This might not even be an affair but ..

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anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
This might not even be an affair but ..
8
Thu, 07-22-2010 - 3:59am

.. I need advice.


I honestly don’t even know how to begin this – except to say that I am extremely confused and need advice.


I am a single college student who has been involved with a MM for about 5 months. As all things in life, our ‘involvement’ has evolved ..

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2010
Thu, 07-22-2010 - 7:11am

I think almost anyone here would tell you to RUN, not walk away!

You say this: "and I think that making this more of sex thing would definitely get me more time with him."

If you read the stories around here, you will see that that is NOT the case the majority of the time. As a matter of fact, there are many times that it works just the opposite. (Not always, to be fair, but it's a pretty common pattern). And having sex usually gets the woman a lot more emotionally attached. Picture yourself, in a sexual relationship (your first, it would seem), feeling hopelessly in love with a man who is paying LESS attention to you and who will never leave his wife. How many years would you invest in such a dead end relationship without it chipping away at your self esteem?

If you're someone who can thrive in a "part time" relationship, never being introduced to the man you love's friends or family, always being alone on holidays, never being able to bring the man you love to meet your friends or family, maybe even never being able to talk about him so that your friends and family wonder just what IS going on in your personal life - if you have feelings strong enough to be happy for years with those restrictions, then go ahead and see what happens.

But I hope you see that you could do SO much better for yourself sweetie. I'm sure there's a single guy somewhere that you could feel comfortable with and get to like - to start anyway. Think through all the possibilities of how a relationship with this married man would pan out, and read the stories around here.

Wishing you luck sweetie. ♥

Proud to be a





You've got a lot of choices. If getting out of bed in the morning is a chore and you're not smiling on a regular basis, try another choice. ~Steven D. Woodhull

Proud to be a





You've

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2007
Thu, 07-22-2010 - 7:21am

Which married guy wouldnt want an 18 year younger girl by his side? You are in college and he has 3 kids plus a wife at home.Your life has just started and his is on a downhill.
I wont/cant tell you what to do but do read the extract from a single guys recent post

" I always thought it would be cool to be with a married woman (hot sex, not too much committment),"

If a single guy can think like this ,what would one say about a MM??

http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlmyaffair&msg=57886.6&x=y

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2010
Thu, 07-22-2010 - 11:34am
100% agree with 'heissick'.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2009
Thu, 07-22-2010 - 12:51pm

Hi better,

Married man here, in his 40s, in an affair with another married woman.. just for your information.

I agree 100% with Lexi, RUN, do not walk, away, now, before this gets any further.

Where you are now is not unique to you. Books have been written, movies made, about a student and a prof (etc), not saying that "your" person is a prof, just for an example. So, this apparently happens quite often. Not to forget the HS female teachers in relations with their male students and so on, that was in the news for a while.

At this time, as events have progressed, for both of you, you've only seen the fun, exciting, mysterious, compelling side of an exciting relationship. I think your female intution that he's being a bit more than truthful with his compliments to you to get things further with you is right on. I would if I were him. It's a dream come true for a married man,if I may be so honest with you, to meet a young woman, inexperienced, and have a chance to show her the ropes, and be her first. He'll do a lot to make that happen, but not to rush it, kind of take it slowly and get you to a place where you feel more comfortable with the idea and desire him more.

The point is not whether you would want to be intimate with him. The point, as Lexi said, is what would happen afterward. For him, a very nice adventure. For you, very likely heart break and a lot of pain. He may stay with you for a little while longer, but that's about it. The thrill by then will be gone, and he will gently let you go on your way, if you are lucky. Things may end more abruptly than that as well, by just him saying "wife is suspicious, I can't see you anymore".

So, here you are, by then, much more emotionally attached, and left on the side of the road just like that. And for what? To be a little adventure for him? I'd think you are MUCH better than that.

Take Lexi's advice. Stop all contact with him. Find an excuse, any excuse, to make that happen. Tell him you started seeing someone else. He may not want to let you go. But you must end this before you get hurt, a lot.

On an aside, I am quite disappointed at him. Yes, we are all in affairs in this mail list, but still, I doubt we would choose a path as he has. He is older and wiser, and for your sake, he should have known better than to let things to get to this point. That already tells me tons about his motivations.

Good luck, and do keep us posted, let us know what you think, how things are going.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2010
Thu, 07-22-2010 - 3:31pm
RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN!!!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2009
Thu, 07-22-2010 - 4:32pm

Hi - just wanted to chime in since I can relate to where you're coming from.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2010
Thu, 07-22-2010 - 4:33pm

Well, apparently, once again, I am the devil on the other shoulder.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2009
Thu, 07-22-2010 - 5:27pm

Jane, you are making very good points, quite the same ones I made when I started my A.

I don't want to speak for others, but, for me, if she, after reading the posts and knowing what may lay ahead for her, still chooses to pursue this, fair enough. I don't think I'm saying to her "don't do this because I would like you to lead a boring life". She asked for input because I think she also feels something doesn't feel right. If the two of them are on equal playing levels, no worries. I don't think they are, I think she has an inkling about this, and I think that's what's not fair. If he came out and said, this is what it is and this is what you mean to me and I want to sleep with you, and she chooses to, again, no problem.

I would think the main goal of all the "negative" posts is to even out the "playing" field a bit, have her see the situation from different angles, and at the end, still make her own call.