mixed up needing advise
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| Thu, 01-29-2004 - 9:57pm |
Over the last year we have had some rocky moments, mainly because his wife is fighting everything. And she is a bit on the crazy side. In the past, he was often distant and even withdrawn at times. I would ask him about it and he was starting to open up. Just when I thought we were building a strong relationship, I had a bomb dropped on me. In early December I found out (not from him) that she had a baby. To back up a bit, when we first left our spouses she found out she was pregnant but it was a tubule pregnancy so she wasn’t going to be able to have it. Or at least, that is what I was led to believe. When I first found out (in February) that she was expecting I told him I wasn’t going to be part of that and I was leaving him. And he fought hard to keep me. So I don’t know if the tubule was true and she found out otherwise later (like he said) or if it was his way of keeping me. I don't think he would lie about that, he isn't a monster. She hasn’t lived under the same roof as him since March. So I'm sure their marriage over and he isn't stringing me along.
Needless to say, I’m very hurt and angry about the whole situation. I feel betrayed and used. I feel like I was made a fool. But I love him very much. We went to couples counseling and that has helped, but funds are too low right now to continue. I’m so confused about my feelings and emotions. My heart is so in love with this man, but my mind just can’t understand why. So I just don’t know how to move past the hurt and anger. I believe that he isn’t lying to me, but I still don’t trust him. I know he loves me, but I still feel hurt by him.
The saddest part of this entire thing is I’ve seen what a good person he can be. How caring and loving he is. I’m sure that we could have a positive future together. But I am hust having trouble finding the strength to move past this. I keep thinking of all the little things from last year that now make sense. And it just brings more pain. How do I move on from here? Do I continue to try to move on with him or am I just in for more heart break? Or am I just expecting to much too fast? Any advice is welcome. I’m sorry that this is so long but it is the condensed version, I swear.
Thanks,
iaam1225

I don't mean to sound hard But the child was born almost months ago, they have not been together in almost a year, the M is over, the child will keep them bound to each other to some degree for sure but so what.
>>"I keep thinking of all the little things from last year that now make sense. "<<
I guess it could all depend on the little things your talking about, such as if he has a pattern of lieing to you.....you can't build a future on lies , but he could have told the truth about the tubule pregnancy or she may have lied to him.
He was most likely scared to tell you about the baby.
If your Intuition is going off maybe you need to look closer at the relationship.
Free
Thank you for your input. I really appreciate it and didn't take it as harsh at all. I'm sure the reason he didn't tell me is because he was afraid I would leave. After all that was my original move. I do think that at first it was all true. I do think that they were told it was a tubule but found out differently after she went to the hospital. So I've tried to put myself in his shoes...would I have been able to tell me otherwise? That is a question I can't answer. BTW they have other kids together so I knew going into this that they would be tied to each other for a very long time.
Our entire relationship started out with a lie. We both cheated on our spouse. So really how do you build from there? When I think about all the stuff from the past year and most of it is things that can be explained away. Like, he was very distant and gaurded. I'm sure that most of that was because he had this heavy secret he was keeping from me. What a burdon to carry and at the same time try to build a relationship.
So I am following my intuition. I had a long talk with him today and told him EXACTLY what I want in this R and if he can't give me those things then I told him I was done. I deserve better and will have better! I made him give me specific examples of how he can make this R better from his side. I told him with no uncertainty that I'm not fooling around. If he can't be the man/bf that I want then he needs to say good bye. Well, it hasn't been 24 hrs yet but I'm going to stay optimistic that he won't let me down again. And if he does...that's it there are other fishies in the sea.
iaam