This may be kids stuff, I need a friend
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| Wed, 11-19-2003 - 2:48pm |
Now, I am in a very happy marriage. We have been married for 10 years and I could not imagine my life without him. I say that becuase it is a big oart of my problem. I am honestly happy and in love with my husband and cannot understand why my friend has such a hold on me.
Well, my friend and I have gone to lunch on many occaisions and attended the same events, seperately but we always say hello, and hug. The last 2 times I have seen him the hugs have been so different. They are longer and more tender. He looks at me in such a way that I know he has feelings for me. We have joked on a couple of occaisions about fooling around but I am certain that we are not being completely honest about our desire. Well a few days ago I did something stupid. He came to see me for some personal and business reasons and we were leaving and we really dragged out our goodbyes. Well the last time we hugged and had this uncontrollable urge to kiss him. So I kissed him on the cheek before he left. I fretted the rest of the day that I might have offended him or something and sent him a text and said basically if I was inapproptiate I apologixed. He txtd back and said it would take a lot more than whatever I thought I did to be inappropriate. Well I felt better.
Well last night I dreamt about him and am sitting here unable to get him out of my head. I do not want to wreck my marriage, and I know pursuing anything will cause me to lose anything. My question is, why, knowing all of the risks, do I find myself seeking it out? What is wrong with me?
Thanks in advance.

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Edited 3/10/2004 4:48 pm ET ET by geek_chic
However, if I may be so bold as to offer advice... Is your H very supportive of you, or does he debate you on your feelings and try to convince you that they are not valid? I think this is a very important point. So, if he *is* supportive...
You have a *lot* invested in your 10 year M. Have a talk with your H and let him know that you are feeling a lot of confusing feelings and you need his support. Make sure he knows you need him. See a marriage counselor alone a few times to establish what you want to accomplish, then arrange for H to join you. Tell him you are very much in love with him, and that you want to go to couple's counseling to work through your very confusing feelings. Once you have established a safe way of communicating with him in the counseling, tell him you're scared of these feelings because you know if you act on them it will hurt you and him and your M, and that you don't want to do that. This is y'all's wake-up call that your relationship needs to change or it's going to die (however slowly).
Please, please don't be scared of the pain that you both will go through in working through this. It's nothing compared to the pain that will be caused by having an A. I wish I had taken my own advice before it was too late.
I hope to hear from you again. Even if my advice won't work for you, I'll be here with support for whatever you decide will work for you!
I am scared to death to say anything to H because I know that regardless of how it is handled it will hurt him. He has done absolutely nothing to deserve being hurt. He had said a few years ago that he would not be surprised if one day I woke up and wondered what it would be like to be with another man (H is the only man I have ever been with) At the time I scoffed at it but now I'm like "yea". He even said if there was ever a guy that I just "Absolutley had to have" that he would understand. I have tried once or twice to innocently probe and see if he still feels that way and he has made it clear that he does not. UGH!!!! I know that so far I am acting appropriately and that a kiss on the cheek does not mean adultery, but I am afraid that I am walking in that direction without really trying.
I will give myslef a pep talk before a meeting with him and say, "Be good. Don't flirt, just keep it business" and within 10 minutes we are talking and laughing and not observing any personal space rule. I am so comfortable with him and I will have to conciously look at my body language and change it. It is honestly effortless. If I was trying to put the moves on him I could not do any better. Haha. Well thank you for reading. Hope to hear back from you!!
