Maybe this is the right forum?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2010
Maybe this is the right forum?
6
Fri, 04-16-2010 - 10:36pm

Hi all


I am married, in an affair, but its no longer the great wonderful thing that it was a year ago. He has ended it twice (he is also married) because of guilt. Neither of us have done anything like this before, and his first wife cheated on him, and his mother left his dad for a man she had been having an affair with for years. So he has bitter, sad feelings about affairs and had strong anti-affair feelings.


But he is with a woman (not married) but they have 2 kids and he is devoted to the kids. I have a great husband (no sex or intimacy though) and i also have kids. Neither of us ever wanted to leave our families (may when kids are older) but certainly not 'for' another person- thats just fraught with issues.


So... he has deliberately backed it off a lot over the last 12 mths. We dont go to the lovely places we used to, no more sweet loving words, no gifts, no risky attempts at contact etc. We are now more fwb with a good friendship underlying it. He still says the occasional sweet thing but he is trying hard to tone it down.


This all sounds ok I guess- but it is just that- ok. Before it was wonderful. I have wanted to end it but havent been able to. I tried the other forum (EAS) but the ladies there suggested I be actually out of the affair before I post there rather than trying to end it.


I dont know what to do- continue and lower my expectations, or end it. He still makes me happy- on the rare occasions we see each other (he calls/texts every day). What are your thoughts?


IGS


You are what you consistently do
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2010
Sat, 04-17-2010 - 1:04pm

Welcome to MAS stronger!

I think this is the right forum, until you are determined to end it for real, and ready to go "no contact". They are big on "no contact" being the only way to end an affair, and will support you every day through that difficult time.

But it seems to me that you just wish your A were more like it was at the beginning, and you are missing the closeness that you used to have?

Have you tried to express this to your AP? Rather than lowering your expectations, maybe you could gently talk about what it is you're missing?

If he tells you it's impossible to get back to that place, then you'll have to decide whether to accept that "it is what it is", or not. But I wouldn't give up unless I at least had that conversation first.

Proud to be a





You've

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2010
Sat, 04-17-2010 - 10:25pm

Thank you Lex


Yes we have had those talks when he broke it off,, and since. He has made it very clear that its not like he doesnt 'want' those things, but he simply cant. His guilt and feelings are making it hard for him, but he cant be without me totally either. He was the one who asked for the 'down graded' version and I agreed because I just cant seem to be without him.


So i agreed, but Im sad that it has to be this way. I agree that this is my choice now- accept or move on. I feel sorta stuck though as Im not happy if i just accept, and i cant seem to move on :).


What I am hoping to learn though- is more about myself. Why do I want to feel pursued and loved, why cant I be happy with my great life as it is, why is having a very lovely fwb simply not enough- what void do I have and how do I fill it for myself!!!


Hopefully MAS will help me keep my affair in the emotional box where it belongs, and free me up to look at the real issues that the affair is raising and deal with them myself. Well thats the plan anyway :)


IGSx


You are what you consistently do
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2000
Sun, 04-18-2010 - 12:23am
It sounds to me like your AP doesn't really want to be in affair more than he does, but that he hasn't had the strength to actually end it completely. Maybe when it all started, he thought he was capable of having this relationship with you, but as time has gone on, he's realized that it just isn't who he is. But perhaps it's difficult for him to extricate himself from the situation now that he's in it. I don't know if you've thought about this or not, but perhaps the most caring thing you can do is to end it yourself. What I mean by that is that if you genuinely care for him, then you must care about his wellbeing and feelings, and since you know it's tearing him apart to be carrying on with you, maybe you can be the bigger of the two, the stronger of the two, and end it for his sake. Just a thought.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2010
Sun, 04-18-2010 - 3:39am

Hi sillyme


Thats great advice actually and something I hadnt really thought of before. Maybe I am too selfish to do that- but its definately wrth thinking about- thank you!!


You are what you consistently do
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2000
Sun, 04-18-2010 - 11:27am
Thanks. When I was reading what you wrote it just kind of hit me that maybe the most loving thing to do is to end it. For his sake, because it is making him feel rotten, and for your sake because it is also making you feel bad right now, just maybe for different reasons. Sometimes we get ourselves into situations and then find we don't want to be in them anymore, but don't know how to get out.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2010
Sun, 04-18-2010 - 11:06pm

Thanks mate. I think we do want to spend time together but the guilt thing is so hard.


IGS

You are what you consistently do
You are what you consistently do