MM asked W for D

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2003
MM asked W for D
6
Tue, 09-02-2003 - 2:56pm
MM asked W for D a few weeks ago. W said NO she wanted a seperation instead or try to work things out he said a D. I suggested maybe a seperation would be good at first so he realized if he really does not love her and can be without her. He said NO a divorce. He said I know what I want and what I dont want. Well its been a few weeks I know I have asked him whats up like everyday regarding this matter and I feel like I am a pressure boot up his butt. I finally called him yesterday morning and she was there with him and I knew he could not talk and I told him I just wanted to say a few things and I wanted to call it quits I could not handle this. The only thing he could say was NO NO NO...I said I know you cant talk but this is the way it needs to be. That night he called me and told me he had an awfull day thanks to me ... and he was giving me time to think. I thought about what I did and it was not good...but im just so confused.

I said what do you want me to be ... here until you finally decide and leave. He was like yes...I said how much time are we talking about a few months - 6months - a year. he said no more then six months...I said why?? Why cant you just get up and go...he said it was not easy and her thoughts. Apperantly she is going through her postpardum period they had a baby in May...and she is now having suicidle thoughts. Now I honestly dont know and would not want anything to happen to her and dont want to be a pressure boot up his butt. I think its just her excuse and way of keeping him there.

I dont know what to do...I have decided just to let him come to me and take things slow and let things cool down...but I dont know if I am doing the right thing. I really do love him and hate the fact he asked her for a D and he is still there. Is that wrong of me to think that way???

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2003
In reply to: txsandy
Tue, 09-02-2003 - 3:28pm
Sandy, I think you are doing the best thing. I have been following your posts and it sounds like your MM is afraid to step out of his comfort zone. As long as you *accept* his terms of waiting 6 months or a year or whatever, he will never make a decision. Unfortunately, you have to make the first choice, and it sounds like you already have. Hardest part now is to stick by that decision and stand firm in your beliefs.

If W is a bad as you say, he needs to get her professional help. But first he needs to step forward and take responsibility for the baby. