TO lp213

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
TO lp213
14
Thu, 08-14-2003 - 4:35pm
You wanted to know more about my situation. I hope I do not ramble on too long.

I have been married for 10 years, got married when I was pregnant with my daughter. My marriage has never been an easy or happy one. Have stuck in for the sake of my daughter and my H is really been trying for the last year or so. He just is not easy to talk to and I have always felt that we were not really "meant" for each other. I know that H loves me just not the way I want to be loved, if that makes sense?

OM is someone that I have known for 12 years. Met through H became friends with him. OM was married and is D, helped him through his D which happened 3 years ago. Never had any sexual feelings towards him. Always thought he was a great guy and had a lot in common with him. Sometimes wished my H could be more like him, OM is so laid back and my H is so intense and uptight. They are opposites. Around Jan of this year we started to notice each other in a different way, I would catch him looking at me etc. Fast forward to May we were at a friend's party H was not there we both had a little too much to drink and ended up going home with him. Was the most intense sex of my life. Thought that would be it but it was not. Everytime I have been with him it is great and it is not just the sex. OM always knows what I am thinking without me even saying a word, I could tell H what I am thinking 10X's and he still won't get it. We have both discussed how we feel about each other and how we wish things could be different. OM and I feel like we are in a fantasy when we are alone together I wish I could never leave. It gets harder and harder to see him in social situations, I feel like everything is written on my face. I know that it is hard for him too. We both know that we could never have anything other than we do now. Neither OM or I can believe that we have done this to H, so we do deal with feelings of guilt to. I am trying to take this all one day at a time. To see if I am strong enough to continue like this or see if I will need to end the EMA. I do want OM to be happy, he had a tough divorce but it is hard hear about him with anyone else. I really try to keep these feelings from OM because I know that it is not fair but some selfish part of me does not want him to meet anyone else.

I have rambled on long enough. Would love to hear your story.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2003
In reply to: kew29
Mon, 08-25-2003 - 5:23pm
Hi,

Don’t worry about how long it takes to reply. Now I feel like I’ve left you hanging. It seems like every time I have gotten online today someone comes to my desk and walks behind me for some reason, so I have to close out. It would help if it didn’t say My Affair Support at the top of the page.

It is hard that H is close to my family. When we separated before, my family was very unsupportive. My sister told me that she didn’t want to get in the middle, but then she was hanging out with H on Friday nights. They talked on the phone and H knew more about what was going on with my family than I did. And this is my closest sister. She and I had a talk about that. I guess it just boils down to the fact that my family didn’t know how to be supportive. I still love her, but now I know there are some things I can never tell her. Its kinda funny because her best friend is involved in an EMA and she told me once that she didn’t agree with it, but she loved her no matter what. And I was thinking that I didn’t get that kind of support and I wasn’t even in an EMA at the time. I actually separated from H during one of my NC periods with OM. I told OM all along that he wouldn’t be the reason I left, and he didn’t even know about it until after the fact.

I’m just not sure how I can swing taking a day off without H finding out. He calls me several times a day whether I’m at home or at work. OM and I talked in the spring about taking a day trip, but so far that hasn’t happened. During the same conversation he told me he wanted to see me at least once a week, but dang it, that hasn’t happened either. I think summer is actually one of the worst times for us to actually see each other. This is going to be a bad week for me. OM is out of town until Friday, then when I’ll actually have some free time, he’ll have to work all weekend. My OM works second shift also. I tried to get a job working second shift so that we would have a better chance of seeing each other, but that didn’t pan out. Too bad.

I think I know what you mean about what you’re missing out on. Sometimes I feel that way too. I look back now and wish that I had stayed gone. But I couldn’t do it. I really wanted children and I thought I had a better chance of that with H than if I had to start over. Does that make sense? My biological clock is ticking, and it seems like a lot of pressure to find someone and say “Quick, get me pregnant.” But I recently realized that I can’t have a child with H. It would be a huge mistake. So now I’m trying to come to grips with the fact that it just may never happen. I think the thing I miss the most is passion. It just isn’t there with my h. I know that relationships change, but it shouldn’t totally disappear.

