M reality vs. A reality
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M reality vs. A reality
| Mon, 04-05-2004 - 7:25pm |
I think I am starting to fall for my MM; however, I am very much aware how affair reality differs so much from marriage reality. So I wouldn't really call it "love".
For instance, there's so many things I don't have to deal with when not married to MM. MM comes from a dysfunctional family. I don't have to deal with that except comfort MM when he needs to talk.
MM recently got himself into a little trouble (nothing immoral, but it is costing him $$). I have been totally supportive of him. Would I be the same if married? Probably not.
We may only get the "crumbs" so-to-speak, but we also don't have to deal with the bull$&#* on an everyday basis.
I think being in an A can cloud your judgement about who a person really is. Even more than dating a person, they only put on their best when with you.

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We're at that crossroads where I think the relationship either stays just about sex, or it progresses into something more. Actually, I know it has progressed into more, but neither of us want to talk about it. I think we are both holding back because we know we've invested a lot of our emotions into our relationship and both of us don't want to get hurt. So neither of us talks about where we stand in the relationship. We just roll with the flow. And I think both of us are scared about what it would mean if we allowed our R to go beyond a fling. There are no kids involved, so divorce seems almost inevitable. And that's scary because neither of us want to hurt our current partners, despite our unhappiness with them.
Of course we all have our own opinions given to our own unique circumstances... no matter how many similarites we may have... each of our relationships are completely different and not one person can ever really understand.
I personally feel... and this is from my own experience that the reason that feelings in affairs our so clouded is because they are very much amplified... the moments we steal are by far more intense that in any other relationship... at least in mine I know they have been.
I have been in my affair for almost 4 years and if you asked me somewhat 3 and a half years ago did I love MM... I would have said yes!! but when I truly stopped and think about how I could actually love him... I realised it was a strong infatuation that I had yet to control.
Sweet
Co-Community Leader My
Unfortunately, our A was discovered. I'm trying to spend time on my M to determine whether it is worth continuing. He and his W are in counseling for the same reasons. Because I care about him I want him to think realistically about our R as well as his M. One of the things I cautioned him about is fantasizing our R. Although we've shared so much and feel so close to each other, we have NOT had to deal with all the day to day stuff that can drag a relationship down. We have had the luxury of sharing only the best of each other. Would he still love me if he had to wake up to crabby ol' me every morning? If we had to figure out finances? If we had to juggle kids and schedules? He needs to think about that very carefully.
Of course, I'm trying to think realistically about our R too. I think that we COULD get past the day to day stuff and still have an amazing relationship. But then again, maybe I still have the rose colored glasses on. It is so hard, sometimes, to think clearly about things that are so wrapped in emotion. I'm trying to take a step back and give myself time to think things through. And I'm trying to give MM space to do the same.
OK - I think maybe I got off track a little... ANYWAY, thanks for this thread. It really got me thinking.
GB2
I was just thinking about this yesterday, as a matter of fact. I care very deeply about my MM and in that sense, I do love him. But as Sweet said, I'm not IN love with him. What I feel for him is completely differently than the love I feel for my H. My H and I have a shared history, we've worked through problems, had incredible highs and survived really deep lows.
My MM is part of a world that I've created that is separate from the real world and frankly, I want to keep it that way. I don't want to think of folding clothes or paying taxes or doing dishes when we're together. I don't want to argue about who cleaned out the litterbox last. I want this safe, happy little cocoon where we can spend a few wonderful moments away...touching each other, talking, laughing. For those few moments, I feel sexy, desirable, mysterious and I try to make him feel handsome, strong and smart (which he is). I know that he and I would never make it in the real world...we are polar opposites!...but I don't care because that's not what I'm looking for and I don't think he is either. When we're together, nothing outside that moment matters and I hope it always stays that way.
Again, I know that what you are all describing are A's and so I appreciate the limited nature in which you can invest in them. I guess I just can't imagine myself wanting just that out of any R. Even though I've been unfaithful in the past, I know it isn't for me. I totally respect all of you though and I know you're doing what you need in your lives.
This has been an interesting thread. I hope none of you mind my input. :)
But you have found love, and it must be so strong that you are willing to start over. I wish you the best.
Edited 4/24/2004 4:37 pm ET ET by julietsfate
Edited 4/24/2004 4:38 pm ET ET by julietsfate
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