M reality vs. A reality

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2004
M reality vs. A reality
39
Mon, 04-05-2004 - 7:25pm
I think I am starting to fall for my MM; however, I am very much aware how affair reality differs so much from marriage reality. So I wouldn't really call it "love".

For instance, there's so many things I don't have to deal with when not married to MM. MM comes from a dysfunctional family. I don't have to deal with that except comfort MM when he needs to talk.

MM recently got himself into a little trouble (nothing immoral, but it is costing him $$). I have been totally supportive of him. Would I be the same if married? Probably not.

We may only get the "crumbs" so-to-speak, but we also don't have to deal with the bull$&#* on an everyday basis.

I think being in an A can cloud your judgement about who a person really is. Even more than dating a person, they only put on their best when with you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2004
Mon, 04-05-2004 - 10:48pm
See, I'm starting to confuse myself. I feel that on one hand, I'm not sure how I would deal with it in real life. But on the other hand, MM has revealed so many of the problems in his life to me, I think I know what I would be getting into. Sometimes I feel like he's throwing these things at me just to see if I don't get scared off. Lord knows my husband has plenty of dysfunction in his life that I put up with. MM is a professional who makes decent money, but he talks about his money problems that he could easily hide from me, gets my advice, talks about his family's problems, talks about things he wouldn't have to share with me if he didn't trust me as a close friend. I guess I may just be sort of a pseudo-therapist for him, too.

We're at that crossroads where I think the relationship either stays just about sex, or it progresses into something more. Actually, I know it has progressed into more, but neither of us want to talk about it. I think we are both holding back because we know we've invested a lot of our emotions into our relationship and both of us don't want to get hurt. So neither of us talks about where we stand in the relationship. We just roll with the flow. And I think both of us are scared about what it would mean if we allowed our R to go beyond a fling. There are no kids involved, so divorce seems almost inevitable. And that's scary because neither of us want to hurt our current partners, despite our unhappiness with them.



iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
Mon, 04-05-2004 - 11:08pm

Of course we all have our own opinions given to our own unique circumstances... no matter how many similarites we may have... each of our relationships are completely different and not one person can ever really understand.


I personally feel... and this is from my own experience that the reason that feelings in affairs our so clouded is because they are very much amplified... the moments we steal are by far more intense that in any other relationship... at least in mine I know they have been.


I have been in my affair for almost 4 years and if you asked me somewhat 3 and a half years ago did I love MM... I would have said yes!! but when I truly stopped and think about how I could actually love him... I realised it was a strong infatuation that I had yet to control.

Sweet
Co-Community Leader My

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2003
Mon, 04-05-2004 - 11:27pm
This is a very interesting thread. I too have shared SO MUCH with MM and he with me. We've shared things that we've never shared with another person. We haven't spent much time physically together (although what time we've had was amazing - as if we'd known each other forever), but we've talked for hours and hours and hours. I can honestly say he knows me better than anyone and I know him the same.

Unfortunately, our A was discovered. I'm trying to spend time on my M to determine whether it is worth continuing. He and his W are in counseling for the same reasons. Because I care about him I want him to think realistically about our R as well as his M. One of the things I cautioned him about is fantasizing our R. Although we've shared so much and feel so close to each other, we have NOT had to deal with all the day to day stuff that can drag a relationship down. We have had the luxury of sharing only the best of each other. Would he still love me if he had to wake up to crabby ol' me every morning? If we had to figure out finances? If we had to juggle kids and schedules? He needs to think about that very carefully.

Of course, I'm trying to think realistically about our R too. I think that we COULD get past the day to day stuff and still have an amazing relationship. But then again, maybe I still have the rose colored glasses on. It is so hard, sometimes, to think clearly about things that are so wrapped in emotion. I'm trying to take a step back and give myself time to think things through. And I'm trying to give MM space to do the same.

OK - I think maybe I got off track a little... ANYWAY, thanks for this thread. It really got me thinking.

GB2

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2004
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 9:17am
What a great thread!

I was just thinking about this yesterday, as a matter of fact. I care very deeply about my MM and in that sense, I do love him. But as Sweet said, I'm not IN love with him. What I feel for him is completely differently than the love I feel for my H. My H and I have a shared history, we've worked through problems, had incredible highs and survived really deep lows.

My MM is part of a world that I've created that is separate from the real world and frankly, I want to keep it that way. I don't want to think of folding clothes or paying taxes or doing dishes when we're together. I don't want to argue about who cleaned out the litterbox last. I want this safe, happy little cocoon where we can spend a few wonderful moments away...touching each other, talking, laughing. For those few moments, I feel sexy, desirable, mysterious and I try to make him feel handsome, strong and smart (which he is). I know that he and I would never make it in the real world...we are polar opposites!...but I don't care because that's not what I'm looking for and I don't think he is either. When we're together, nothing outside that moment matters and I hope it always stays that way.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 9:31am
I guess I'm different than most of you ladies then. Because I want more. I want to experience the day to day activities with IS. I want to fold clothes with her and cook dinner for her. I want to rub her feet after she has a hard day and have her rub my back after I've had one. I want to fight and make up and just have the time together to discover how our relationship will progress. I know that R's and especially M's are a tremendous amount of work. I once told IS that fate brought her to me but now fate is in our hands. And I will do what it takes to make it work. The key thing for me is we have the same values, the same communication styles and similar sex drives. That along with the love we share is a great foundation to build on.

Again, I know that what you are all describing are A's and so I appreciate the limited nature in which you can invest in them. I guess I just can't imagine myself wanting just that out of any R. Even though I've been unfaithful in the past, I know it isn't for me. I totally respect all of you though and I know you're doing what you need in your lives.

This has been an interesting thread. I hope none of you mind my input. :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2004
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 9:32am
You've summed it up for me, your attitude is so positive, so realistic. A cocooc is the perfect metaphor for what we have. And you're right about not being able to, or not wanting to, have an everyday type of relationship with our Others. But can we truly keep one from bleeding over into the other?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2004
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 9:36am
Your situation is different from mine, obviously. I want to protect my marriage and my husband. I love him, and our history, and our future. I want to grow old with someone who remembers me when I was 19 and beautiful. But I want the thrill and affirmation of my OM now, too, but I will not leave for him, and I hope to God he feels the same, and that our feelings will not change.

But you have found love, and it must be so strong that you are willing to start over. I wish you the best.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 11:09am
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Edited 4/24/2004 4:37 pm ET ET by julietsfate
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 11:12am
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Edited 4/24/2004 4:38 pm ET ET by julietsfate
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 11:16am
I'm not at liberty to say for now. Let's just say it stands for Inevitable Soulmate. ;)