MAS needed please.
Find a Conversation
MAS needed please.
| Wed, 09-22-2010 - 2:34pm |
First, I want to apologize if my being a male and posting here is inappropriate but, I really need some advice. I have been married 20 years with two teenage daughters. I have been emotionally disconnected from my marriage for a few years now and everything is pretty much mechanical as far as home life goes with my wife. I am able to put on a good face around my wife but, inside there is nothing there. I went to counseling (my decision) and followed their steps but, I have not been able to get the emotional connection back. I thought about leaving a few years ago but, stayed for the sake of my kids. My girls really hold things together for me at home they just have no idea they do. I just go through life day by day working, providing for my family. My wife is a good person and a great mom. I do love her but, not like I use to. There is no spark, no physical attraction, and it seems we act more like friends then husband and wife. I do enjoy her company and conversation and I do have a comfort zone at home and around my wife. I have been faithful during our entire relationship until now. I met someone through work and it has now turned into an affair. I had no plans this was going to happen, I just wanted to take care of her business she needed done and move on to the next thing I had to do on my desk. I had only talked to her on the phone prior to our first meeting (which was legit business) in person. When we started talking I was immediately drawn to her. I started feeling things I had not felt in many years. We clicked right away and I could tell she felt the same. We continued talking to each other after our first meeting using text, email and phone calls. I started really liking her on many levels. I told her right up front that I was married and she told me she was going through a divorce. She also has two kids but they are younger then mine. Our relationship grew and grew (no sex) just very friendly and I grew fonder of her after every meeting. Not long ago, I stopped by her house and as I started to leave we kissed. I know it was wrong but, it felt electric. We didn’t stop at just a kiss we went all the way. I should have seen this building up with all the flirting that had been going on leading up to this night I stopped by her house but, I swear I had no idea this was going to happen. I won’t go into details but, it was wonderful on many levels. We have seen each other since that night (no sex) and both of us have admitted to how drawn to one another we are now. My problem is I have no idea what to do now. I don’t want a drawn out affair nor, do I want to leave my wife and kids. In my mind I have called myself a pig, loser and you can just pick the adjective and I’m sure I’ve called myself that. I’m a former military officer and have lived my life using words like honesty, integrity, and look at me now. Those words seem worlds away from me now because they do not describe me anymore. Part of me feels total guilt for what I have done and part of me wants to just be with this new women. I have never been in this situation before and I do not know what to do. Any advice would be much appreciated. Again, if it’s inappropriate for me to post here then perhaps a moderator can delete my post if that’s what needs to be done. Thanks,

Pages
I'm a "graduate" of the MAS board - but not in the usual manner. I left my marriage and am in a "real life" relationship with my former AP. We actually moved in together almost 2 months ago.
When AP and I met the first time, I felt like you did.. one look at him and my world stopped. From the very first moment, I couldn't imagine not having him in my life. I felt like I had met my soulmate. For the first time in YEARS, I was actually happy! We had an affair for a little while and when I realized he loved me and felt the same way, I took the steps necessary to end my marriage. Let me say this -- I wanted to leave my marriage long before AP showed up, but I was so scared to do so. His support was the backbone I needed to take the steps needed to make myself happy finally.
Was it easy to end a 13 yr marriage? No. Was it easy to tell my children their dad and I was separating? No. It's been a long, rough year,
You found out that it's like an addictive drug, would
"I wanted to leave my marriage long before AP showed up."
Ex-DH and I separated once before and I wanted to leave sooo bad that time. BUT. My kids were very young, I was a stay at home and I truly felt trapped. No car. No money. Nothing. I knew that I couldn't jump off the ship at that point - not with two small children to think about. So. I stayed. I was extremely unhappy, but I stayed. I wanted to do what was right for my kids (how often do we read that around here?!).
Before AP/BF came into my life, I was slowly planning my exit. But, I was so scared to leave that I was dragging my feet. I didn't want to upset my children's lives or to cause ANYONE pain. When I met AP/BF, I knew from the first moment that I couldn't live my life without him nor did I have any desire to have him as a 'side dish' to my marriage. I know we hear that a lot around here - and it's pretty cliched, but it's true for me. I felt so happy when I was with him. I felt.. jeez.. free is a good word. Like I could face anything with him standing by my side. I immediately went back to planning how I would get out of the marriage - I left a job I really, really liked to take a different job that paid more money because I KNEW I couldn't support myself on what I was making at the other job. There were small steps that I made to insure that I wouldn't be in trouble when I left.
Did I leave FOR AP? No. I left for ME. I left because *I* needed to be happy. I needed to live my life for ME. AP/BF NEVER, EVER, EVER suggested that I leave my marriage. I knew how he felt about me (it was a mutual need to be together) but he NEVER laid down an ultimatium with me. He told me to do what felt right to me and what made ME happy.
His support and strength has helped me in so many ways. I feel like that's what a relationship is about - unconditional support and love. I didn't have either in my marriage.
I wanted to post another update. I am still seeing AP. I want to stop but, the more I see her the more I like her. I saw her last night and we had the most amazing night together and the best I can describe it is like a good thunderstorm, first the clouds form on the horizon, the wind picks up and the air becomes energized. Soon the clouds fill the sky and the world itself is filled with energy, sparks seemed to ignight all over our bodies. The wind increases as distant thunder and flashes of lighting begin to streak across the sky getting closer, growing stronger and then, the air itself seems to come alive, the sky opens and the clouds rip apart as one massive surge of power explodes right through you. Blinded by the flash, deaf from the thunderous roar and tingling from head to foot... And then, it passes over and slowly vanishes, leaving in it's wake a sense of peace, comfort and awe... I am confused about AP now. Since my last post we have grown closer and closer. The sexual part is still there but, we have grown closer emotionally. We have talked about how are feelings have grown for one another and we agree the feelings are real and have turned from physical to emtional feelings. But, neither of us want to hurt anyone (kids, wife). I tried to pull away from AP but, I am drawn to her. I like her a lot. I'm in emtional turmoil and just don't know what to do :(
Your wife must know there is something going on and I'd bet she is going crazy inside wondering what it is. I think it's time to be honest with her. She deserves to find another man that can be a faithful husband to her and a good stepfather to your girls. You obviously can't go on living a double life much longer and your wife deserves to know the truth about her marriage. How about carefully feeling her out about having an open marriage? Maybe she'll meet a good man and fall in love with him and you will be off the hook.
Pages