I agree that it does help to just type these things out and I am so glad that I found you. I hadn’t seen anyone else who was involved with the best friend. I read an article about EMA’s and the one thing it said was to stay away from friends of your spouse. Guess I should have read that sooner!

I’m sorry that I’ve rambled on so long. It’s just that there isn’t anyone else to talk to about this. Have a good week.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
In reply to: kew29
Wed, 08-27-2003 - 8:32pm
I still can not post from my work computer so right now I am at home. H and OM are actually out together watching the game and I had a couple of minutes before my daughter gets home from practice. Do not worry about how long it takes you to post, I understand about someone being at your desk every minute at work.

My sisters and brothers would be pretty supportive if I left H. I would never want them to know about my EMA though, because of who the OM is. My mother is another story. She is really concerned about appearances. My H and I had originally been planning just to live with each other when I got pregnant, until my mother pushed us into marriage. If we had not gotten married then, with all of the problems that we have had I doubt we ever would have.

My H usually calls me at work too. I am pretty lucky though that I frequently go to all day conferences where I do not bring my cell phone in and he cannot get in touch with me, so that is where I am when I am with OM. "Conference" is even our code word when we are out in public. He will ask do you have any conferences coming up or I say I think I have a conference this week.

I understand about the biological clock. I have one child but am one of five, always thought I would have more than 1 kid. Do not want anymore kids with H. We constantly argue about how we think a child should be raised. H does not want any more anyway. I had a miscarriage about 7 years ago and he was totally emotionally unsupportive through the whole thing. I wonder why I put up with it. Anyway after that he got a vasectomy. That is another thing I wonder about have regrets about, raising an only child. I grew up fighting and sharing bedrooms with my brothers and sisters but now I could not live without them.

I am sorry that you are having a bad week. I hope that you get to at least talk with OM. My OM is going to dinner with someone this week. I am trying to be supportive and play it off like it is no big deal. Who am I to ask him not to go? I can't offer him anything else then what we have right now. I can see the pain in his face when we talk about us wishing our situation could be "different" It is funny though I know the women she is the exact opposite of me from looks to personality, never thought she would be his type but all day thought I was being petty. Just met up with my sister though and OM's date came up and she thought the same thing. She told me that she not impressed. It made me feel a little better, like I was not being a total selfish bitch.

I am glad that I found you too. It is good to have someone else that can listen without judging. I know that none of my friends could do that. Once upon a time I had one friend that would probaly understand but our friendship ended because she and H could not stand each other. I was young and stupid and lost contact with her.

I have not seen anyone else either that is involved with H's best friend. I guess most people have the good sense to not go there. I guess the hardest part about it for me is that we could never go through a time of more than a week or so with NC, without me answering a hundred questions from H. I couldn't fake sick every weekend and holiday.

I hope your week gets better. I should be able to post either Saturday or Monday depending on H's schedule.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2003
In reply to: kew29
Sun, 08-31-2003 - 5:05pm
Hey!

How are things going on your end? How did OM’s date go? Have I got a story for you. I have to warn you, this is going to be long. I hope this doesn’t make you feel bad, but I have to tell someone. My week has definitely not gotten better. This was the weekend that I had hoped certain things would happen. OM and I had talked it to death and I felt like I was ready to go there. You remember though that he was out of town? That’s where my problems began. OM was on vacation and decided he was going to take a road trip. He planned on going alone because his son started school this week. At the last minute his xGF called and he told her he was going on vacation. She offered to pay for all the food and gas if she could go. So, he let her and that’s not all she got. They slept together. I feel so hurt. OM told me this morning on the phone. He called because we were firming up our plans for meeting today. He asked if I was mad and I said no. He asked if I was upset and I said isn’t that really the same as being mad, but that the answer was no. I told him that it hurt. I know that logically it shouldn’t but it really does. Then he was telling me all he had to do tomorrow, and I said that I guessed that meant we wouldn’t be seeing each other. He said that his roommate was out of town and I could come over if I wanted to. I ended up going, but really believed that it would probably be to end things. I’m just not sure that I can deal with this pain.

