Lucy and Ricky

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2004
Lucy and Ricky
3
Wed, 01-28-2004 - 8:22pm


Well, I had to share this with this board.

I've only posted a couple of times, but to refresh people's memories, my MM and I have been seeing each other for about seven months. Up until the second week in January, he was dead serious. He was leaving his wife and I actually started believing it. (And from time to time, I'm still half convinced.)

When she went to find an apartment, he got cold feet. He told her to look, but not to sign anything. Frankly, and he's very honest about this, he wants us both. They've been married for 25 years. I can't say I blame him. They've been friends for a long time.

He refuses to give me up, however. She knows about us, at least to a point. He says that he won't stop talking with me, being my friend, writing with me. Period. (This is to her, so I don't really know what will happen over there.)

To me, he remains loving and supportive. I was really hurt by the change, and because of my Mom's recent death and several other things happening in my life, I've been super sensitive lately. I'm not sure how long I'll be able to handle this. I don't know how to go back to just playing, and I'm pretty sure that's not what either of us want, anyway.

All of this is setting the scene.

Last night I wrote him an email saying that while I wasn't breaking up with him, I had to tell him that I was probably an idiot for not running as fast as I could. I just felt that things had been different since he told his wife not to sign a lease. (They have, but its something more sensed than stated. I also know that I'm pretty emotionally fragile right now, so I don't want to make any rash decisions or jump to any conclusions.)

I suspect that a few of you know _exactly_ where I am, right now.

Anyway, I decided to go ahead and send the email as is, then to stay offline and off the phone for a few days to just think things out.

Now, I am on the computer most of the time. I sleep with the laptop on and when I awaken in the night, I often write. So my not being online is a definite shocker. I also have an old AOL 6.0 screenname that I never use. It's similar to my current one, but I don't think he had it. (I hate that screen. I literally _never_ use it. I also don't know how to get rid of it.)

Anyway, I signed on under the old name and asked a friend with whom I often go to chat classes, what class was on last night. He sent me a link, and I popped right in.

To the *one* chat that my MM goes to on AIM with me. ROFLMAOOOOoo

There he was. He immediately knew me and that I had been trying to avoid him.

Mom always told me, "Child, you will always get caught." Chalk one up for Mom!

I couldn't deny anything. It was past being obvious. I felt like Lucy Ricardo, caught in a dumb stunt. He greeted me right off, and we talked across the chat, basically in code. (For example, he told the group he got a nutty email which really had him going...)

and when the group started discussing the cold weather, I mentioned that I thought we had storm warnings for our area of the country.)

Finally, before he went to bed, we actually IM'ed each other.

We talked today and I'm a bit calmer. I think I'm willing to wait for a while before making any major decisions. We're supposed to be going out of state at the end of Feb for a four day weekend, and I guess I'm still going to go. We need the time, for several reasons. But I know myself well enough to say that this is _not_ going to continue as an affair for years. I won't go through another holiday season like I did last year. We either are going to work this out, or we'll find some way to be friends and co-writers.

I'm far too independent to let myself become an emotional wreck, and I have too many people depending on me to fall to pieces.

I don't know how the members here handle all these conflicting feelings. I love him. I'm basically resigned to that. But that doesn't mean that I have to lie down and make like a rug. ROFL...He knows that much about me, at least. But I hate the indecision and insecurity.

At least he knows it. We'll see. But I thought everyone here might appreciate my Lucy imitation. And believe you me, I was close to wailing "RICKY!!!!!!!!" as he turned me over his knee. ;)

Avatar for jennlynnk
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2003
In reply to: cazrida
Thu, 01-29-2004 - 2:25am
So how come every time you post i feel like you are writing MY story???? Well MM and i talk constantly... that "couple days offline" would only work a few hours for me. But the mind changing, the devastion, the "loves us both" the married 25 years........ i can totally relate. My MO so far has just been to keep telling him i love him and want him and keep reminding him i am going to date someday pretty soon, and let him decide what he will when he will. Haven't started dating yet, but i am also going through divorce, so i am trying not to rush into anything there.

Keep posting, i feel like i could use someone to relate to :)

jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
In reply to: cazrida
Thu, 01-29-2004 - 10:49am

hey cazrida -- i'm with you, every time i try to be slick, i get caught.

CL-Gurlfriend50

Co-CL of My Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2004
In reply to: cazrida
Thu, 01-29-2004 - 3:52pm


Dear Jennlynnk,

LOL. Maybe we're twins in a parallel universe. ;)

My MO is very similar. I haven't encouraged him to leave his wife at all. In fact, I've actively discouraged it for most of our relationship. Then I adopted a wait and see attitude. I basically have told him that my love is a gift to him. Furthermore, I've made it clear that I'm not playing second fiddle to anyone. I am a soloist, with my own unique role in his life.

And I believe that. Where we'll be a year from now I won't even begin to guess. We won't be here, is all that I know. In the meanwhile, I'll love him and cherish our time together. And we'll continue to write. That is uniquely ours.

Good luck with your MM.

Cazrida