May "roll call", and a few questions

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2010
May "roll call", and a few questions
51
Tue, 05-04-2010 - 11:12am

OK, it's time to re-introduce ourselves. If you're tired of telling "your story", you can post a link to a previous post that contained it, or you can do a "reader's digest condensed" version. :-)

My RDC version is:

I've been married many years, have known my H since high school, have some grown children and little grandchildren. I've been involved with my (single) OM for 11 years - during which we've gone through a lot! We are very good and deeply trusted friends, who have sex. I do love him, but I feel that my marriage is happy and I love my H also, and our life together.

Now the questions...

What is it you seek from this board? Do you think you're getting what you wanted here? I've noticed that some posters have disappeared since I've gotten here, and although I realize that that is the nature of this place, I also realize I could have driven some away. If there's something you wish were different, or better, share it. Don't be afraid - it might actually improve the board! :-) Share...

Proud to be a





You've got a lot of choices. If getting out of bed in the morning is a chore and you're not smiling on a regular basis, try another choice. ~Steven D. Woodhull

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You've

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2010
Wed, 05-05-2010 - 7:25pm

I am a lurker and have never posted here until now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2008
Wed, 05-05-2010 - 8:28pm

I usually just lurk but sometimes post. I'm trying to be more involved with the board soooo...I do have a long story but I will give the short and sweet version.

I'm a MW who mas been married for almost 12 years. I met AP who is a MM last fall online. I actually really liked him but at the time I was not in a position to start anything. We kept in touch (actually he did) and it turned into a PA a couple of months ago. We seem to have a pretty good connection and have similar interests. I'm very comfortable around him and when we see each other we could just talk for hours. Of course we are not intending to leave our marriages for each other.

Though, we don't actually talk much during the week...IM,text or email. Which could be a good or bad thing. No chat or email records no chance of getting caught I guess, I just wish we could talk more often....sigh.

Oh yeah, this is not my first A....that's the long story I guess. I do have my first AP that I still chat with. The PA of the A ended a year ago. We have tried being friends, argued, stop talking all together and now we are talking again. IDK what to label him....friend? xap? AP/EA? I guess that would depend on which board I'm on.lol

Anyway, Lexi i think your doing a great job, i like the board much better now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2004
Wed, 05-05-2010 - 10:36pm

Thanks for starting this thread, sometimes it's hard to keep track of everyones story.


I have known my AP for almost three years, we have split up a couple of times but have been back on for awhile and things couldn't be better.

 
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2010
Thu, 05-06-2010 - 6:18am

Lexi thanks for the welcome!


Before I married H we had a open marriage in the sense we had sexual encounters with other couples (swingers) and it later progressed to encounters with other men/women just on our own.


We have talked many times about feelings coming into it and what would happen if it did - we have both agreed that we are not looking for another relationship so it is purly about the physical thing (my H has an extremely hugh libido).


As stupid as all of that sounds, I have never told him about AP as I knew him looonnnggg before I met H and there was a relationship there for a long time. As I said in another post H has given me the ok to have the physical thing with AP (Not knowing that I already do) but I don't think he would be happy knowing there are feelings invloved.


It is all very confusing I suppose!!


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2010
Thu, 05-06-2010 - 7:00am

Sunshine, it's interesting that when your AP started talking about a life together, maybe even a child, you got a little turned off from him. I think sometimes our subconscious allows us to pick an AP that we would not pick as a lifetime partner - in other words our standards are "different" for the two. I'm not even saying the standards are lower, just "different". When your AP brings up this subject, do you let him know that you never want to leave your H? It would probably be best to be honest about that.

I understand about the "highs" of an A leaving you and you settling into a more subdued, but satisfying, A. That's where I've been for a long time!

Proud to be a





You've got a lot of choices. If getting out of bed in the morning is a chore and you're not smiling on a regular basis, try another choice. ~Steven D. Woodhull

Proud to be a





You've

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2010
Thu, 05-06-2010 - 7:41am
You know justlivin, strangely, most of us didn't talk to anyone but our APs about our A before we found this place and when that happens, we lose sight of what's "normal" in an A and what isn't - leaving us to often accept UNacceptable behavior because we just don't know any better! I think that's another wonderful thing about this place, someone can step up and say "NO you shouldn't let him get away with that or do that to you - that's not right, even for an A". I'm glad you found this place and hope to see you posting around. :-)

Proud to be a





You've got a lot of choices. If getting out of bed in the morning is a chore and you're not smiling on a regular basis, try another choice. ~Steven D. Woodhull

Proud to be a





You've

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2010
Thu, 05-06-2010 - 7:44am
I'm glad you plan to stick around allismom. You can also post over at "AAS" where there are so many in your situation dealing with a real life relationship that started as an A. There are a lot of issues you would have in common with them that just aren't there in a "normally started" relationship. But your experience will be helpful to the posters here so I'm glad you're staying!

Proud to be a





You've got a lot of choices. If getting out of bed in the morning is a chore and you're not smiling on a regular basis, try another choice. ~Steven D. Woodhull

Proud to be a





You've

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2010
Thu, 05-06-2010 - 7:58am

Welcome to MAS Morgan!

I would mention, as advice, that just because it "seems" your APs wife has bought the story that was told to her doesn't mean she's TOTALLY bought it, and her suspicions are up. Once a spouse's suspicions are up, all bets are off about discovery, because there are SO many ways to get caught. Don't know how you usually communicate, but there are easy, cheap password breaking software one can buy which would get her easily into your APs e-mail, or there are easy cheap key-logging programs which are installed on the computer and then every keystroke your AP types will be sent to her e-mail; there are GPSs to attach to cars, voice activated recorders (tiny ones) that can be placed near telephones, not to mention bugging the phone itself.

In many cases the spouse actually WON'T do any of those things because the prospect of finding out the truth is worse than living with suspicion, but be extra careful anyway.

Other than that it sounds like your A is in an easy place. I'm glad you found this place to share your story and hopefully give others advice and hugs when needed!

Proud to be a





You've got a lot of choices. If getting out of bed in the morning is a chore and you're not smiling on a regular basis, try another choice. ~Steven D. Woodhull

Proud to be a





You've

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2010
Thu, 05-06-2010 - 8:02am

Welcome to MAS grlnxtdoor!

You do technically belong here because it's also for people contemplating an A. I'm glad your fear of discovery is keeping you safe, because it's a true worry for sure. Maybe our stories of pain and angst will also keep you away from an A, because those things are hard to bear. I always advise against starting an A, it truly is not worth it, especially if there is a D-day. But it's good to have you here!

Proud to be a





You've got a lot of choices. If getting out of bed in the morning is a chore and you're not smiling on a regular basis, try another choice. ~Steven D. Woodhull

Proud to be a





You've

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2010
Thu, 05-06-2010 - 8:13am

Welcome to MAS butterfly! (Somehow I think you're the butterfly in your name and not the frog but who knows - correct me if I'm wrong LOL).

You said something very interesting in your post: "I feel the most like myself with him". I feel that way too. I wonder if it's because our APs know MORE about us than anyone else in our lives - for one thing they know about our A, since they're in it! In a way it's unfair to my H that he can't "know" me like my OM can. It's not his fault that I can't "let him in". I think I purposely set up that "wall" between us - for the purpose of having a wall, if that makes any sense.

Anyway, welcome here and I hope to see updated posts from you. :-)

Proud to be a





You've got a lot of choices. If getting out of bed in the morning is a chore and you're not smiling on a regular basis, try another choice. ~Steven D. Woodhull

Proud to be a





You've