When I got there, we just sat and watched tv for awhile. Finally we started talking. He said that I had to realize that sometimes there is wanting someone because you want them and sometimes there is wanting someone because you need it. This is something I have had a problem with all along. I can’t seem to separate it. I don’t understand wanting 2 people. In my mind I know that it isn’t fair for me to feel this way, but my heart just doesn’t care. He said that xgf knows that they aren’t getting back together and that it was just sex. So to clarify I asked if she was just a need and he said yes. Then I asked what I am. He asked how many times he was going to have to tell me this. That he loved me and he wanted me because he wanted me. I told him that I just couldn’t understand why if he hadn’t had sex in several months, why he couldn’t have waited another week. He said that he didn’t know if it was only going to be another week and that it wasn’t planned. It was just there. So I asked him if he was using her and he said again that it was just sex. I know that men and women look at it differently, but I hate this part. We finally kissed after about an hour. I feel like this did open up some discussion for us though. I told him that there were a lot of things that I didn’t like about the situation and that he had to realize that if I weren’t married and I knew he had just slept with someone else that I wouldn’t be there. He told me that I had to realize that there wouldn’t have been someone else if I weren’t married. Ouch! I asked again why he couldn’t have waited a week. He asked if I would rather that he slept with me today and had sex with someone else next week instead of vice versa. I said probably. He said that didn’t make any sense. That it would be like sleeping with me made him run to someone else. I told him that I didn’t expect that he would never sleep with anyone else after we slept together. He said that that is what he is afraid of. That after being with me that he won’t want to be with anyone else.

The end of this conversation happened while laying on his bed. Nothing happened. He decided that I wasn’t ready. I had pretty much convinced myself that I was and I told him that he had to know that I wasn’t going to chase him after this happened and that I really hoped it wasn’t a week before I heard from him. He asked what I meant. I paused for a moment and asked him where the condoms were. He said no, that if I were really ready that I wouldn’t have paused, that we didn’t have to do that today. I have to admit that if I were him, I might feel like I was getting yanked around. He told me today that he never wants to do anything to hurt our relationship, and I said that he had to realize that at some point this would hurt our relationship, that I had to go into it knowing that it was going to end at some point. He said that he hoped it didn’t but even if it did, that he loved me so much that all he wants is my happiness. That even if I decided to work things out with h that we would still be in each other’s lives. That he would never push me out of his life. Do you think that is possible?

Anyway, to continue. I thought I would have plenty of time to come home and mull this all over, but h called home twice and my cell twice while I was at OM’s house. He’s out of town this weekend, but he’s coming home early due to rain. That means I only have about 2 ½ hours before he gets home. Not nearly enough time to think about all of this. Not to mention that now I can’t talk to OM on the phone tonight or tomorrow. I feel so frustrated. Like sometimes fate is working against us. I had also thought I would have plenty of time to catch up with the board, but I’m not going to be able to do that either.

I’m sorry to have dumped all this on you, but I just needed to get it out. Please give me your opinions. I look forward to hearing from you, whenever you get a chance. Thanks so much for just being out there wherever you are!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
In reply to: kew29
Wed, 09-03-2003 - 7:08am
I am posting this at home before work so I hope it is not too rushed.

The hard part of our situations is keeping everything in perspective. I think that your OM did have sex with his ex just to fill a need,her coming along on the trip with him filled his need for companionship I am sure. It is really hard to accept him being with someone else because if our situations were a normal boyfriend girlfriend situation we would not put up with what we do. OM was honest with you and did not have to be. I don't know what you and your H's situation is but my H and I still do have sex, so I feel that as much as it hurts I can't say anything about anything that OM does.

I think that your OM was right in thinking that maybe you were not ready for IC. After what he told you you should be able to absorb and think about the situation. I have to be honest that once it happens the pain and jealousy that you feel will be worse. You have ask your self are the good times that we have together enough to out way the pain and hurt? It is a hard question to answer and I don't know the answer to it for my situation.

I agree that in any situation like ours someone is going to get hurt. I think the only way to minimize the damage to any future relationship is to be completely honest with each other, that way everything is at least up front. OM and I try to be honest about what we are feeling and if one of us decides to end IC the other will accept it or so we say.

I do have to run, hopefully I did not jump back and forth to much in this post. Lack of coffee. I will tell you about OM's date next time I post. I have an email address that you can email me at that is easier for me to check if you would like. It is elizjason@hotmail.com

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