Midlife crisis support board

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2004
Midlife crisis support board
53
Tue, 02-24-2004 - 11:44am
I notice that most of the people here (one or both partners) are either in their 30s or above ...classic timing for midlife crisis to begin...where you feel life is passing by...the worry that you may end up with the wrong person...the worry that you do not have the right person to grow old with....the worry about the things that you wanted to do in your life and you never did so the affair substitutes in as the replacement for the excitement that those life long dreams might have brought you...and yadda yadda....all the other classic midlife crisis symptoms.

Just a thought! Midlife crisis support board may be a better name for this place :-)

PG

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2004
Wed, 02-25-2004 - 3:29pm
Omaha,

I seriously doubt that we travel on the same frequency. I know atleast we are not compatible :)

I did NOT slowly and gradually fall out of love with hubby. Now that is something you could call a growing and evolving personality. Here is what really happened. Hubby had taken a new job, lot of traveling and out of town trips. Goes again for extended time! I am home with kids, searching for a job after taking a time out, looking after young kids, very frustrated with the job search, chat with MM online, discover we have a lot in common, make it a habit and bingo!,within a couple of months I am and he is in way deep than we expected. Now I can just quote the clichéd statement…I was never in love….my needs weren’t met…blah blah and justify my actions. There are married people who could never tolerate each other or were never compatible sexually, morally or otherwise from day 1 but I was. And reading the stories on these boards indicates many other people are in the same situation where appearance of another person just makes them realize that their married lives were NEVER happy. I would be kidding myself if I disregard all the positive experiences with my hubby as a hog wash since they weren’t. In my situation my particular situation (being online doing job searches frustratingly and hubby not there to comfort me, even for a couple of months) made me enter an emotional affair. For many other people the circumstances (loss of a job, death of a parent, financial stress, addition to a family) instead of the compatibility with their mate makes them enter an affair and I would just wish that people have the presence of mind to realize it. And yes it does take courage to totally separate your mind and body from the OM or OW and realize if its stress related circumstances (outside the compatibility) that prompted you to enter the relationship in the first place.

PG

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
Wed, 02-25-2004 - 3:59pm
Oh I agree with what you're saying here. When you frame it in terms of your experiences, it makes sense. But what you did at the beginning of this was take your experiences and feelings and project them on everyone else in this board. That is not only unfair, it's completely inaccurate.

I also agree it takes courage to separate yourself from the other person in order to gain perspective. But it also takes courage to recognize after careful thought and work on your relationship that it isn't ultimately what you're going to want or need. All I'm saying is cutting off contact with the other person won't solve your marital problems unless you never really had any in the first place. I think your theory is that most people are in that situation. I disagree. Some definitely are and some definitely aren't. And there are many in between. As many others on here have said, there is no black and white in human relationships, only different shades of gray.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2004
Wed, 02-25-2004 - 4:55pm
"But what you did at the beginning of this was take your experiences and feelings and project them on everyone else in this board."

I have not used the term "everyone" in any of my postings. Its not me who is being inaccurate.

This is not rocket science that I am quoting. Circumstances and not incompatibilty can cause affairs to happen but once intimacy is established, it can clearly destroy people's perspectives. As some people have said on the end affair board, an affair if it once happens ..it can be an addiction...one that is difficult to get out of one's system. It is very difficult to go back pre-affair mentally and physically once "the deed" has happened. Sexual intimacy for normal people like us (not players) has a lot of power.

I don't even think we are arguing about the same situation. I have in all my postings said that "IFFFFFFFF" before the MM or OW or OM or MW, your marriage was thriving, then forget the "I was never in love with spouse" B/S and give the circumstances surrounding you an analysis.

You feel honestly in your heart that your marriage was dead before the OW and there were no job/kids/financial stresses involved then more power to you...we don't even need to carry this on.

PG

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
Thu, 02-26-2004 - 10:29am
And yet I must comment one more time before moving on.

