missing ex husband

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-25-2009
missing ex husband
3
Mon, 08-03-2009 - 10:12am
I am still missing my ex husband, we live in different states. We talk all the time about the kids, he calls and visits too sometimes. There has been absolutely no romance in 10 years, but we are so close. He does care for me, I know, he prefers to spend the holidays near us. He remarried a couple years ago to a woman in a chat room and another state. I don't know how his marriage is, I never asked him but my kids say it's the biggest mismatch they have ever seen, they have nothing in common and she is very controlling and leads a very unhealthy lifestyle, and is morbidly obese. Through the years he has helped me with things, and even buys me presents. We have never talked about the real reasons we divorced, it was very painful, but I left him, when we should have worked on it. I am older now and I've still loved him for years, but kept my mouth shut. How long can I suffer like this? I have tried to move on and date others, but it just hasn't worked out. I want to tell him I still care for him, and I know he is married, but I am not sure how happy they are, my sons say they aren't happy, they are older and stay there sometimes. When we were married and things were going downhill, he used to sneak in chat rooms. She was the chat room queen, she chatted so much and she completely ignored her child. Now he lives on the computer and plays video games. My son's said she used to call him 5 times a day, he was lonely too all these years so he finally married her. She told my son they were getting married on the phone, when he didn't even know her. How can I tell him that I miss him and I wish things were different? I know I will hear this isn't right, he's married but I love him and I wish we could have our family back. Has anyone ever gotten their ex back, I feel like he is my soulmate and I feel deep down he loves me too. I'd like to know what a man thinks too.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2009
Mon, 08-03-2009 - 6:01pm

Did you have an A and is that part of the reason why you got D'd? The reason why I'm asking is because if we don't take responsibility for our role in the destruction of our M, then where blaming others. This is why we tell people to work things out with your spouse before resorting to drastic measures of getting a D.

If you were a BS then you're better off posting in the "Betrayed Spouse Support Board" to get better perspectives.

Now to your situation. It looks like a classic case of: "You don't know what you have until it's gone". He's now M to someone else. You need to let him be. It doesn't matter how "so not compatible" they may be. If he's not expressing grief to you about it, you need to assume he is happy. What your kids are telling you are just "hearsay" and they may just be motivated to tell you what you want to hear to spare your feelings. I would say, move on with your life. The past is gone. If it's meant to be that you both belong with each other, fate will see to it and it should be without any interference from you.

I wish you well.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-25-2009
Tue, 08-04-2009 - 6:58pm
Thanks for your words, my ex tried to cheat a few times and with someone I knew, but denied it. I didn't get much attention for many years and I had an A. That was not the answer but at the time, having someone pay attention to me, seemed to ease my pain of my dying marriage. For years, I blocked the whole mess out of my mind. It's just been so hard with all his calls, text messages, etc. It is over one of our older children going through some depression and he gets in trouble a lot. We support each other and inform each other things. He has bought me things too through the years, which always made me feel like maybe he did care somewhere under his skin. I have to lay some boundaries now. He says I am his best friend and we can talk about our problems (our daughter) but I just told him the truth. I said it's really getting to me, I used to be your ex wife and I talk to you now more than I did when we were married and it's not fair to me, I get mixed up inside. I told him I still cared for him and missed him a lot and that I was sorry for the past. I always wanted to talk about it, but he didn't. It was a sad day today, I told him to only email me from now on if he wants to communicate and I asked him to please pull back. He was disappointed and kept saying lets be friends, and we can be friends but not to the point of talking 3-4 times a week, and spending holidays with each other. I kind of opened the door and he did not walk through it. His best friend should be his wife, not me. I asked him if he was happy with her, he said all he cares about is his kids, and romance is out for him at his age. So here I am, feeling blue but needing to get on with my life. I tried so hard to explain that all this communication is making me care for him again. He didn't say anything back, he just pleaded with me to keep our friendship going for the sake of the kids. It's just hard, wish I had met someone like he did.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2009
Tue, 08-04-2009 - 7:32pm

He (your xH) doesn't know what he has too until it's gone. You gave him a chance but he didn't go for it. That means he likes things the way they are. It's not what you want, therefore, you need to pull out. He can't have it good in both worlds or else it's not fair for you.

I totally understand the not getting any attention..... I was M to a gambling addict. The minute I gave up on us and the M, he totally made a 180, but it was too little too late for me.

Time alone to really find yourself is a good thing. Fill that missing voids in your life by yourself and do stuff you enjoy. Men should just be a supplement to an already self sufficient, independent, confident happy life.

And you're right. He's W should be his "best-friend".

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