Married woman seeing a single man

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2003
Married woman seeing a single man
18
Mon, 12-08-2003 - 3:22pm
Hi everyone,

I am new to this board and didn't see anyone with the same situation as me. I have been married for 12 years. My husband is a good man, but I found myself missing that excitement from the relationship and I'm also dealing with the fact that my husband can't have children. I want kids desperatly and my husband and I are going to an infertility doctor. I was out one evening with a friend and met a 24 year old man. I am 34. We danced and he asked me for my number. I gave him my work number and told him I was married. He called me that Monday and I have been seeing him ever since. My husband was in Central America on business for 3 weeks and I spent every night with the other man. He is fun, exciting and the sex is great. Now, my husband is back and I find myself missing the other guy terribly. Even though I know what I am doing is wrong, I can't stop or I don't want to stop. I know in my heart that I can't end my marriage and be with this 24 year old guy, but I think about him all the time. He tells me he loves me and wishes that I wasn't married. I think I love him. I am so confused and I feel like my heart is breaking.

Anyone else in this situation? I need someone to talk to about it.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2003
Tue, 12-16-2003 - 4:11pm
Glad to meet you too!

Let's see... My SG has been completely single for as long as I've known him, which is several years, and a dozen years older than me.

I finally got to the point where I had accepted our relationship for what it was. If President Clifford can't split hairs about whether or not he had sexual relations with that woman, then neither can I... So, as I told hdcmomma earlier today, "in for a penny, in for a pound", and I was ready to go for IC with him. I asked him for some clarification on his feelings about a week and a half ago, and instead of going in that direction, we did a 180 and now we're not enjoying "benefits" like we used to. I'm sad about that, but I do love my DH, and as long as I can have the wonderful close friendship that SG and I have, I'll be OK eventually.

I told SG that I would never leave DH for him, and that if my M ended, it would be for me. I told him that I wasn't thinking of wanting to marry him if I did, so not to be scared of that. The funny thing is, he said that if we were together and I was single, *he'd* want to! So maybe that was a hint from my SG too about me leaving DH for him.

Part of me says, "But I want to be with *you*!", so strongly that I think I would leave to be with him. But that's what stops me is that I know I would be leaving to be with him, and not for myself, which is a no-no.

I totally understand about not wanting to hurt your H, and what reason could you give if you did leave? I am in the same predicament. (By the way, how long have you been married? Over a decade for me) I am happy with our living arrangement, and we count on each other for support in the rough patches of our lives. I know what you mean about wondering if you would someday regret leaving. I just can't look forward and imagine not having been married to my DH the whole time. He is my life mate. To me, unless he does something tremendously awful like commit a felony, that means for life.

I know I could support, honor and cherish SG and share my life with him just as I am with DH, and my love for SG has not diminished my love for DH. I like to tease SG by saying, "who wants cake if all you can do is look at it?!" Why can't I just be married to them both?!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2003
Tue, 12-16-2003 - 4:45pm
Hi lucky rusty -

Wow, 4 years is a long time. I don't know how you have delt with a burden like this for that long. It has only been 2 months for me and I am already going nuts. How long have you been married? I have been married for 12 years (married way to young). Do you have children? I don't, so I think it makes it a little less complicated.

Thanks,

Christina

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2003
Tue, 12-16-2003 - 4:58pm
You say you have known your om for several years? Have you been "seeing" him for several years or were you friends or something? I have only been with my om for 2 months and I already feel like I can't deal. I don't know how someone can carry this around for so long. I am so confused only after two months. I have been married for 12 years, (got married at 21). I think I have kind of outgrown my husband. I use the word outgrown for lack of a better term. I was blinded by love when I met him and thought everything would always be the way it was then. Boy did I learn quickly that it was not the same. Part of me feels immature to expect that things will always be wonderful and exciting. I also know that if I did leave hubby for om that the excitement would wear off eventually with him too, but I love that feeling I get when I am with him. I can't get him out of my mind and I feel physically sick when I leave him. I get a stomach ache. I am totally and utterly confused as to what to do. I know no one can tell me how to handle this, but I do appreciate people sharing their stories and giving support. Thank you for listening and relating. I don't wish this on anyone and had I known this is how it was going to turn out, I doubt I would ever do it again. Hope you have a great evening. By the way, how old are you and where are you from? I am 34 and from Washington DC.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2003
Tue, 12-16-2003 - 6:30pm
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Edited 3/10/2004 5:03 pm ET ET by geek_chic
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2003
Wed, 12-17-2003 - 9:38am
Christina,

Yeah, it seems like a very long time! I've been married 16 years. Actually, this is my second marriage. My husband and I have a 13 yr. old daughter. I've always been a very responsible person - meaning I feel responsible for making everyone happy, which I know is impossible. But anyway, it seems like every time I would think I would be able to leave there would be some family crisis that would prevent it. I have an older daughter who had some problems at one point, my elderly father was ill and came to live with me, my brother had some severe problems and came to live with me (still does), my husband lost his job. You know - it just goes on and on and there never seems to be a good time. On well. Sorry for rambling. Since you don't have any children it would make it somewhat easier.

I thought about what I would tell my husband. I guess just that I don't love him the way that I should. It's really not right for him either, and he deserves someone to feel the right way about him and to have someone to be in love with him.

I hope you can resolve your problem soon. Take care.

Denise

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2003
Wed, 12-17-2003 - 11:00am
It seems to me after reading your "story" that mine isn't all that complicated and like you said, I am too new on the "rollercoaster ride".

How can you resist not being with your om sexually? That is a big part of my attraction to my om, but not all of it, but when I am with him, it's like I have to have him.


You asked me how I feel about my om. I feel like I can share most things with him, but it is not the same as what I can share with my husband. Of course with time, one becomes more comfortable sharing details that you might not share with someone you have only known a while. I would say that my relationship with the om is more of a physical attraction, (we have lots of sex)but the more time we spend together, the more our friendship is developing. I plan on asking him tonight if he is being honest about his feelings for me, if he really does love me, or if he thinks it just might be a crush or is he confusing sex for love. The weird thing about him is that he is 24, I am 34. It's almost as if I want to take care of him, and I think he likes that about me, that I am older and established and can help him. As far as us getting married, I can't see it, not yet at least, and I think that is because of the age thing. I don't know why I am so hung up on that.

You are very sweet to talk with me and commiserate about this. I really appreciate your posts and your insights. Have a great day!

Christina

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2003
Wed, 12-17-2003 - 11:05am
Hi Denise,

Thanks for sharing your point of view with me. Like I was telling geek chic, it seems that most people on here, have stories much more complicated than mine. Most seem to have been in their situation for years and me only 2 months. What you said about telling your husband, I have thought of saying something like that, although, I am so scared that I will regret it, that I have to be very sure that I don't act too quickly and make a bad decision. Hope you have a good day!

Christina
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2003
Wed, 12-17-2003 - 12:09pm
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Edited 3/10/2004 5:05 pm ET ET by geek_chic

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