MAS needed please.
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MAS needed please.
| Wed, 09-22-2010 - 2:34pm |
First, I want to apologize if my being a male and posting here is inappropriate but, I really need some advice. I have been married 20 years with two teenage daughters. I have been emotionally disconnected from my marriage for a few years now and everything is pretty much mechanical as far as home life goes with my wife. I am able to put on a good face around my wife but, inside there is nothing there. I went to counseling (my decision) and followed their steps but, I have not been able to get the emotional connection back. I thought about leaving a few years ago but, stayed for the sake of my kids. My girls really hold things together for me at home they just have no idea they do. I just go through life day by day working, providing for my family. My wife is a good person and a great mom. I do love her but, not like I use to. There is no spark, no physical attraction, and it seems we act more like friends then husband and wife. I do enjoy her company and conversation and I do have a comfort zone at home and around my wife. I have been faithful during our entire relationship until now. I met someone through work and it has now turned into an affair. I had no plans this was going to happen, I just wanted to take care of her business she needed done and move on to the next thing I had to do on my desk. I had only talked to her on the phone prior to our first meeting (which was legit business) in person. When we started talking I was immediately drawn to her. I started feeling things I had not felt in many years. We clicked right away and I could tell she felt the same. We continued talking to each other after our first meeting using text, email and phone calls. I started really liking her on many levels. I told her right up front that I was married and she told me she was going through a divorce. She also has two kids but they are younger then mine. Our relationship grew and grew (no sex) just very friendly and I grew fonder of her after every meeting. Not long ago, I stopped by her house and as I started to leave we kissed. I know it was wrong but, it felt electric. We didn’t stop at just a kiss we went all the way. I should have seen this building up with all the flirting that had been going on leading up to this night I stopped by her house but, I swear I had no idea this was going to happen. I won’t go into details but, it was wonderful on many levels. We have seen each other since that night (no sex) and both of us have admitted to how drawn to one another we are now. My problem is I have no idea what to do now. I don’t want a drawn out affair nor, do I want to leave my wife and kids. In my mind I have called myself a pig, loser and you can just pick the adjective and I’m sure I’ve called myself that. I’m a former military officer and have lived my life using words like honesty, integrity, and look at me now. Those words seem worlds away from me now because they do not describe me anymore. Part of me feels total guilt for what I have done and part of me wants to just be with this new women. I have never been in this situation before and I do not know what to do. Any advice would be much appreciated. Again, if it’s inappropriate for me to post here then perhaps a moderator can delete my post if that’s what needs to be done. Thanks,

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Welcome to MAS Joe!
Of course guys are allowed to post. They actually get a lot of attention around here with their guy's point of view. :-)
It seems like so many of the men involved with the women here are loaded with guilt and they do this "push and pull" thing, where they come near, then feel guilty and stop contact for a few days, etc. It sounds like, if you continue on the A path, you might become one of them. Another is right that you might want to REALLY try to revive your marriage. If you do that, you should end contact with your AP, as it really confuses things and doesn't give the marriage a real chance when you're involved with someone else.
You've gotten a lot of good advice from everyone here so far and you've met Nevereasy - our resident guy friend LOL. Maybe you can make his load lighter and ease his burden of always being called on for the "guy's viewpoint". :-)
You've got a lot of choices. If getting out of bed in the morning is a chore and you're not smiling on a regular basis, try another choice. ~Steven D. Woodhull
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You've
I am a lurker on this board from time to time but your post caught my eye. I had a short three month A and left my xh. The M was really bad. I continued seeing my AP (he was single) and we have now been M for over 15 years. What I realized is that M is hard and that passion, fire and sparks eventually die out. I love my H and I don't have any regrets about marrying him but our union was turmultuous and very hard. Trust was a huge issue on both sides and it took years of working together in RL. I saw him as perfect when I was M to my first H and I saw him as my savior. The man who would rescue me from my abusive, sorry xh. He was none of that. He was a man with flaws in RL. We still have passion and we have a good M but it took me many years to realize that I needed some "fixin" and so did my H.
I can tell you that if you left your M, after years of being M you will eventually be right where you are now unless you work at making your M a good one that is solid. An A is never the answer. I am a person who likes to escape from RL and fantasize about being somewhere else (if you know what I mean). It has been hard for me to stay M this second time. My H is a good man and we have a good M only because we work really hard at it every single day. We make a conscious effort each morning to give each other all of ourselves. It's not easy but it's worth it. If you stay in your A, eventually the guilt and self-loathing will eat away at your self-esteem. Soon those highs of the newness and the fact that you are sneeking will wear off and one day you will see her as a woman who is OK with the fact that she is cheating with a MM. If you left your W for her you will have a long hard road and you will soon find out what in her told her it was OK to date you while you were M. Mrs. Perfect will become Mrs. Regular and you will see her true self. If your W finds out about your A, you may not have the opportunity to decide whether you will stay M because she might just force you to leave. You are truly playing with fire.
