Maybe this is the right forum?
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| Fri, 04-16-2010 - 10:36pm |
Hi all
I am married, in an affair, but its no longer the great wonderful thing that it was a year ago. He has ended it twice (he is also married) because of guilt. Neither of us have done anything like this before, and his first wife cheated on him, and his mother left his dad for a man she had been having an affair with for years. So he has bitter, sad feelings about affairs and had strong anti-affair feelings.
But he is with a woman (not married) but they have 2 kids and he is devoted to the kids. I have a great husband (no sex or intimacy though) and i also have kids. Neither of us ever wanted to leave our families (may when kids are older) but certainly not 'for' another person- thats just fraught with issues.
So... he has deliberately backed it off a lot over the last 12 mths. We dont go to the lovely places we used to, no more sweet loving words, no gifts, no risky attempts at contact etc. We are now more fwb with a good friendship underlying it. He still says the occasional sweet thing but he is trying hard to tone it down.
This all sounds ok I guess- but it is just that- ok. Before it was wonderful. I have wanted to end it but havent been able to. I tried the other forum (EAS) but the ladies there suggested I be actually out of the affair before I post there rather than trying to end it.
I dont know what to do- continue and lower my expectations, or end it. He still makes me happy- on the rare occasions we see each other (he calls/texts every day). What are your thoughts?
IGS

Welcome to MAS stronger!
I think this is the right forum, until you are determined to end it for real, and ready to go "no contact". They are big on "no contact" being the only way to end an affair, and will support you every day through that difficult time.
But it seems to me that you just wish your A were more like it was at the beginning, and you are missing the closeness that you used to have?
Have you tried to express this to your AP? Rather than lowering your expectations, maybe you could gently talk about what it is you're missing?
If he tells you it's impossible to get back to that place, then you'll have to decide whether to accept that "it is what it is", or not. But I wouldn't give up unless I at least had that conversation first.
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Thank you Lex
Yes we have had those talks when he broke it off,, and since. He has made it very clear that its not like he doesnt 'want' those things, but he simply cant. His guilt and feelings are making it hard for him, but he cant be without me totally either. He was the one who asked for the 'down graded' version and I agreed because I just cant seem to be without him.
So i agreed, but Im sad that it has to be this way. I agree that this is my choice now- accept or move on. I feel sorta stuck though as Im not happy if i just accept, and i cant seem to move on :).
What I am hoping to learn though- is more about myself. Why do I want to feel pursued and loved, why cant I be happy with my great life as it is, why is having a very lovely fwb simply not enough- what void do I have and how do I fill it for myself!!!
Hopefully MAS will help me keep my affair in the emotional box where it belongs, and free me up to look at the real issues that the affair is raising and deal with them myself. Well thats the plan anyway :)
IGSx
Hi sillyme
Thats great advice actually and something I hadnt really thought of before. Maybe I am too selfish to do that- but its definately wrth thinking about- thank you!!
Thanks mate. I think we do want to spend time together but the guilt thing is so hard.
IGS