M reality vs. A reality

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2004
M reality vs. A reality
39
Mon, 04-05-2004 - 7:25pm
I think I am starting to fall for my MM; however, I am very much aware how affair reality differs so much from marriage reality. So I wouldn't really call it "love".

For instance, there's so many things I don't have to deal with when not married to MM. MM comes from a dysfunctional family. I don't have to deal with that except comfort MM when he needs to talk.

MM recently got himself into a little trouble (nothing immoral, but it is costing him $$). I have been totally supportive of him. Would I be the same if married? Probably not.

We may only get the "crumbs" so-to-speak, but we also don't have to deal with the bull$&#* on an everyday basis.

I think being in an A can cloud your judgement about who a person really is. Even more than dating a person, they only put on their best when with you.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 04-05-2004 - 7:58pm
I don't think you have ever had an affair from what you have said.

Most women who have affairs and who are very much in love with their OM and MM, want more than the man can give them. The women get jealous of the time spent with the married man's family. They sit around waiting for a phone call, for the MM can only give so much time to his lover. I could go on and on.

Being married has it's problems also. But one doesn't have to feel guilty or hurt their families. Being married means a couple can plan ahead and create a family and a home. They can make a lasting bond. They always have a mate and family to come home to.

Being in an affair isn't any picnic.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2004
Mon, 04-05-2004 - 8:10pm
I too find myself waiting for the phone call, even though I know better. And I'm in a stable marriage, with a great husband and terrific kids. How screwed up is that?

But it's this need for passion, and romance, and that feeling you had as a teenager in love for the first time. That's what driving my attraction to my lover. Anf I know how immature it is, and how much damage can be caused for a fairy-tale quest for happily-ever-after. But I feel like I need this, I need to feel desired, and connected, and alive.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
Mon, 04-05-2004 - 8:11pm

I have to say... I totally agree!!!


After 4 years... I know that I have feelings for MM... I know that I care... and I can even say yes! I do love him... but as for being IN love with him... no! because in fact... I don't really know him... I only know but one part of him... the part that is seperate from the pressures of every day life... a piece that most often than not... I don't get to deal with all the crap that comes with living with someone.


I also totally agree that an affair can cloud your judgement... one reason I would never and I mean never! walk from my marriage for another person... and never straight into another relationship.

Sweet
Co-Community Leader My

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2004
Mon, 04-05-2004 - 8:33pm
Not sure what you mean that I haven't been in an affair???

I would love to have more from my MM than I have. But I'm not really "jealous" of the time he spends with his family. Er, his wife (they don't have kids).

I do wait for phone calls, etc. However, I don't beat myself up for it. I've always been a very independent person. I have my own hobbies and interests. I try not to let the A consume me. It did in the beginning, and sometimes still does. But more and more, I'm trying to keep a level head through this.

I guess I'm a little afraid of what would happen if he does decide to leave his W. Because reality probably is different than the fantasy world I've created. I imagine us traveling the world, talking and snuggling and having sex, all the good stuff. But what about dividing chores? Dealing with him going out with friends until late? His crazy family? With every "real" relationship, you take the good with the bad, but you don't really know the bad until you're in the middle of it all.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2004
Mon, 04-05-2004 - 9:04pm
I completely agree with you. Waiting for a phone call and squeezing in all the time MM and I can cannot replace the stability of a marriage. Just want to be in "real" life with him and deal with day to day issues. Do not want to wake each morning waiting for when he can call though he tells me on the last call of the day before approx when he will call. Have been in this A for 1 1/2 yrs now and we are in love but I am beginning to believe we may not eventually be together. Though it will take alot more time to really accept that. And yes I am married also but would divorce in a heartbeat if I knew MM and I could start a life together,
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2004
Mon, 04-05-2004 - 9:17pm
Would you jump right into a M with him?

Or would you just live together for awhile, to see how things really were?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
Mon, 04-05-2004 - 9:20pm
Garden,

As per your example why would not support a husband if he did nothing immoral because it costs to money which is more important to you than his piece of mind/respect? Also if he has a dyfunctional family you are not going to know that if you were to date him, right? If you are in love, may be you will tend to over look some this not so attractive details right? I don't mean you should over look his unfaithfulness (to you) if that is the case as in him having other women or if he is a criminal. I think you are not falling for MM just loving the attention of MM in an affair situation

FunnyFace

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
Mon, 04-05-2004 - 10:10pm
I guess it kind of depends how your R has progressed. At first, it was all the fairy tale stuff for IS and I. But that progressed over time. As we started to fall for one another, our conversations got more serious. She knows things about me no one else knows and she has told me things she never thought she would share. We also talk about our everyday lives. I have comforted her after a bad day and vice versa. No, we haven't lived together and I would never expect to jump straight to that scenario. We will need time to date and explore each other more before we take that kind of step. But I know for a fact that I am in love with her. And I also love her in a deeper more meaningful way than I ever thought possible. And I know she feels the same way. So I guess I think it is very possible to really get to know someone and really fall for them even if you start out in an A. It is basically what you let yourself share. If you hold back to protect yourself, then obviously you won't fall the same way. And for your situation, that is clearly for the best. But for me, I couldn't imagine not loving IS.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
Mon, 04-05-2004 - 10:33pm

Omaha... my relationship with MM has progressed in ways that I never thought imaginable... I share everything and I mean everything with MM... I talk to him about things that I wouldn't even dream of discussing with my DH... I have opened up to him more than any person that has ever walked into my life.

Sweet
Co-Community Leader My

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
Mon, 04-05-2004 - 10:45pm
I understand what you're saying and I really appreciate that you too have shared more with your MM than you have with anyone else. That is an amazing experience. But I guess when I see you saying that you don't really know him because you don't know how your R would hold up under everyday pressures, it kind of sounds like a cop out. I mean you've chosen to accept your A for what it is and that is fine. But for those of us who have chosen to leave their M's, I think there is a different reality. If I were to say that I don't know IS very well so why even try to build a R with her, that would not only be a huge mistake, it would be dishonest. I do know her. I know her great attributes and some of her faults too. Sure, I will learn more about her as we go, but that is true of any R. The key is to have that solid base of love and trust and communication. From there, I believe any problem can be tackled. Now whether you ever choose to do that with your R, is obviously your choice. I just don't like seeing people say they don't know their A partner and imply others can't possibly know either. I think if you make the effort to know them, you absolutely can. I certainly know IS better than I have ever known my W. Of course, that is a big reason for the end of my M...no communication, no shared values. Anyway, I'm just commenting. I do appreciate that our situations are vastly different. I really think what you have with your MM is a beautiful thing. Very rare I think. Good luck with everything.

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