A lurker asking for a bit of advice...

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
A lurker asking for a bit of advice...
10
Thu, 04-15-2004 - 11:52am
Hiya everyone.

I posted here for the first time a while back asking for advice about my affair and have since been a regular lurker :-)...

Anyway's, I just wondered if anyone has been in the situation whereby their affair has turned into a relationship? (i.e. MM/MW left their respective partner to be with you)

To cut a very long story short, my MM is now in the process of divorcing his wife to be with me (I never asked him, he left of his own free will), and I am just curious if the relationship dynamic changed in any particular way? In anyway at all.

(Hope no-one minds me asking and I apologise if I in anyway seem insensitive to others having difficulty with their own situations - I really don't mean to be and I know what you're going through as well - I have been there too).

Love to all.

S. xx

ps I am in the UK so I hope no-one minds an Brit on their board!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
Thu, 04-15-2004 - 11:58am
First, welcome back. Don't apologize for presenting your situation and asking for input. That's why the board is here. And of course people from any country are welcome as well. Great Britain is a truly historic place that I hope to visit one day.

Your situation is somewhat similar to mine in reverse. I am not leaving my M for IS, but I am planning to be with her once I am out. I can't tell you how things change because I'm not officially there yet, but I'm approaching my R with IS like I would the beginning of any R. The fact that we met and fell in love while I was still M doesn't make any difference to me. I think it is important to not jump into things too quickly. Remember that he will need some time to grieve the end of his M, even if his M was bad. Give him a little space and build things slowly. Try not to move in together right away if you can help it. And although you certainly deserve a healthy normal R, try not to be too demanding right away. Read Rain's posts and you'll see how agonizing it can be for a man trying to be respectful of his W and still move forward with the OW.

I wish you luck as you move forward. I hope you build a wonderful, loving R that will withstand the test of time. I know that is what I hope and plan to do.


Edited 4/15/2004 12:04 pm ET ET by omahamm

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2004
Thu, 04-15-2004 - 12:03pm
Scarlet - just to let you know, I am a Brit in the UK too.

You are not alone - in many ways.

Neuro x

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Thu, 04-15-2004 - 12:12pm
Hey there omahamm,

Thanks for your quick response...didn't expect to hear from anyone to be honest.

Thanks also for the welcome back. You'd be welcome over here in GB anytime!

I've read a lot on the board and laughed and cried with most people here in spirit too.

At the moment, MM isn't really bothered about the end of his 2nd marriage at all. In fact it seems as far as he's concerned the sooner its ended the better and that way he can be with me - that's the distinct impression I get lately. But I still understand what you mean about the space thing.

We are not living together at the moment, although we do spend a significant amount of time at each other's respective places. I don't want to live together anytime soon as I would still like to retain the indepence and space that I have from MM.

We've had problems to work through lately and I think we are. I know its not going to be easy to move on from our affair to a "normal" relationship, but your advice and anyone elses is seriously welcome.

I hope in respect of your own situation that it all works out for the best and that your future is happy and peaceful.

Good luck!

Love,

S. xx

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Thu, 04-15-2004 - 12:15pm
Hi there neuro!

Anywhere near the capital by any chance? - If you are like me, you have my sympathy. It's crazy here sometimes! :-)

S. xx

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2004
Thu, 04-15-2004 - 12:20pm
just near Heathrow. Nice to know another Brit is around! I shall keep my eyes open

for you on the board xxx
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Thu, 04-15-2004 - 12:23pm
Hey so not to far away then!

I'm near cent~ london so I'll give you a virtual wave across the 25!

S. xx

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2004
Thu, 04-15-2004 - 12:31pm
yee Gods .. the 25! a daily torture for me!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Thu, 04-15-2004 - 12:54pm
Sometimes I don't know whats worse though, having to negotiate the 25 or being in an affair with my MM (okay I know he's getting divorced!)...I know which has a habit of being more scarier and it ain't the 25 that's for sure.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2004
Thu, 04-15-2004 - 4:16pm
I hope that happens to me, I am soooooooooo happy for you. How long

did it take, you know you are in the 1% of MM that do NOT leave their

wives. How long had you/or him been married. How long have you

been seeing each other?

Please give hope to us all.

Bunny

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Fri, 04-16-2004 - 7:12am
Hi there Bunny,

And thanks for the message.

Of course I'll tell you all.

I have been having an affair with my MM for 4 years and for one reason and another, everything came to a head and despite the protestations from me that I would never "fall in love" with him and was happy with the "casual" thing, I did fall completely and profoundly in love with him within a few weeks of us meeting.

I kept trying to retain some emotional distance from him, but it never really worked.

I know also that he feels the same too.

Eventually this year, we both realized that a choice had to be made. It was either me or the wife. I didn't ask him to chose but we both knew this choice had to be made.

He chose me and filed for divorce from his second wife. It's not been without problems or serious setbacks but I guess we are trying to build some sort of a life together.

I know its never going to be easy - life with him is anything but dull!

The other thing is, there is a 30 year age gap between us, but it doesn't matter to me and to be honest it never has.

I am not married - he is soon to be divorced. I guess its just a little scary and I do wonder how when the divorce is through etc, and its then really just him and I what it'll be like.

Sounds silly I know, but this is kinda new territory.

Feel free to ask about anything and I'll do my best to answer.

Hope you have a good day - if you don't mind me asking, what's you situation?

If I'm being too nosey, please feel free to tell me to shut up!

Love

S. xx