Mixed Messages From My Other Man

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2003
Mixed Messages From My Other Man
7
Fri, 09-12-2003 - 2:14pm
I am new here and just found this message board! I am so happy to see that there is a site for this. Anyways, I have been with my boyfriend for almost three years now. But I a few months ago, I started a second job to make some extra money. Everything was fine up until about a month ago when a bunch of co-workers all went out after work at night. I had gotten along really well with one co-worker in particular and felt attracted to him, but never in a million years thought anything would happen otherwise. We went to the bars and we started drinking and then ended up making out at his house later that night.

I figured it was just a one time thing but it wasn't. The couple days after that we ended up making out again when I and some other co-workers went out again. We never exchanged phone numbers, after all he knows I have boyfriend and has actually met him once. But I had some co-workers over to my house, and we exchanged phone numbers so that I could call him when I got home since he left work early. That night we ended up sleeping together! It was absolutely wonderful. Couple days after that I went over to his house again and we just talked and hung out, just gave each other a good night kiss. Then the next night went over there again and we slept together.

He then left for Germany for two weeks and got back last weekend. I had called him the night before he got back and told him to give me a call. He did, and then said he call me back he was playing poker with some friends and he might be finished soon. He never called but then called on 2 days later with some story that he left his phone at his friends house and didn't get it until then. He invited me over, so I came over and we cuddled and talked and made out (on period so couldn't have sex). I saw him at work 2 days later and told him to give me a call if he wanted to hang out. He did, but he was tired so he told me to call him yesterday after I left college. I did and figured that we would see each other. We talked for a bit and then I got off the phone and said call me later if you want to hang out, and he said he would but didn't.

So that leads me to now. He is unattached. His girlfriend and him broke up a little bit ago because she moved to a different city. I think we have a connection, it just hasn't been all physical, everytime we see each other we stay up talking and cuddling, really getting to know each other. I just feel like he is sending mixed messages and I don't know what to do.

I have to see him tonight at work, and I don't know how to act. I feel myself getting emotionally attached, but I don't know how he feels. Should I just get over it, and be neutral, cordial yet impersonal. What should I do? ANy input would be awesome! Thank you so Much!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 09-12-2003 - 2:26pm
Well you do understand that he isnt gonna stick himself out there all the way when you're still attached dont you? He isnt gonna make himself anymore vulnerable to you than he already has...the boy has shown you what he has to offer to you but he's not going to suddenly be your full time thing when you still have responsibilities elsewhere. One thing that takes a HUGE amount of adjusting in an affair is to not try to treat it like you would a full-time relationship and not to place the expectations you should have in your fulltime relationship. Its human nature to place those kind of expectations but you'll quickly learn that it just doesnt work that way!

Welcome to the board! Can I mix ya somethin' up from the bar? LOL

Liberal

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2003
Fri, 09-12-2003 - 2:32pm
Yes, you are completely right. I have never does this type of thing before and I can't very well have expectations of him when I am the one that is attached. It just hurt my feelings and was kinda a stab to my ego, I guess.

So should I just act normally how I would any other day? And realize that I can't have expectations of him. I want it to continue but I am not sure if he does. Should I have talk with him about that?

I will take a Vodka and Cranberry Please :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
Fri, 09-12-2003 - 2:43pm
The big issue here is your boyfriend. Are you still in love with him? Are you living together or otherwise attached in a way that would make it hard to get out? If not, why not end it? You do run the risk of leaving him and this guy not wanting to have a commitment or whatever and being alone, but if you're this involved with someone else, my guess is you need out of that other relationship regardless. You certainly don't need to marry this boyfriend of yours and end up having affairs. So even if this new guy doesn't want to be with you, you don't need to be with your boyfriend if your feelings weren't strong enough to keep you from straying. That's just my opinion -- but most of us are in marriages and some with children and to get out involves lawyers and written legal documents and child support and hurting everyone we love. Getting out of your relationship basically involves hurting him, which is hard, but it's sure a whole lot easier to get out now than to have him discover you're having an affair. That would be something he might never recover from. It could lead him to distrust women for the rest of his life... Just something to ponder.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2003
Fri, 09-12-2003 - 2:49pm
That is just it. I am still in love with boyfriend. He is wonderful! Its just within the last year I haven't been sexually attracted to him. And so I think well I know I have somehow subconsciously gone looking for it in other places. I think it could be fixed with some mending. But now I am having feelings for OM. Is it possible to care about two men at the same time? That for some reason just seems so wrong!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
Fri, 09-12-2003 - 3:32pm
If you aren't sexually attracted to him, what do you have? A companionship? Friendship? What? Could you maybe take the weekend and try to get the passion back for your boyfriend...see if it's still there? I just don't see a future with someone you aren't even sexually attracted to. If you aren't sexually attracted now, God forbid you marry him. It's not going to get any better once that ring is on your finger, believe me. I think we all have been guilty of either taking someone for granted or being taken for granted in our relationships, but you have to ask yourself...is it your relationship with your b/f that's flawed, or is it just that you've gotten bored? Any new relationship is fun and exciting, but inevitably the newness will wear off and then what do you have? If you can't find it with b/f, you probably won't find it with OM. It's going to wear off with him too...unless something is just fundamentally flawed with your sexual relationship with b/f. All of these are questions you must answer by looking within yourself. We can't answer them for you... I just know that if you don't solve this now, you may end up back on this board a few years down the line, married to either b/f or OM and starting up an EMA with someone new...
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2003
Fri, 09-12-2003 - 3:43pm
My b/f and I don't get to see each other a lot. We both have busy busy schedules and I think that is also affecting it. We are trying to find time for a romantic getaway sometime soon....its hard for me to get off work on the weekends. But I figure that I need to at least try to rekindle some of the romance back into our lives....and this fails then we might just have to move on. Its hard with OM because we work together. If it all goes sour, it will be really awkard having to see at least two times a week at work.

I have thought about just calling it off with OM and stopping. But I feel like I have my heart in two places now....

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
Fri, 09-12-2003 - 4:26pm
Maybe this is a transition period for you...maybe you are transitioning to the new guy and you just have to ride this out. But you don't have to take an entire weekend to spend time with your b/f. Just schedule one night...a candlelit dinner, an evening in bed. Surely there's at least one night you're both home.

And yes, differing schedules can affect things. That's why famous actors have such a hard time maintaining marriages. You bond with the people you see every day and if you're apart all the time, eventually you are going to go in separate directions mentally. But you have to make time, no matter how busy your schedules. If the one romantic evening works out, why not schedule a date night? If not, it might be best to tell him you'd like to try seeing other people for a while. That's always the way to let them down gently without breaking it off 100%. Of course, that'll work both ways and you'll have to deal with the possibility of him seeing other women, but maybe that's the kick your relationship needs.