I read you post and none of the responses so I am not sure if I am repeating something.
I mainly lurk here but want to welcome you. Men are great to have here as we value their opinions. I love my H more than anything and for the most part have a good marriage. H cheated on me years ago and we have been to MC. I am not ever leaving H because I know no one will make me happier. It is reality. Every RL has its ups and downs. Unless you are miserable do you believe you will be happier w/o your wife and happier with another? Anotherseyes has very good advice. When in the "cloud" of an A we don't always understand how much our spouse means till they come close to walking away. I am very careful with my A as it is LD and am very glad for that. Think of how you would feel having a D-day. Think how you would feel if your W found out and left. Not trying to be a downer but it is a big part of reality. Usually it's not if you get caught but when. I've been through it and can tell you it is horrible.
I wish you much luck in your decision.
Glad you figured that out before it was too late.
you sound like someone i know well. my ap is in a long-term marriage with 3 children, a successful business and he is very community oriented and minded. neither he nor i will leave our marriages for the sake of the children, the family unit, and our committment to the families we each have. what u have found is not an uncommon situation. upsetting your children or her children is not worth the eventuality of maybe this connection u found with her isn't all that. earlier this year, a poster on this site wrote that the nuclear fall out of the life she had created was unimaginable. and i agree. i can not endure this marriage, but i sacrifice myself for the family. however, i could not survive the turmoil, upset , etc.. of having my own children travel between households, having an angry father, change schools and perhaps financial status, and become latchkey children. i can not do that to them. i feel like it is not there fault that i chose poorly for a mate, or that my own needs have changed over the 20 years of being together. but i can find some sort of reprieve, satisfaction and happiness with another. it sounds like u have been able to do that. i wish you strength in this endeavor. it will be difficult. u will miss her like crazy. u will wonder why she hasn't called, or when she will next. but if u two can agree to want to see each other w/out upsetting what u already have, then it may work out for u for quite some time. u would be surprised what else is out there. we don't hear about other situations as this b/c it is taboo. but it does happen regularly. if i were christina aguilera with only a toddler underfoot,
Update. I feel like I owe everyone an update. I am still seeing AP. Our chemisrty is something neiter of us can deny. Our sexual relationship is like wild fire. I have had time to think about "true feelings" and they are not there. I do care about her a lot! however at this point it's mainly sexual. I have also thought that it is time to end the sexual side and maintain a friendship. Her life is so different then mine and I can not imagine living day to day with her. I am also feeling a lot of guilt as well and it's just not worth it. The sex is really like a drug in my case and I need to get off the drug. I like her but, we are not made for eachother that's for sure. I'd rather keep her as a friend then lose everything with her. She has told me that she is also confused about our relationship and is not sure what to do either. I was with her the other night and she fell asleep with my arm around her and her head on my chest. It felt so good just looking at her sleeping. She was snoring just a bit and I thought it was cute. When she woke up I (in a very nice way endearing way) said you were snoring. She sorta went off on me. She was like, I wake up and the first thing you say is you were snoring? Anyway, I need to figure out how to tell her that as much as I want to keep seeing her and having fun, the guilt is starting to eat away at me. My wife, my kids, they need me and all I am doing it living a lie. It's a lot to handle and it's starting to effect me physically. I have a hard time sleeping, eating, working because all I do is think about the next lie, or not trying to get caught. I also think about how good it feels with her. The sex is amazing! but, it's just sex and I can't continue this much longer no matter how good it feels.
Thank you for keeping us updated on your situation. I'm glad that you are able to see what your affair with AP really is "just sex" and not nothing more. Once the emotions come into play things can get very hectic. I know the sex is pretty addicting and feel since you are not in love or head over heals that you can manage to pull away & end it. If you plan on it, please do so now before emotions run wild.
I know exactly how you feel about living a lie and the guilt most times takes its toll. Really give yourself some space and decide if you want to end this or not. I know you will feel so much peace within yourself but you have to get ready to deal with the withdrawals of it all. Keep your head up and remember you come first. Do what makes you happy & is in your best interest.
Much peace & Love,
Rayne
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