TO lp213

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
TO lp213
14
Thu, 08-14-2003 - 4:35pm
You wanted to know more about my situation. I hope I do not ramble on too long.

I have been married for 10 years, got married when I was pregnant with my daughter. My marriage has never been an easy or happy one. Have stuck in for the sake of my daughter and my H is really been trying for the last year or so. He just is not easy to talk to and I have always felt that we were not really "meant" for each other. I know that H loves me just not the way I want to be loved, if that makes sense?

OM is someone that I have known for 12 years. Met through H became friends with him. OM was married and is D, helped him through his D which happened 3 years ago. Never had any sexual feelings towards him. Always thought he was a great guy and had a lot in common with him. Sometimes wished my H could be more like him, OM is so laid back and my H is so intense and uptight. They are opposites. Around Jan of this year we started to notice each other in a different way, I would catch him looking at me etc. Fast forward to May we were at a friend's party H was not there we both had a little too much to drink and ended up going home with him. Was the most intense sex of my life. Thought that would be it but it was not. Everytime I have been with him it is great and it is not just the sex. OM always knows what I am thinking without me even saying a word, I could tell H what I am thinking 10X's and he still won't get it. We have both discussed how we feel about each other and how we wish things could be different. OM and I feel like we are in a fantasy when we are alone together I wish I could never leave. It gets harder and harder to see him in social situations, I feel like everything is written on my face. I know that it is hard for him too. We both know that we could never have anything other than we do now. Neither OM or I can believe that we have done this to H, so we do deal with feelings of guilt to. I am trying to take this all one day at a time. To see if I am strong enough to continue like this or see if I will need to end the EMA. I do want OM to be happy, he had a tough divorce but it is hard hear about him with anyone else. I really try to keep these feelings from OM because I know that it is not fair but some selfish part of me does not want him to meet anyone else.

I have rambled on long enough. Would love to hear your story.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2003
In reply to: kew29
Fri, 08-15-2003 - 12:08pm
I am so frustrated. The system or this stupid computer has lost my reply twice. I’m going to try again, so we’ll see what happens. Here is the condensed version.

H and I have been married for almost 14 years, although we have no children. That is a long story and part of our problem. Maybe someday I’ll explain. I totally understand what you said about your H not loving you how you want to be loved. I have the same issue. My H loves me as much as he can, it’s just not a healthy kind of love. He has made me the center of his world to the extent that he has pushed almost everyone else out of his life. He is possessive, controlling, and insecure. He doesn’t communicate well either, mainly because he doesn’t want to put the effort into it. I guess you could use that description for our whole relationship.

I have known OM for over 16 years. H introduced us when we were still in high school. It’s funny because at first OM and I didn’t get along all that well. He has a rather gruff exterior so that people can’t see what a softie he really is. Over the years, we have all spent a lot of time together, double dating, etc. Gradually, OM and I became very close. Whenever he would break up with whomever he was seeing, I was the one he confided in. OM has always been a good friend to me and to my relationship with H. He was even in our wedding. OM and I could talk about anything. Nothing was taboo. That is a big part of what led us to this point. OM told me once that what we share is a form of intimacy, and he’s right. He knows more about me than probably anyone else on this earth. Not the little things, like the name of my elementary school or the name of my first crush, but the real things. How I think, the way I think, and why that is. When things started going badly between H and me, he was the one I told. I had reached a point where I had to have someone to talk to, so the daily phone calls began, and they became the highlight of my day. This was 3 ½ years ago. OM is the one who convinced me to give H another chance, but by then we had both realized there was more between us than just friendship. He first kissed me about 3 years ago. There was so much in that kiss, so much that I hadn’t realized was missing from my life.

In between then and now, a lot has happened. We still haven’t done “it”, and we’re not sure what is going to happen. OM and I both have (had) strong opinions about affairs, and we never expected to end up here. Especially together. We’re trying to figure out whether or not we can deal with the fallout when IC happens. I hate to think of him with someone else, but I don’t want him to spend all of his time alone, and right now I can’t be there. Plus, we don’t know how things would be if we were really available to each other. We’ve been friends a long time, and we realize we could possibly drive each other crazy!

