit and try to find things wrong with him so I can have an accuse to leave because Im scared I will regret leaving H in the long run because he is such a great guy..who would move the world if I asked him to..I'm even so messed up that I can't tell if Im listening to my heart or my head..so..should I keep with the leaving or go through with a divorce..Sorry for rambleing..Im just really scared and lonely..Thanks..little

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2004
Mon, 02-23-2004 - 11:04am
Do your H a favor. Leave him. Leave him before you hurt him anymore. Leave him so that he will find a woman who KNOWS how to treat him, and will not cheat on him anymore. Do him the favor of letting him find someone who will cherish him, and respect him and honor him. You may think there is something missing. Have you told your H that, or is your answer to run to other men? I think there is something much deeper here that you are unwilling or scared to look at.

Your H sounds like a very sweet man. Leave him, he will heal, but won't heal while you consistently cheat on him.

Life

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
Mon, 02-23-2004 - 11:19am

hi littlesecret.

CL-Gurlfriend50

Co-CL of My Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2003
Mon, 02-23-2004 - 11:27am
yes I have told him before that I think there is something missing..I have also told him that I'm not In-Love with him anymore...and that he needed to find someone who will love him the way he needs to be loved..but he tells me he don't care..that he can make me love him again.that he don't want any other girl...only me..And I do love him with everything..but I don't think its the kind of love you should feel twards your husband..I mean dang...Im only 23 I don't know what the heck I want out of life..I thought I did at 19 but I was wrong..I love him soooo much...but your right I should not treat him like I do...and I will prob regret this when I'm older..because men like him don't come around to often..but really can you live in a marriage where you have to sneek into bed everynight for fear that they might touch you..and you never want to have sex with them..or do all relationships get to this point? little
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2003
Mon, 02-23-2004 - 11:42am
I really don't know how I can love him and can't stand to have sex with him..in the start of our relationship it was great..but now its not..but I tend to do that with alot of men..In the back of my head I think you guys are right..that there is a prob with me and sex..because I was molested as a child by a friends brother for three years..I lost my verginity at 13 and I have always thought I had to please the man...at first I like sex with someone new..but after awhile it becomes dirty to have sex with that person in my head..my mother tells me Im addictied to the first love feeling..maybe she is right...I don't know..I just want to meet someone who I will stay In-Love with for the rest of my life..I love my husband like a brother..not a husband..and I have no Idea why I am falling for OM so fast..its crazy..I guess he is an escape from my life...and I need to face it..but thats what im doing my seperating from H..I just need to clear my head...but its hard when I tell my H not to call because I need time and then he will blow up my phone three or four days later wanting me to come over and talk....which makes it sooo much harder on him because he sees me and cries and begs..and it hurts me sooo much to see him cry...god please help me..little
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Mon, 02-23-2004 - 11:54am
You sound like you're really hurting.

And what you said about do all relationships get to this point where you just want to sneak into bed and not have sex?

Well honey, that's where alot of A's come into play right? That's where alot of us here have taken over, is after the W turns H down regularly for sex. It sounds like you are getting yourself into a vicious circle, where you are turning to another man, how soon before H turns to another woman for the sex you will no longer have with him?

Do you really want to live that way while you are still so young? It seems such a waste, you deserve to be happy. You really need to figure out why you feel this way about H. And if there's any hope there, or not.

Good luck to you.
xxxx
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2004
Mon, 02-23-2004 - 12:11pm
Littlesecret ,

19 is way to young to marry . I did the same mistake married at the age of 18 and by the time I hit 23 , what I wanted from life was different from when I was 19 .

Yeah at 19 I thought I knew it all , now at the age of 40 looking back , I only wished I had someone to guide me .

By age of 25 I was divorced , but with a kid which made things so much harder . You don't have kids get out while you don't .

Your H sounds like a great guy ....but no that isn't enough. if being a great guy was enough I would have already been married again . If sex is important for you then no you can't stay with him and keep cheating on your H it isn't fair to him .

Yes your H will hurt for awhile , but time will heal and when he finds someone who loves him and adores him back he will get over you . Of course for now he can't see it , because now he is in love with you .later he will thank you .


But your reasons for leaving H should be because YOU are not happy , not because of OM .

If things later don't work out with OM , you shouldn't be sorry you left H .

So think hard , and if you truly feel you can't stay with H ( not because of any other man ) then leave H and remember there is always a bigger picture .

I still think that even at 23 you are too young to be in a serious relationship. If I could have done it all over again I wouldn't have gotten married before the age of 30.

Before 30 my ideas and thoughts about life kept changing . By 30 I knew what I wanted and since then it hasn't changed . I think if people would wait longer to marry and really marry for the right reasons , M's would last longer and they would be happy M's .

How many times I hear over and over from people ......."well I got married because I thought it was the right thing to do" , "well he is a great guy ", "she is a nice person", " I was looking for financial support" " She is pretty"

Well we all make mistakes , but it is a matter of correcting them when we do figure out that we made a mistake .

I too married for the wrong reasons . I lost my family I had no one so I thought , ok I should marry and make a family of my own ....big mistake , so when I figured that out I left . Yeah it was hard at the time , but now 15 years later I see it was the best choice I could have made in life . If I was still married I would have been very unhappy and older . I got out while I was still young and had opportunities to build for myself a better and happier life .

and even though life has it's ups and downs ......like now I am a bit down because MM wants NC and I miss him ......even with all that my life is still much better .

At least MM helped me get my Ex Fiancée out of my mind ..........so yes good can also come from something that can also feel bad.

Good luck to you , Hugs Viper

xoxo ViperDiva

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Mon, 02-23-2004 - 12:16pm
Viper, you are so right!! And I personally think it should be AGAINST the law to get married any younger than 25!!

I was married young also, 20, and you are way too young to know what you want in life, long term. And like you said, before you know it you have a child, you are pretty well tied down.

These young women with no children have a real opportunity here to make positive changes to their lives before it is TOO LATE.

Man, if I could be 20 again, my life would have been totally different!! We can only wish.

Oh well, in my next life ...

Dusty
xxxx
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Mon, 02-23-2004 - 12:20pm
HI Little

Have you been in T for the damage caused by the sex abuse, You seem to be fairly classic of women that have been abused not able to maintain a healthy relationship.

Stop looking at your Marriage for the problem and start looking closer to home, before this ruins your life.

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2003
Mon, 02-23-2004 - 12:40pm
No Free I have not had any T for what happend to me...I can't afford it right now..maybe it is what is wrong with me..I don't know..I am such a horrible person for doing all this to him..I look back and go why? why does such a person deserve to have that done..If he only knew what I have doNE.he would hate me...I am a huge mess on the inside right now..which makes it even harder because I have to look ok on the outside!! I am slowly becoming depressed I think..I know I need to tell OM that I can't talk to him awhile so I can find out if im leaving for myself..but I don't want to hurt him either..he does not want me to leave for him..but in my jubled head of mine I can't figure which on it is..I mean I was happy with my H on an everyday basis but there was just something missing..that spark...I don't know..I hate mayself for all of this..little
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Mon, 02-23-2004 - 12:46pm
Littlesecret, are you employed? Because alot of employers offer employee assistance plan where you can speak to counsellors/therapists. If you are working, you should look into that. Also in most community there are non-profit mental health clinics, where either you can obtain services for free or for a minimal cost based on what you can afford to pay.

I would strongly suggest you look into it. These issues will not just go away without getting some help for them. It's like a locked up chain wrapped around you, you have to find the key and unchain yourself.

Dusty
xxxx

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