Many questions - I'd like answers please

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2004
Many questions - I'd like answers please
4
Fri, 02-20-2004 - 1:01pm
I've been lurking for a while, and recently began an affair. I need some help - this may be a little long!

First, I'm married over 10 years, 5 kids. My H is an emotional abuser. He had an affair early on in our relationship and never got over it I guess. He acuses me of messing around CONSTANTLY! No matter, where I go, who I'm with, or whatever he thinks the worst! He also is ornery to me & our kids, has no conversation skills, can be very sweet when he wants to be (not often), but he's anti-social I think the main reason for that is because he thinks "every man is out to get me"! He's destroyed our relationship to the point that I've asked him a hundred times to please move out.He changes for a little while, but he's still unbearable to live with! I'm almost to the point of "hating" him!

Meanwhile, a few months ago, a person who lives out of town, but is in town everyday for his job, started stopping by to see me whenever he went by my office. We had awesome conversations. His wife similarly complained about him the way I do about my H! Well, to make a long story shorter, my H pissed me off one day, and this MM stopped by as usual, and I couldn't resist - I asked him if he wanted to f***. Of course, being a guy he said yes.

So as this started being a way for me to get my frustrations out about my failing marriage, I've tried to keep emotions out of it. But ..... God, i'm starting to like this guy very, very, very much! In a way I think he feels the same. We get together for IC at LEAST once a week, but if I don't come find him on his route, he will come to my office, everyday to say hi. He jokes about it all being about sex, but then why, when I try to not to see him on a certain day, will he come WAY out of his way to see me?

Anyways, has anyone started an A simply for the sex, and how did you keep your emotions out of it?

I don't think he's ever done this before me, I don't know. I know I haven't cheated on my H before this. This MM is filling a void I feel like I'm missing and I so look forward to just seeing him, even if it's not physical!

When my H leaves for good (I told him when school is out), I have no intentions of trying to get this MM to leave his W! No way. But we have talked about certain things and I think he is somewhat unhappy in his M too.

We have so much in common, he's not a "stud" or anything, and I'm not that great a catch either! I wanted this so much to be a physical outlet and thought I could do it -- but damn, I want him ALL the time!

Anyone have any good advice (other than dumping the MM!!)?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2004
Fri, 02-20-2004 - 1:30pm


Welcome Mid! As far as my advice on abusive relationships see the post "Why is it" that I responded to. I too started my A for sex only; I have been friends with my MM and his W for several years. We love each other but we're not madly in love and have no plans to leave our spouses. I say, enjoy the ride and keep try to keep your emotions in tack. Good luck! SOXS, (NMR)

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
Fri, 02-20-2004 - 2:09pm

hi midlifer and welcome to the board.

CL-Gurlfriend50

Co-CL of My Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2004
Fri, 02-20-2004 - 2:38pm
well thank you!

I did read that post, and I can't believe it's so similar to my situation! My H rarely brushes his teeth too! And the meaner or ornerier he it, he always expects to have sex when we go to bed! It sickens me sometimes!

It's just so hard to not have those feelings - like why didn't MM stop in on his way out of town, then I call him an a**hole - then I see him later and I feel bad about calling him one!

I have it hard on the weekends not seeing him!

I hate that feeling and am trying to not have it, but it's very very difficult! I try to focus either on the last time we had sex or the week coming up when I know I'll be having it again.

Thanks again. Hope others give me more advice like that. If I keep hearing it maybe it will sink in!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2004
Sat, 02-21-2004 - 7:29am
Next questio is this --- I feel stupid and cheap for asking -- I'm out of ideas of meeting w/MM! We've done it in my car so often! I want more! Where to meet when both are married? He suggested renting a heated storage building and wemake it into "our place"!

Can I hear some creative ideas??