I hope to hear from you again. Sorry this was so long.

lp

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
In reply to: kew29
Fri, 08-15-2003 - 1:48pm
It sounds like you and your H got married young? I was. Only 20. Like I said I was pregnant and my parents really pushed me into marriage. The problem now is I am not the same person I was when I was 20. Communication has always been a problem between H and I. It is not between OM and I. I can tell him anything without being judged and vice versa. On the rare occasion that I go on business trips, I am on the phone with OM at night for hours.

Over the years I never really had much confidence in myself as I have gotten older my confidence has grown. OM has had so much to do with that even before any IC. He has always told me that he wished he could meet someone like me and that he could not find anyone that would messure up. I know that my H does not like any of my newfound confidence. I think that the pain that H has caused me has caused too much damage to our marriage. I have wasted a lot of years crying over my marriage and refuse to do that any more. I know that if my marriage was over I would be fine by myself.

I never thought that I would be involved in an EMA. People that know me now would not believe it. I know that what I am doing is morally wrong but I also don't know if I want IC to stop. If I think about not having IC with OM again I feel like I can't breath. I am trying to take one day at a time and see what life brings me. I think you are smart for taking the step of IC really carefully. It may not live up to your expectations and then you would be disappointed or it could be so far beyond your expectations that it will be all you can think about. It was so far beyond any expectations for both of us, we both still look at each other sometimes in amazement of how it is between us. This will sound stupid but I never knew how intimate sex could be.

I will never be available to OM. He and I made a decision before that we have too many ties to each other. I told him like you that if we were available to each other we may hate each other within a month but I know neither one of us believes that. I wonder why if I had to fall for someone like this, did it have to be my H's best friend?

I hope to hear from you again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2003
In reply to: kew29
Fri, 08-15-2003 - 4:27pm
You’re right. I was barely 19. I was also stupid. Looking back now, I realize there were problems before we married. I thought they were situational, but I guess not. It was a prelude of things to come. One reason that I didn’t realize the communication issue sooner is because OM was always there. Kind of an intermediary.

Good for you on the confidence. You know, they say that is one of the sexiest things about a person. I think mine has gone the other way. It started out high, and over the years it has decreased. I think my H prefers that. He is really good at the subtle comments, questioning what I’m wearing, etc. H used to tell me that I had a big butt, until I finally pointed out to him that I’m not the one who has gained 60 pounds since graduation. I’m not sure if you consider it self confidence or not, but the best thing OM did for me when H and I really started having problems, was to remind me that I used to have a backbone. He reminded me that I didn’t have to let H push me around.

I too believe that H has done too much damage to ever really be able to repair our M. I did leave him 2 years ago, but he convinced me to come home. I wish I hadn’t done it, but he can be so charming when he wants to be. He made a lot of promises and finally agreed to go to counseling with me. He has since broken those promises and crossed lines that he shouldn’t have. But once again, it was a matter of timing and I didn’t leave when I should have. Now he is trying really hard to make things good. You know, the honeymoon phase of an emotionally abusive relationship. I’m proof that recognizing the problem isn’t always enough.

I have to agree. I never believed that I could be involved in an EMA. Sometimes I wonder if this has happened because I was too judgmental. Everything was black and white for me, and now I know that’s not true. There’s a whole rainbow of gray. People who know us would never even believe we were having problems. We just don’t show it outside of our home.

We’re trying to be smart about the whole thing, but let’s face it, someone’s heart is going to get broken. OM has questioned whether he is only a “side-dish”. I told him early on that I wasn’t leaving. The truth is that I don’t know what I’m doing, and I didn’t want to lead him on. We actually got to see each other last night. I asked him if he wanted me to tell him I would leave and he said he would rather I told him that I wouldn’t leave if there were IC between us. I told him that I couldn’t do that. I am so afraid that if/when we do have IC, that it’s going to make me realize what I’m missing. Not because of OM but because of H.

I’ve wondered too why it had to be H’s best friend, but I know it’s because of who he is. Because of the R that we have built over the years. And no matter how it ends, I feel lucky that we’ve had what we do.

lp

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
In reply to: kew29
Mon, 08-18-2003 - 10:48am
Good Morning,

Just saw your message this am. I usually only check this board at work on break etc..

