A married point of view

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2008
A married point of view
4
Mon, 10-13-2008 - 7:24pm

Hi ladies. I have been lurking around for about six months now and I have really benefited from your stories. However, its rare that I read one that really sounds like mine, so I wanted to put it out there and see if anyone can relate….


I am a married woman and AP is a single man (about 10 years older than me, btw). I have been unhappy in my marriage for some time, and I am dying to leave my marriage, but I can’t for reasons I feel are beyond my control.


You see, I work for my husband’s business and I am thus financially tied to him in a way I never anticipated when I made the decision to leave my old job. I have been unable to find a job that would enable me to leave my marriage after many months of searching. I have a professional career, but we live in a small town and the options are limited, plus, put all of the problems with the economy on top of that and I don’t see things changing anytime soon.


I would give ANYTHING to be able to find a job that would allow me to leave my marriage. Unfortunately, many years of student loans have left me with monthly expenses that simply can’t be met with just any job. I’m sure I could find a job in another area, but AP is here…. and I want to be here.


Over the last few months, when the decision was made to find a job, leave my marriage, and start a new life with AP, he has gone from completely supportive to somewhat distant as the process has drug on. Let me add… AP and I share the same profession… I could, hypothetically, work for him. This was never something I wanted, as I would prefer to never be dependent on a man like this again, but early in our relationship he brought it up all the time. “Just leave him, come work with me” was a common phrase. Or he would offer to help be with expenses until I got on my feet . Now that it has come to that point where my other options are running out, he has completely retracted that offer. Don’t get me wrong, its not my first choice, but I would rather stay in this town, and be with him, than move to another town, which would most likely be the end of our relationship. When I tell him I am going to start looking for jobs out of town, he gets very upset and tells me not to and that everything will work out here.


This week, my husband is out of town on business… which never happens!!! So far, AP has blown me off two nights in a row for a date with someone, presumably the girl he has been seeing somewhat regularly over the last month, and I feel horrible. He knows my husband never leaves town, but even with a weeks notice, he can’t… or won’t… change his plans (and of course he has been acting like we were getting together all day!) I know he is getting more and more frustrated as I keep dragging this out, and I certainly don’t expect him to put his life on hold for me while I get my life in order, but I don’t think its fair to jerk me around either.


So, I guess my point is, I always hear people talking about their married AP like he is making the choice to put the wife first, and while I’m sure that’s the normal scenario for married AP, for me, its not my choice and I would give anything to leave and be with my single AP if I could!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2006
Mon, 10-13-2008 - 8:02pm
Your single AP doesn't appear to wish to be with you as much as you wish to be with him.
For him to ignore you at what appears to be an optimum moment, (i.e. your DH out of town), speaks
very clearly as to just where you fit into his long term plans.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2000
Tue, 10-14-2008 - 1:37am

Hon.....


Can't you see the mixed messages here?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2008
Tue, 10-14-2008 - 10:20am
I tend to agree with the previous posts. Make a life for yourself and YOU put AP on hold. It seems he is sending you a message here but you don't want to hear it. I don't blame you either. I probably wouldn't want to listen either but you need to. If you are not happy in your M try to get out. i am kind of in the same situation. both H and i are not Happy but we can't get out either for financial reasons. I would give anything for him to leave but i would lose everything including my home if he does and i have 2 little ones still at home and 2 in college. I am stuck also in my M. I too live in a small town, so i know jobs are tough, i dont have the option of moving to a bigger town but it sounds like that might be an option for you. would you be able to get a job in a larger area?? and just move away altogether?
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2007
Thu, 10-16-2008 - 1:05pm

I think the single guy you are seeing sounds like trouble to me. Seeing another woman while saying these things to you doesn't sound cool at all in my opinion. I would guess once your husband finds out about the affair the marriage would effectively end anyway. I'm inferring he doesn't know about it. I think if you want to leave your husband, it's unfair to him to drag it out like this within the marriage if you aren't choosing to be faithful to him, whatever kind of guy he might be and whatever you feel for your husband. Even if he's a creep and you hate him, I wouldn't think it would be fair to him to drag it out with a lie. It sounds unfair to your husband across the board. And the single guy doesn't sound like he cares for you much, to be seeing someone else on the side. You deserve to be the ONLY woman in a relationship, just as any partner deserves that with you. You sound like that's what you want with the single guy, to be with him, etc. I don't think the guy would be as committed to you if already he's seeing somebody on the side, even though you know about her. It sounds like he wants to date a bit or see people, not settle down with any particular gal yet.

I think an affair brings pain and consequences to both people involved, even the one who's not cheating (unfairly). And a relationship with somebody willing to have an affair with you knowing you are married doesn't bode well for a future together. It just dosn't seem a sure thing at all, and if you care for this single guy a lot, you've got enough invested to be devastated later. If your husband doesn't know about the affair and you are allowing the marriage to continue, it's not fair to him. He deserves to be able to move on if need be. Is the marriage beyond saving, though? I know it takes two for it to be hard and a mess, so your husband might have a role in helping fix it, too, if both of you were willing. But change can come anyway and things can be healed that seem "unhealable?" Is that a word? Nah. That's okay. I'm curious about your husband's point of view, especially how he'll respond to the affair or the news of it. Don't hide it from him... face the music, so to speak. The single guy doesn't sound like somebody there's a future with. Perhaps things could be healed with your husband or repaired??




Edited 10/16/2008 1:12 pm ET by groovygirl81