I know you seem to think we're arguing apples and oranges here. But I disagree. The things you're talking about: job/kids/financial stresses, are all sometimes signs of other deeper problems in the relationship. It rarely is a case where everything is fine, one thing goes bad and then someone jumps in an affair. Usually there are deeper underlying issues that lead people to affairs and they can't be solved by just ending the affair and trying to go back to the way it was.

If you feel that works for you, I'm glad. Obviously you feel your marriage is worth saving. I just think it is a mistake to think that your M was fine before the A. Even those M's that are worth saving usually have issues that need to be discovered and resolved before you can truly resume your R.

Again, I feel no hostility towards you. I think a lot of what you say is very valid and for your situation, it makes complete sense. I just disagree on whether that applies to as many people as you seem to believe. I don't view this as an argument, but as a discussion.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2004
Thu, 02-26-2004 - 3:35pm
"The things you're talking about: job/kids/financial stresses, are all sometimes signs of other deeper problems in the relationship."

So if a person is jobless (and stressing because of it) that joblessness stress is a sign of a person's incompatibility with their spouse. Or if there is not enough money to pay a kids tuition, a car payment and a mortgage payment, that too maybe a sign of a person's incompatibilty with their spouse?

Oh well!! We might be belonging to different planets I think.


PG

PS. Its a common tactic for the cheater to play the victim and shrinkitize a very good (note the word "very good") M to find dozens of issues. I am not saying you are doing it, but have seen instances here and on the betrayed board.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
Fri, 02-27-2004 - 9:43am
I really wish I could just let this go. I really do. But once again I feel compelled to comment on what I feel are errors of ommission in your responses.

You never specifically said being jobless or not having enough money were the particular stresses you were talking about. When I read job stress, my thinking was if a person is in a bad relationship, it can affect their job performance and satisfaction. Especially if that relationship has harmed their self-esteem. And financial stresses aren't always about lack of money. Sometimes it is about control of money and that is often a sign of relationship problems also. And in both of these instances, it absolutely could be a sign of incompatibility with a spouse.

Some people may want to find issues in their marriage. But odds are if that is the case, it is because they are unhappy in some way. This doesn't mean the spouse has done anything wrong. But usually there is already unhappiness before an A. Very rarely do people in "very good" M's venture into A's. They may not be serious problems or even ones that can't be overcome. But as usual, it seems so oversimplifying is taking place here. I don't think we come from different planets. I just think we have different perspectives. I guess one thing I never try to do is judge another's situation because no two people and no two relationships are alike.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2003
Fri, 02-27-2004 - 10:03am
Thanks omaha, for that post. I agree w/you. When I met the OM my marriage wasn't "very good" at all. In fact my H & I had just started talking after a six months of not talking anything other than that concerned my child. We never spoke with each other and slept in separate bedrooms. I was ready to leave even before that - then I backed off as I had a little child whom I had no way of supporting at that time. My parents did welcome back to their home , but I did not take them up on that offer. I had been through so much in that period, when I met him (OM) - it opened the flood gates. My marriage has improved over the last year or so, but my heart is not in it. It was bruised and battered a long time. I can forgive my H for what he put me through, but cannot forget it. That's why the heart remember it all, but in my mind I don't have any grudges towards him or his family. I am very forgiving person at heart and part it is why my marriage has been intact. SO, Philly a lot of us may seem we are giving up a "very good" marriage but it has not been as good as it seems on the outside.


Edited 2/27/2004 10:06:01 AM ET by opal_fire
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2004
Fri, 02-27-2004 - 12:28pm
First of all, I agree no two relationships or people can be alike BUT the "circumstances" that might be forcing the two relationships to enter an affair could have a similar pattern if you just probe a little deeper. I off and on read here how the cheating spouse is so happy when they discover this board and find people like themselves involved in an affair. BUT beyond that I never observe anybody digging beneath the surface and maybe observing anything other than what they think is the obvious reason (incompatibility with the spouse). When I read anybody's story, I always try to take into account their total life history (whatever bits and pieces I can get). A recent example fitting the criteria I am talking about: the lady whose husband is away, who is feeling lonely and has hots for a bartender. Now at this stage, her memory and judgment are still not clouded (she is in that confusion state) so she is still remembering everything good about her husband and how good the marriage. Wait until they (the lady and bartender) have consummated their attraction...her memory about her marriage will take a 180 degree turn ....you would think she had the most horrible relationship that ever existed. Now in this particular case "BEING AWAY FROM EACH OTHER FOR LONG PERIODS OF TIMES" and (not "incompatibility") is the "circumstance" that is making her vulnerable. But people can conveniently ignore the issue.