I think getting married so young does account for a lot of the problems that H and I have had. Who knows what they want when they are 20 years old? I had trouble picking what classes to take in college, what made me think that I could pick out a H that I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with??

Confidence is a tough thing have and hold on too. For years I would tell H he would looked nice etc when we were getting ready to go out and he rarely has a compliment for me. I had a C-Section with my daughter and still have the little pouch near my scar that I can't get rid of not matter how hard I try, other than that I am in decent shape, run work out etc.. H actually had the nerve to comment on my stomach negatively I look back and think about how foolish I am to let him put me down. OM tells me I should accept it as part of myself and be proud that it is from having my daughter.

How was your weekend? On Saturday went out with group of friends and OM was there, spent most of the night talking with him. Had such a good time talking with him. Sometimes it is a good thing that H pays no attention to me when we are out. Planning on spending tommorrow with OM alone. I am looking forward to it but it really does make things harder. I find that after OM and I have spent the day together alone, I really just want to be by myself for the rest of the night.

As you said, I am trying to take R with OM one day at a time and enjoy it for what it is. OM and I made an agreement that if one of us could no longer handle IC than we would be honest with the other one before it affected our friendship. Even if H and I ever did D, OM and I would still see each other frequently. I think I mentioned before that OM's brother is married to my sister. Let me tell you my sister and brother-in law would have a heart attack if they ever found out about us. I agree though someone is going to end up with a broken heart no matter what way this goes.

Have a good day.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2003
In reply to: kew29
Mon, 08-18-2003 - 12:20pm
Hello!

Don’t worry about just seeing my message. I was afraid you would reply over the weekend and think I was ignoring you. I can’t check the board from home for obvious reasons.

The weekend was ok. Is it hard for you to see OM in social situations? I rarely see OM when other people are around. I am afraid that everything would show on my face. Thursday night when I got to see OM, we drove to another town about 20 miles away and went to dinner. It was so funny, the waitress obviously thought we were married. She was an older lady, and she was giving OM such a hard time. She told us that she could tell by the way he was treating me, that it would be ok for her to pick on him. There were times during dinner, when I would catch him staring at me with so much love on his face. We rarely get to see each other at night, so this was a real treat for me.

Enjoy tomorrow. Do you really get to have the whole day with OM? I can’t remember the last time that happened for me. After you see OM, is it harder because you miss him more, or because you’re going home to someone else? Sometimes I feel like the more I get, the more I want. Does that make sense? I understand what you mean about wanting to be alone. After I see OM, I try to commit every word and action to memory. If H is around when I’m doing that, he wants to know why I’m smiling so much.

Do you really think that you could never be together if you D? I don’t mean anytime soon, but friends often develop deeper feelings for each other. Especially if you’re still seeing him at your sister’s house, etc. I’m not sure how my family would react. I’ll have to think about that and get back with you.

Talk to you soon.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
In reply to: kew29
Mon, 08-18-2003 - 4:24pm
Seeing OM in social situations is very hard for me and it happens often usually once a week. I do always feel like everything is written all over my face. I know OM thinks its hard too, he always says he has to be careful when he is looking at me etc. We try hard to keep things normal looking. If you can imagine the first time we saw each other after our 1st time being together intimately was my sister's wedding rehersal dinner. If I did not drop dead of an anxiety attack then I don't think that I ever will. One time after spending the whole day together we then saw each other that night in a social situation, everytime we would look at each other we would grin from ear to ear. As I said the one advantage is that when we are out my H does not pay much attention to me, so he wouldn't catch on if we were sneaking glances etc..

That is great that you got to go to dinner the other night with OM. I am too scared to go anywear around where I live with OM. I live in a city in which everyone knows each other etc..

Tommorrow I get up like I am going to work and I do get to spend the day with OM hanging out. We always have a great time alone together. I think when I go home it is hard for me because I do have to go home to someone else. Sometimes it is so frustrating I just want to scream. To have such a wonderful day with OM and then have to go home and listen to H complain. I can relate to the more you get the more you want with OM, I am really trying to keep those feelings in check. I told myself the day I can't control them is the day I will have to end IC. I also try to record everything to memory of the time OM and I spend together. I feel that even if it does end at least I will have my memories.

