Midlife crisis support board

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2004
Midlife crisis support board
53
Tue, 02-24-2004 - 11:44am
I notice that most of the people here (one or both partners) are either in their 30s or above ...classic timing for midlife crisis to begin...where you feel life is passing by...the worry that you may end up with the wrong person...the worry that you do not have the right person to grow old with....the worry about the things that you wanted to do in your life and you never did so the affair substitutes in as the replacement for the excitement that those life long dreams might have brought you...and yadda yadda....all the other classic midlife crisis symptoms.

Just a thought! Midlife crisis support board may be a better name for this place :-)

PG

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
Wed, 02-25-2004 - 12:30pm
I have to laugh a bit at that idea. Odds are if a man considered having an affair while his wife was pregnant, he probably "considered" having an affair before that and probably will after that too. The fact is, everyone considers an affair at one time or another. Anyone who says otherwise is lying. Whether that idea is more prominent during pregnancy is really irrelevant I think. That's like asking a man who hasn't eaten in three days if he's thinking about food more than when he was eating regular meals. Of course he is! That doesn't mean he'll dive into whatever meal is put before him. We all still have control of our bodies.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
Wed, 02-25-2004 - 12:34pm

hi everyone.

CL-Gurlfriend50

Co-CL of My Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2004
Wed, 02-25-2004 - 12:46pm
"Whether that idea is more prominent during pregnancy is really irrelevant I think."

That was the actual relevance, before and after scores. Secondly, the survey was not completed at one step after the baby since people could then blank out and just say they always considered cheating or always didn't. The scores were a on scale of strength 1 to 10 and answers more than (I think ) 7 were considered affirmative.

I might have generalized but its not sweeping. These thoughts are based on books I have read and countless stories on this board, betrayed spouses board (actually you get a better idea there since the details about the cheater are not left out) and ending the affair board. Why did I start doing this? Once I discovered I was "in love" with another man besides my husband, I started looking and still am looking for answers. Since I do know that I loved my husband and was "in love" with him for many years. I will not deny it. He hasn't changed. Maybe its me who has changed.

It takes strength to do soul searching than to admit defeat and give up.

PG

PS. Again if you feel that you were never compatible with your wife, you should not even be reading this. This is for people who have had a change of heart (after a few years)once they crossed a certain age.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Wed, 02-25-2004 - 12:55pm
Amen to that, Gurl! Great post, and my thoughts exactly.

Relying too much on statistics and seeing everything from a "black/white", "right/wrong" perspective is a pretty dangerous ground, in my opinion.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
Wed, 02-25-2004 - 1:22pm

yes, boston, that's what i was aiming at.

CL-Gurlfriend50

Co-CL of My Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
Wed, 02-25-2004 - 1:37pm
"Since I do know that I loved my husband and was "in love" with him for many years. I will not deny it. He hasn't changed. Maybe its me who has changed."

You just described what many people probably feel. My situation with my W is very similar to this situation. But you seem to think that because you were in love with him, then you should stay in your marriage regardless of how you feel or what you think now. You could be completely in love with someone and if you aren't compatible in the areas of communication, morality and sexuality, it won't matter one bit. My W is a tremendous person and I admire and care about her. But she and I aren't a good match. And much like you, I think I probably did change over time somewhat also. That is not a fault. We all grow and sometimes unfortunately, people grow in different directions. I believe it is fully possible to be compatible with someone at one time and grow to the point where you no longer are. Perhaps we would be wise to recognize the signs this may happen earlier in our relationships, but that isn't always possible.

"It takes strength to do soul searching than to admit defeat and give up."

Don't kid yourself. It takes strength to do either. I have advised throughout this thread that anyone considering entering or exiting a serious relationship should take time to analyze their thoughts and feelings. I believe counseling is the best way to do this when considering ending a relationship. But at some point, it takes more strength to walk away. How many of us have covered up the problems we knew were there rather than face them and deal with the consequences? I don't consider what I'm doing admitting defeat or giving up. I consider it owning up to the problem and doing what I feel is right.

"PS. Again if you feel that you were never compatible with your wife, you should not even be reading this. This is for people who have had a change of heart (after a few years)once they crossed a certain age."

I now know I was never compatible with my wife. But I didn't always know that. Otherwise, why would I have married her? I don't think this is ever about age. Some people may start to panic at a certain age and act irresponsibly, but that doesn't apply to any of the posts I've read on here.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Wed, 02-25-2004 - 1:53pm
Yep. I only wish someone told me that some 15 years ago when I was up to my ears in a mess of a hellish marriage. Maybe then my life wouldn't end up being so f'd up.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Wed, 02-25-2004 - 2:00pm
I agree w/ you, Gurl. Where does free will and wanting do what we want stand in all this discussion? There are plenty of things we can force ourselves do or better still tell others to do it while personally having fun.

But it that the way you want to live? These people are not going be there when you are dying wondering what you did in your life. The satisfaction comes from what you want to do, not what others want you to do. Throughout the history of mankind people have always scoffed at new ideas - like da vinci was for his thoughts on flying few hundred years ago or Coppernicus saying earth wasn't flat - but that did not stop them from thinking freely and differently. They did what they wanted to the best and were happy doing. That's all that matters, IMHO.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
Wed, 02-25-2004 - 2:01pm
hell, boston, even i didn't know it 15 years ago when my own marriage was ending in a hellious mess too!

CL-Gurlfriend50

Co-CL of My Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
Wed, 02-25-2004 - 2:22pm

hi juliet -- i'm not saying being selfish is always the best course of action in life.

CL-Gurlfriend50

Co-CL of My Affair Support Board