People are human and can be vulnerable under the wrong circumstances. When I used to chat on yahoo, I would come across soooooooo many married guys whose only bone of contention with the wife would be that they were not getting enough sex, otherwise they were totally in love with their wives. Now, if it’s an issue where the wife refuses to give it….YES …its an incompatibility issue between the two people…but I am telling you it was rarely the case….the reasons were mostly working different hours, one spouse being away, infertility issues……all (in my experience) being issues that were created by circumstances with the compatibility still being there. Chances are that if any of these married guys did find a willing partner, their stories about "they still being in love with their spouse" will change.

The difference between your and my perspective is that I am not even touching the couples who were incompatible to begin with but you are bent upon finding issues (with a microscope) in any marriage and blaming everything on incompatibility even when personal issues can be involved. (see below)

I started this thread by quoting circumstances such as mid life crisis, life situations that make good marriages vulnerable but yesterday I realized that there are women here (and men) who need serious (and I stress serious) psychological help to overcome severe self-esteem, insecurity and related issues before they even consider marriage therapy. Example 1: The woman who is in a relationship with a man 26 years older than her, is having a threesome with him, he wants her to have his child and she still professes to love him. Example 2 (which is around 70% of this board): All these women who do not feel a spark with the hubby (what they say) but are crying and are in pain with all these other married men who hurt them by keeping them dangling and not clearly professing that they love them but these women can still potentially consider them their soulmates and “feel” they are more compatible with these MMs as opposed to their spouse. Come on. Get a grip. It would seem obvious that deep psychological issues with the person alone and not even considering any relationship need to be resolved first before we even touch the issue of compatibility.


PG

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2003
Fri, 02-27-2004 - 12:48pm
Well, I wish you had told me who you were talking about, LOL. I don't know if you were talking about me or somebody else there, hence my post from before. Its beginging to look a lot more clearer now that you have exactly mentioned whom you are talking about here.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2004
Fri, 02-27-2004 - 7:46pm
I actually enjoy this website- you might want to check it out:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com

As for you "theory" on why bad affairs happen to good marriages- I tend to think the above Dr. Harley may be a little closer to what I believe is the true case. Not extenuating circumstances outside of the marriage; but rather circumstances within the marriage which become heightened perhaps by outside circumstances.

"First, there is usually a dissatisfaction with marriage that stems from the failure to meet an important emotional need."

"It's true that in some marriages a spouse will complain about an unmet need, and find their complaint met with anger and recriminations. When there seems to be no hope for satisfaction, these people find themselves particularly vulnerable to an affair. After all, the spouse had a chance to meet the need, but refused. So why not have an affair?"

I agree that it is imperative for individuals in a marriage to closely inspect why they are having feelings for someone other than their spouse, and I'm certainly in agreement on deep introspection. But not everyone is quite so insightful nor in touch with their feelings and I'd wager to bet the majority of individuals are not highly analytical about their own emotions better yet those of the individuals around them. It's just not realistic. I do believe that the board CL's however have been quite consistent in giving sound advice on the rollercoaster of an affair both emotionally and physically. Perhaps the postings that you have identified do seem somewhat immature in their emotional examination- but I can't help but feel these are usually people who feel they are in a crisis situation and have come here for help. We have only the quick words typed by someone probably distraught. And I'd even wager that their marriages aren't as peachy keen as they purport in the beginning- in the beginning there is guilt over why we would be feeling this way at all, guilt over what we deem selfsih needs, etc. We try to see the best in our spouse and relationship- and then this other person begins to fulfill our emotional need that was lacking and we realize we were in denial about our relationship. We realize that maybe we shouldn't have to live without being fulfilled after all. Just another equally feasible theory...