I really don't think that OM and I could be together even if I got D. I think my family would accept it if down the road something happened between OM and I but I know friends could not. It would end OM and H's friendship and they have been friends for years. Like you said who knows though, he is someone that I will see at my sister's etc... Right now my sister is trying to get pregnant and OM and I will be that baby's godparents if you can imagine. I know I have said this before but I still don't understand how I could get myself in this situation. As you said before, there are so many gray areas in life. Who knew life could be so confusing?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2003
In reply to: kew29
Tue, 08-19-2003 - 11:23am
Hi,

Sorry I didn’t get a chance to reply yesterday. Things were really hectic at work. I’m not expecting to hear from you today, but thought I’d write while I could. I hope you had a great day.

I felt so bad yesterday. At lunch, I drove by a flower shop and almost stopped to send flowers to OM to thank him for dinner and the evening. The only thing that stopped me is that I’m not sure how he would feel about that. When I got back to work, there were flowers on my desk. From H. No special occasion, just because. I’m almost wishing that this honeymoon phase would end, and he would return to being a jerk.

When you get a day with OM, do you spend your time at his place or go somewhere else? This is one thing OM and I are having a problem with. I can’t drive to his house because he lives by several of my H’s relatives. OM also has a roommate, so we can only be at his house if the other guy is at work. We are trying to figure out something, but it seems that a hotel is the only real solution. We just aren’t sure about that.

OM and I live in a town with a population of about 70,000. At least until the college students descend on us. However, we are both fairly well known. OM is a public employee in a neighboring community, and I just know way too many people. H is in sales and a lot of his clients know me. At least by sight. So being seen together could be bad, unless it is someone who knows that we are friends. And even then if we are doing something we shouldn’t. One of the hardest things about this situation, is that I just want to be able to do ordinary things with OM. Go out without worrying who will see us, hold hands, you know?

Just one more question and I’ll close for today. How close are H and OM? I only ask this because OM told me the other night that the only thing that kept him and H close for several years was me. I was the one urging H to call OM, or inviting him to join us for dinner, etc. Plus, it was the only way he could be close to me. Something to think about.

Take care of you.

lp

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
In reply to: kew29
Wed, 08-20-2003 - 11:01am
Hello,

Yesterday was great until I dealt with the disappointment of going home. I feel like a little kid the day after Christmas. It is so nice just to spend the day talking, hanging out etc. I am so relaxed with OM and can just be myself. I don't feel like I can be myself around H. In the past if I try to tell H how I am feeling we usually end up in some type of an arguement or he just doesn't listen. It became easier to keep things to myself, if you know what I mean?



When we spend time together we always go to OM's house. Luckily where he lives there is a place to park my car so that it will not be spotted. We have also met and I have left my car and driven to back to his house with me practically laying on the backseat of the car. OM does have a roommate so we can only get together when he is at work. OM is getting his own place at the end of September but he is also going to back in school and will be working full-time so we will have to see how that plays out.

I do wish that we could go out in public and act like a normal couple. Like you we are in the same situation, we all know too many people in the area. The only time we go out is in a group of friends, often without H being there. That is one of the benefits of having mutual friends. We can't act like a couple but at least we get to spend time together and no one would ever be suspicious if we were talking.

I know what you mean about feeling guilty. My H is really trying as well and I am just not into it. For me I think it may be a case of it being a little too late but H's reasoning is why would I be unhappy if he is "trying". I have been hoping for the last few months that he does something to screw up and then I would have my out.

H and OM are close. They would be even if I was not in the mix. OM has always been observant about my relationship with H though, even before anything happened between us. He has often wondered before how I put up with H. Even before our A, I knew that I had a good friend in OM. Even though your OM feels that you have keep your friendship with H together, does your H feel that way or does he consider himself close to OM?

