M reality vs. A reality

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2004
M reality vs. A reality
39
Mon, 04-05-2004 - 7:25pm
I think I am starting to fall for my MM; however, I am very much aware how affair reality differs so much from marriage reality. So I wouldn't really call it "love".

For instance, there's so many things I don't have to deal with when not married to MM. MM comes from a dysfunctional family. I don't have to deal with that except comfort MM when he needs to talk.

MM recently got himself into a little trouble (nothing immoral, but it is costing him $$). I have been totally supportive of him. Would I be the same if married? Probably not.

We may only get the "crumbs" so-to-speak, but we also don't have to deal with the bull$&#* on an everyday basis.

I think being in an A can cloud your judgement about who a person really is. Even more than dating a person, they only put on their best when with you.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-16-2004
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 12:08pm
There is absolute truth in that. I've shared a lot of things with my MM (problems, concerns, asking for advice, fears, etc.) and he's not run away screaming. He himself has told me that if he were the kind of man who would run away when obstacles were thrown at him or when I go through rought times, that he wouldn't be worth my time. We share concerns, joy, sadness, and all those emotions that go with being in a R. I don't have to worry about his toothpaste mess or his other mundane day-to-day things, but that doesn't mean I wouldn't want to. It's a real relationship...not just sugar and honey and fairy tales. I can completely see where you are coming from. Thanks!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 9:50pm
jessiesgirl2004-that was beautiful! That is exactly how I feel about my MM. I need my escape from reality. I love this thread.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2004
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 10:33pm
Juliet,

I guess I feel like the history I have with my H, 25 years beginning at age 19, can never be replaced, or supplanted. And beyond that, I do have this intense sense of duty, of having to "stick it out" (which is a bad term, because really, things are pretty good.) He doesn't deserve to be hurt, he's been a good companion all these years. I think I mentioned, my A started as a sexual thing, most definitely. And I don't mean to say that he isn't a good guy (OM), just that it was never my intention to seek out another loving (love?) relationship.

I guess what I'm saying (and I'm really working through this as I write it) is that, like your topic indicates, my M reality is very different from my A reality.

And it needs to stay that way - I contradict myself, by wanting the A to be more than fun and games.

Does this make sense??

Sky

ps Your handle is scaring me. You are not considering a tragic ending, are you??
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2004
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 10:28am
I really haven't thought about that much but it's an intereting question. I believe I would marry without living together first. We have had the opportunity a few times to spend several days together both at his house and away on vacation and we fit together very well in day to day routines. The blending of families would be the most difficult issue (he has 2 grown kids with spouses and 1 grandchild). I have a 13yr old son but family issues would start being addressed after our relationship became public. Just pray that we have the opportunity to begin living a "real life".
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 10:34am
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Edited 4/24/2004 4:40 pm ET ET by julietsfate
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2004
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 10:35am
You have described my relationship with my MM perfectly. We have serious honest conversations and have dealt with alot of reality. Our bond and love for each continues to get stronger with each "dose of reality". Birth of his grandchild, wedding ring issues, etc. I feel we know each other very well and though our relationship has alot of passion, laughter, relaxation we have gotten past the "honeymoon phase" and are more in love than ever. This is what keeps me from walking away and holding on tightly though he has never made promises of a future to me. He honestly tells me he doesn't know what he will do since his fear of hurting others and of change keeps him in his M.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2004
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 10:47am
Juliet,

I'm pretty new to this board. Could you fill me in on your A?

Did you end it? If so, why? How did it feel? Excuse me if I'm prying,

I keep thinking I should end mine but I'm afraid I'll feel dead.

Maybe Shakespeare's Juliet can be interpreted that way, that "being"

dead and "feeling" dead aren't so different in a dramatic play...

Sky
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 10:51am
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Edited 4/24/2004 4:36 pm ET ET by julietsfate
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2004
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 11:06am
Skycat,

Our situations sound so similar it's scary! After reading about so many of the people here who have bad marriages, I was beginning to think there was something really wrong with me. It's nice to know that I'm not the only one who loves her husband but is still having an affair. The worst and strangest thing, I think, is that I don't really feel all that guilty. Sometimes I actually feel more guilty about NOT feeling guilty. Does that make sense?

I'm glad you're on this board and I look forward to exchanging ideas with you in the future!

Jess

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