Lurker; time to introduce myself
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| Sun, 01-04-2009 - 7:58am |
I've been a lurker long enough to get a good idea of the kind of advice that I'll get but I think that I am losing perspective so it might be good to have a sounding board like this place.
H and I have been having a lot of problems for the past two years or so, including infidelity from my H. We've tried therapy and just about everything else I can think of but nothing seems to really work. In that time I've started leaning heavily on another man for emotional support who has been having similar issues in his marriage. The past year or so that has turned into an EA. We talk frequently although there have also been long times with NC. Not recently, though. The flirting over the past year has grown very explicit and intense. Through the entire time we've both agreed that we do not want to get involved in a PA, but I think that resolves on that are breaking down.
Recently OM has been saying and doing things that make me believe that he's thinking more and more about taking that step. We've exchanged ILUs. He's started touching me in a more possessive way - putting his arm around my back when he's talking to me, putting his hand on my leg when we're talking, playing with my hair, and running his hand down my face and cheek, etc. I find it difficult to tell if he's just flirting or serious now when he mentions getting a room or going away together for a night. He has started to kiss me a few times and pulled back.
We've both admitted to each other that we are very strongly attracted to one another, but deep down I think we both also know that no good could come of this. OM is my best friend, but he's also my husband's best friend. Total NC is impossible because of their friendship and I really cherish our friendship. When I'm alone and reflecting on it all, I know this is a bad idea, but sexual dysfunction is one of the issues of my marriage and I dearly miss having that passion in my life. I feel very torn. I don't want to leave my husband and I do love him, but of all the other men in the world to fall for...

The one thing I have learned in life is that I am responsible for my own happiness.
I did not have happiness in my M. H and I hadn't had sex in about 5 years (He could have told you the exact date that we last had sex). I was not at all happy in my life with him. I couldn't leave him for a number of reasons, and, to be honest, the number one reason was that I just wasn't brave enough to.
I thought long and hard before I allowed my A to turn physical, and I finally did because I realized that I deserved to be happy, and I wasn't getting any of that in my M. MY MM did not cause me to be happy, but he did help me to be happy. I am responsible for all of my feelings, no one can make me feel anything that I don't have control over.
So, look at yourself. Are you happy in a miserable marriage. Will being physical with your AP bring happiness, or more misery? You are best friends, I understand that. Will the friendship survive it turning PA?
I think it's time you and AP talk again, this time about your physical needs, and desires, what you want and don't want, need and don't need.
You are in control of your life.
And, we are here for you,
mom