For Meow (et.al... long) ... door types

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
For Meow (et.al... long) ... door types
2
Thu, 03-27-2003 - 6:10am
I read your post yesterday about the revolving door and wanted to respond...this morning may be my only chance to get online.

As usual, your analysis is perceptive. I feel like I finally took a step into it but I'm not sure I successfully got OM to join me... he's in another compartment of that revolving door, not the one I'm in. So he could step out at any time. Or as you said, he could bring his cousin in! LOL. I actually think he *may* bring her to lunch on Sunday!

I never liked revolving doors because I get dizzy and sick very easily. And that's part of what made me crazy here. I finally got on the ride because I was tired of just watching it and getting slightly nauseous... I'm a take-charge person (who is learning to let go of control issues! LOL) and I think... how ridiculous. I have plenty of male friends that I lunch with on a regular basis, so in a way, how is this any different? Truthfully, I have no desire to sleep with any of the others! But still... if part of the ride on the revolving door is going to include his cousin, his mother (who hates me) and a lot of timidity on his part, I *will* be getting off fairly soon! I am trying but I really don't have much patience.

And H is trying hard. We are going away Friday night, he actually made hotel reservations. He arranged a 2nd sitter (we need to do a sitter hand-off). And sometimes I forget that I married him because I knew I'd never be bored. He's a do-er. He's a thinker. He keeps me on my toes. He's not a roller coaster -- he's the whole darn amusement park. D***. If only he liked sex more and treated me more as a lover than a pal.

Good grief, I am more loquacious today than usual. I better get off... thanks for listening.

-lily

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 03-27-2003 - 10:05am
Well Lily, my mom always told me not to say something aloud if it was not nice. And I don't like negativity, but I do want to be honest with you and I think you appreciate I don't intend to be brutal - and in fact I think you see this the way I do. OK, after that long lead in...

From personal experience, it is not a good idea to begin a relationship with someone who is "in pocket" with their relatives - not to say they shouldn't have good family relationships and not to say this is your OM's case as I don't know him. I find revolving doors are fine when I am the only one in them as I can control it - I am even fine with revolving doors with someone or someones in the same compartment with me, if they are willing to share control with me - but if there is another person either in the same compartment, or another compartment, who won't share the control or have no reason to be in the revolving door, I begin to feel claustrophobic and loss of control.

I'm glad for you that your H has followed through! Hopefully if you are learning patience and learning to let go of control issues, then hopefully H can want to learn how much more fullfilling (fun!) your sex life could be together. Getting away from other distractions is just the key to nudge open that door, or rather...fling it!! (And remember not to get lost in His amusement park, lol) I hope you enjoy your time away together.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 03-27-2003 - 10:16am
I TOTALLY hear you. And I have thought of that. What I have yet to figure out is just how much intwined with them he is... how much is the cousin just wanting to be involved and therefore kind of pushing her way in, and how much is he just letting her, versus actually wanting her to... make sense? I know he spent several years away from home (overseas, in fact) and managing his own life, so he is certainly CAPABLE... so I wonder if now that he's home he's just enjoying being babied by all these women in his family.

If he's really that intwined, I couldn't take it. One of the things I do appreciate about H is that he is barely on speaking terms w/his family. I am close to mine but we live thousands of miles apart. That means -- to me, anyway -- that our R and all our life's decisions have been based on what WE wanted, not what 'the family' thought we should do. I think that's important.

Thanks for your honesty and no, I don't see it as brutal at all. What we come here for is that open perspective, right?

I might flirt a little on Sunday, but I don't believe I will be throwing myself at him or proposing anything yet. I am now thinking of holding back a bit until I really get to know him better... which is the point of the lunch anyway!

-lily