My H and I have been married since '02, together since '00. Before I met him, my last serious relationship was with someone who I'm still very close to and someone I work with everyday. When we broke up, it was devestating because it came out of nowhere. (he initiated the break up.) It took awhile, but we moved on, stayed friends and I love having him there to talk to. It would take way too long to get into everything now, but right after I got engaged, I ended up seeing this ex. out one night. We began talking and the floodgates opened ~ He told me how losing me was the biggest mistake, how he still regrets it, etc. I was floored. He sent a few emails saying the same things, how if I ever find myself alone, all I have to do is say the word and he'd be there. It really threw me for a loop at the time, but I didn't hesitate about getting married and never dreamed of acting on anything. I guess now, 2 years later, I don't know where I stand. 2 weekends ago, I was out with the girls and we ran into my ex. He hung out with us for a little bit and I ended up driving him home because he'd been drinking. We kissed and I have been a mess ever since then. It's easy enough to say it happened because he'd been drinking, but I hadn't and I certainly did nothing to stop it. The last thing I want to do is leave my H but I have just been walking around feeling like the most horrible person. I'm not trying to make excuses for it because there's not, but my H and I have been going through a good deal of stress lately, mainly TTC for 15 months with no results. That has really put a strain on our relationship but the last thing I want is for that to end our relationship. I love our life, and I know these rough patches are a normal part of life. I can't deal with it by turning to my ex, I know that. But I too find that I have to make little rules for myself ("no flirting", etc.) I know I haven't done anything truly horrible, but I am scared that if I let my guard down I will. Admitting this also makes me feel like a horrible person, but I do not trust myself with my ex. I just don't know how to handle this all. My ex. and I email and IM and like I said, I do see him everyday at work and I truly don't want to lose him as a friend because he is wonderfully supportive of me. But I don't want to jeopardize my marriage either.
I'm so glad I saw your post. I started lurking here about a week ago, after all this happened and had to respond when I read how similar our stories sound.
I'm sorry for the extremely long post ~ I tried talking to a friend about all this and the reaction I got basically affirmed that I was a horrible person. I just needed to talk to someone a little less non-judgemental about it.
It is hard when the object of one's desire is one's friend. On the one hand you know that your feelings are inappropriate and that you should avoid contact to be "safe" but on the other hand you hate to lose a friend when it is your weakness you are concerned about.
I don't know that anything will ever happen with my friend, and if I tell my husband how I feel he will ask me not to see that friend, and rightfully so, but I am not ready to do that yet.
I don't know if I have helped you at all, but you have helped me.
Thanks!!
When I read your posts, it's like I could have written them myself. I completely understand where you're coming from. I don't want to leave my H, that's the last thing I would do. But I also do not want to lose the contact, relationship, friendship, whatever you want to call it, with the ex. H doesn't know that we still email and IM because when he found about it a few years ago, it didn't go over too well. That in itself makes me feel like I'm sneaking around, trying to hide something that isn't even wrong.
The ex. and I were IMing last night and he apologized for the kiss. I told him I certainly didn't need any apologies. There were 2 people there and I certainly didn't push him away. *Sigh* As much as I hate admitting this, I just believe that the ex. is someone that I will never fully trust myself around. Like you said, I feel like I always need to have my guard up and make rules for myself.
Thanks again.
Just checking in with you and wanted to say hi. How are things going today with you?
I must admit to being a little insecure about my SG the last couple of days, because he had a couple of social functions the past couple of evenings (the odds that he was not with his best friend of 27 years but out with a woman are about as likely as the damned breaking out their parkas in hell, not that I'd care). I told him today I've been thinking about "us" a lot over the past several days (didn't tell him I'd been here though... not ready yet). I finally dragged out of him that he thinks about "us" too. Fine, I'm not going to push this issue, so I said "Good to know." (a la "That 70s Show" if anyone else is a fan) Then I said I was just kidding and went on to my meeting.
I need five hours more a day as it is; I don't have time to play this game. He thinks of us as "us" and that's enough for me right now.
In response to your comments, "if I tell my husband how I feel he will ask me not to see that friend, and rightfully so, but I am not ready to do that yet", and "we are trading e-mails, innocent but still." That was me two years ago. BTDT, and it was my desire to hold on to the friendship that kept me going back until it was too late.
Your friend will still be there if you try to work something out with H and it doesn't work. If you need this relationship with friend, you can tell H that he can ask you not to see him, but that you are choosing to do so, and that you are prepared to accept whatever consequences come of that.
What are you thinking and feeling about all the different possibilities? I know your head must be awhirl. Please feel free to just lay bare your true feelings about them with me. I won't judge, and it might help crystallize things in your mind.
Edited 3/10/2004 4:49 pm ET ET by geek_chic
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