Well, I need to get back to work. Have a good day.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2003
In reply to: kew29
Wed, 08-20-2003 - 1:53pm
Hi,

I can relate to keeping things to yourself and the reasons why. Although now whenever I try that it inspires 20 questions – what’s wrong, do you feel ok, etc. Which is driving me nuts. It was that way last night. Just because I was tired and didn’t really have anything to say.

I can understand about hoping he will screw up. Sometimes I feel that way, then I feel bad for thinking like that. It’s a vicious cycle. I had my opportunity in April, but the timing was really bad. I think that is why he is on such good behavior right now, he knows that he pushed me too far. I was in the middle of a huge family commitment and not working at the time, so it would have been really hard for me to leave. It seems that it is always something.

My H doesn’t really even think about OM most of the time. As I said in a previous post, at some point H decided that he didn’t need friends. The only people that he’s close to are members of my family. It’s funny because OM still considers H to be his best friend (and this has really bothered him because of that), but H considers my BIL to be his best friend. A few years ago, before there was even anything going on, my H decided that OM and I talked too much. So now he just doesn’t get to know how much we talk. Every couple of months H will ask if I have talked to OM. Before anything started between us, H got really jealous in general and especially of OM. I was complaining to my Mom and she told me that if it was important for me to talk to OM that I should do it and just not tell H about it. My Mom was a very smart woman, and I really wish that she were here for me to talk to about this. This is how far H’s jealousy has gone – A couple of weeks ago, we saw OM’s xW and Son out in public. OM’s son talked to me and later I got the third degree about it. I don’t know what he was thinking. Maybe that I had seen OM’s S while having kinky sex with OM?! Not really, I don’t think that H believes that. I just don’t understand the way he thinks. Surely H isn’t jealous of a child?

I’d better go. I just spent 30 minutes on the phone with OM. On the downside, we don’t get to have lunch together :-( but we are trying to figure out a way to get some time together. When you spend the day with OM, do you call in sick or just take the day off?

lp

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
In reply to: kew29
Sat, 08-23-2003 - 8:55am
Sorry, that I have not replied back sooner. At work we can not log into any message boards or external e-mail because of the virus that has been going around. So it is Saturday morning and my H is at working, so I have a little time to myself.

It it tough for your H to be so close to your family? Mine is really close to my family and that is part of the reason I would feel so guily for leaving. His own family is pretty messed up and he is not that close to them. Your Mom does sound like a wise person I am sorry that you no longer can talk to her. I could never confide any of this to my mother, my mother believes until "death do us part" unless there is physical abuse or something like that going on. My H actually talked to my mother and told her we were having problems because I wanted a baby. He needs to blame it on something!! My mother told my sister about this who then in turn told me because she didn't think that it was right that H would tell my Mom about our problems. I flipped out at H. I am a very private person and don't like people to know what goes on in my relationships etc. Now everytime I talk to my mother she offers to babysit for my daughter, so H and I can go away. She means well but she can drive me nuts.

I do usually take a vacation day from work so OM and I can spend the day, a couple of times when we have spent just the afternoon together I have left early for "Dr's Appointments". Luckily my boss is pretty flexible, as there are plenty of nights I stay late to finish projects etc.. Even if you can't spend time together at OM's house maybe you could take a day trip somewhere. Before it was "beach season" around here OM and I took a ride and hung out on the deserted beach that was one of our best days together, I am looking forward to the fall to do it again. It is much too risky in the summer, too many people. I wish I worked close enough to home so OM and I could have lunch together, then I could see him more.

On Thursday, OM took my daughter for the day and they went to the local amusement park until 9 at night, she had such a good time. I had to pick her up at OM's house and I had never felt so much love for him. He spent 9 hours at an amusement park with her and they both had a ball. It occurred to me that he has the patience to spend time with my daugher doing something she wanted to do when my own H does not. I am really trying to get my emotions in check and figure out what I want. I just feel that if I stay married to H there is a whole world out there that I will be missing out on. I don't want to wake up and be 50 one day and feel that I have wasted my life. Do you know what I mean?

Tonight I will most likely see OM. H and I have a party to go to and OM plans on going when he gets out of work. He works second shift. So I am looking forward to that no matter how awkward it can be.

Well, I have rambled on long enough. I really does help even just typing down some of my feelings.

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