may be on the verge of NC; need advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2003
may be on the verge of NC; need advice
8
Mon, 10-06-2003 - 8:49pm
We had a situation over the weekend. Well, he did. See, usually, I call him from my home using a calling card so that it won't be traced either way. For some crazy reason, I got the urge to call him Friday night from my cell phone. I thought it would still be pretty safe since I only contact him at his place of business. Well, he was very short with me in letting me know that he was busy. He even asked who I was so I assumed W was there. Then I started worrying about her looking at the Caller ID and calling me back. Well, she didn't but when I called him this morning, he said that she told him she called the number back and a woman answered. This is totally not true because my phone never rang, no missed calls, nothing. I tried to tell him that she probably assumed it was me (she knows our history and he always gives himself away by getting all nervous when I call and she's around) and she just said this to get him to admit to it. he never said exactly how it went, but apparently there was a fall out and I just don't know what to do now. There has already been an incident concerning me calling and I know that if this keeps happening she'll never let him out of her sight and there goes our plans.

So,he didn't ask me to stop calling, but I (in a round about way) suggested it, but we couldn't talk long and we never got anything out in the open on the subject. I do still want to continue with this, but I certainly don't want to be the cause of any mishaps in his marriage and I'm not trying to risk mine either. So, I was thinking of just laying low for a month or so to let things cool down on his homefront. Only, I don't know how I'm going to pull it off when I think of him every second. Also, I haven't really informed him of my plan to do this, so it would be pretty abrupt... should I at least write him a letter?

Please send some advice my way!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2003
Wed, 10-08-2003 - 7:21pm
More has transpired since I posted this.

I tried calling again today and he pulled the same old thing on me, telling me to call back in 10 min, then when I called back, someone else answered and said he wasn't there. I never got and clear response from him on whether he thought we should cool it, if we were still on for next month, or exactly what went on with him and W to make her threaten to leave. Now, I'm sitting here feeling all desperate and clingy because I still need answers and being too much of a friggin' coward to give me any! If he wants to end it, why won't he say so? If he wants me to stop calling or if he promised her he would stop talking to me, why won't he just tell me!

I can't believe I'm in the same situation I was in 11 years ago with this man. He would never step up to the plate when it came to things like this. Instead of telling me he wanted to break up and/or see other people, he chose to ignore me instead or give round about answers. I know he probably wants to keep from hurting me, but this is hurting me more than him saying the words ever could.

I know that he needs to set things right at home, but I can't stand leaving things so undone, not knowing where I stand anymore and how much he's admitted to W abot us if anything. It's driving me crazy!

I've committed myself to not calling anymore, but I'm tempted to write him a letter and let him know that I know what it is he's doing (avoiding me, tto cowardly to officially break it off). But he has no way of contacting me at all and I'll never know if he ever "gets it" or if I'll just seem pitiful and pathetic to him.

Damn, girls, what do I do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-04-2003
Thu, 10-09-2003 - 12:19am
can i be me,

I feel you. I would probably write him a letter, if you know if he'll get it. There isn't any excuse for no word. There is always away to tell you if he cared enough. He sounds like a wimp and not worth the emotional rollercoaster that he's got you on. You already know how he handles situations, he just blows you off. What does that say about his back bone or feelings for you. Not alot. I'm sorry, it just makes me so mad that he doesn't have the guts to even let you know that he just can't talk to you, no instead he just drops the whole thing with no explanations. Screw that girl! You deserve better. I would be livid if I were you. Anyhow, sorry I went off, hope things work out no matter what you decide to do. Jdreamer

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 10-09-2003 - 10:20am
me -- never put anything in writing! you're already worried about caller i.d. if his W is suspicious, she'll find that letter, i can assure you. my BF searched everything until he found a few pages i'd written about my feelings for my MM. and i never, ever thought he would invade my privacy. but he was suspicious and all thought of my privacy went out the window!

leave your MM a message at the office (or wherever it's safe) that you want to cool it for awhile (you pick the timeframe) and to call you when his W is less suspicious of HIM. he needs to work on his M and keep his W relatively happy or the whole situation will blow up on both of you.

good luck,

gurl

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 10-09-2003 - 10:26am
me -- i just read your second posting -- girl you've been in this exact situation before and you're saying you don't know what to do?

get the hell out of this R! he's dropped you before with no explanation and no closure. forget the answers from him -- you obviously have them. he won't take your phone calls and isn't there for you. dump him honey, he's bad news.

i think you said you're married. if that's true, concentrate on your H and your M. if you don't want to stay in the M, get out, move on, life your life!

don't let the MM control your life and/or emotions. he's made his decision, once again.

sorry for being blunt, but he's a jerk!

gurl

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2003
Thu, 10-09-2003 - 6:40pm
Thanks, gurl, for the reply and I don't mind the bluntness at all. I like thinsgs straightforward. I'm just not getting it that way with MM.

I was repeating to myself almost exactly what you said all day yesterday and today. Hell, I've been in that exact same place before and it took him doing even more hurtful things for me to end the R back then. I just can't believe I took such risks for this... that's what ticks me off and has me wanting to let him know. But, the more time that passes, the more I'm saying to hell with it... let another month or two pass and he starts missing me again and let him wonder where in the hell I am and why I won't call.

Thanks again!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2003
Thu, 10-09-2003 - 6:55pm
Thanks for your response, jdreamer. I have been working on a letter to him letting him know that these childish tactics were hurtful and unnecessary. I've stated that I realize more now than ever that I just need to let him go. He's not worth the risk and he's shown me that I'm not even worth a half-assed goodbye.

But, even if I finish the letter, I doubt I'll mail it. Part of me wants him to know how much he's hurt me, but part of me doesn't want him to know that I'm still this weak when it comes to him. I'm married for pete's sake!!

I just don't understand how the situation went from him calling me beautiful and telling me he would be with me if circumstances were different to making me look like a desperate fool.

Geez!

Thanks again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Fri, 10-10-2003 - 10:22am
"I just don't understand how the situation went from him calling me beautiful and telling me he would be with me if circumstances were different to making me look like a desperate fool. "

That's easy. The minute you start to believe that he believes that crap he's feeding, you start to look like a "desperate fool".

Laugh Smiles

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 10-10-2003 - 10:44am
honey -- i've read your subsequent posts and please, if you do write that letter, re-read, memorize it and then destroy it. don't let your H find it or mail it to MM. get it all out on paper and get rid of it!

and good luck in whatever you decide with this A -- NC would be best, but only you can know what is best for you.

gurl