mans pov, affair when it's over.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2007
mans pov, affair when it's over.
12
Sun, 02-08-2009 - 2:34pm
i was just reading on another message board where one poster made a comment when the affair is over the man can just forget his mistress like she never exhisted. no missing her, he never cared for her, maybe never loved at all. my question is do you men find break ups of affairs as hard and trumatic as us women do. or do you just forget about your mistress like she never mattered. it's a painful thought thinking that my AP could never think of me again at all.thanks for any and all input.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2008
Sun, 02-08-2009 - 5:38pm

don't post very much being a man and all but..

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2007
Sun, 02-08-2009 - 6:21pm
my AP and i didn't break up, it was a curiosity question about how men handle the break up in affairs.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2009
Sun, 02-08-2009 - 7:10pm
I don't believe there is a standard operating procedure - or a way that men do it...... I have seen men fall to pieces...... I have seen them break down and cry - and I have seen others just walk away......
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2007
Sun, 02-08-2009 - 7:27pm

Like one poster said everyone handles things like this in their own way and you can't just make a generic statement like most guys can just walk away like nothing every happened.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2007
Sun, 02-08-2009 - 7:48pm
like i said the reason why i started this thread was because of a statement i read on another message about men in affairs, when the affair ends how the man never cared for his AP, the mistress was used, she meant nothing to the man. i mean i myself have given 2 years to my AP, when our affair is over, i hope not any time soon. i would like to think that i meant something to him. i told him he has my heart, he knows that i love him. i know we are not going to have a life together. i would like to think some wheres i'm in his heart.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2007
Sun, 02-08-2009 - 10:38pm




You have to look at the whole of an A, MM or MW or both. Personal perspective, anyone that chooses to


have an A has to be pretty heartless or selfish or both to begin an A while M.


I am S and no longer in an A, but it will always be with me (I am SW)...


However, there is something wrong in the M to begin with or the one that chooses


to stray is too afraid to leave the comforts of home, they are just looking for a


little fun at the expense of everyone else involved. If they can just as easily walk into an


A without consideration for anyone involved, then they can sure and heck walk away with


same lack of consideration.










iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2007
Sun, 02-08-2009 - 10:46pm
i read on these boards, just leave your marriage, walk away, ect, ect. when children are involved, finances, it's not that easy. divorce costs money, child support is crazy, and what divorce does to the children. this is why people choose to stay married. divorce will bankrupt you. it is easier to stay married.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2009
Mon, 02-09-2009 - 6:07am

I occasionally still think of guys I dated in high school that meant nothing to me so I can't imagine being with someone for 2 yrs under any relationship and simply walking away without some emotional involvement. I know me who cheat, they use S as a form of excitement that they lack and others who use it as a way to make up for a lack of emotional involvement in their life but then there is those who fall in love. All others are short term and no commitment. Even for those who are having a casual thing with a friend, there is still the friend thing. Men are no different than women there.

As far as Affairs being selfish, I disagree. My H is emotionally reserved, suffers depression AND ED but refused to see a doctor of any kind. Which one of us is being selfish here? Financial and family reasons I can't leave right now plus that would destroy an otherwise good man, just a very angry man but none the less a good man. Then again, dying inside isn't much of a help to my children, myself or my H so when AP makes me smile, it takes the edge off of my life and gets me through it.

I haven't open mouthed kiss my H in 8 yrs because the man has dental hygiene issues that make me want to puke and he won't see a dentist either. There again, which one of us is being selfish? AT least with an AP in my life I'm not fair game should I ever have one too many in the pretense of a man. My H's selfishness made me easy pickin's, thankfully I'm not, just lonely and in love with someone else who is lonely and in love with me. HIS reasons, are pretty much the same, his W refuse to see a doctor and go on meds even when her own doctors have recommended it to her first. Her own kids call her psycho and that's because that women truly is. I've seen his bruises, tell me again how he's so selfish as to want someone who can hold a lucid, sane conversation AND hold him. S is just the benefit package. Unlike my H, my AP can get it up and unlike his W, I never ask him if he's done yet.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2009
Mon, 02-09-2009 - 6:32am
I disagree with the presumption of one having to be heartless or selfish to enter into an affair. I am neither. i would never walk away from any relationship like that.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2009
Mon, 02-09-2009 - 2:34pm

Tori,


I think you bring up a valid and interesting point. I tried to walk away from my A after 4 months. I would have walked away scot and guilt free. My gf would not let me walk away because she thought we were worth fighting for. Now going on 10 months and I am very glad. I could not walk away now without some feeling of sorrow.


Men in A's often try and separate their emotions which make it easier to let go. I don't think it's selfish to enter an A at all. After 10 years of trying to change someone you start to look for those missing qualities. When I say change someone I mean stop the anger, emotional and physical abuse that we suffer. After that, game on.


Just be mindful that the amount of time together seems to be an indicator of how people leave. Are there other sites similar to this Tori? I find some people (not you) to be very negative and spewing venom. this is a SUPPORT SITE. Some people don't get it.


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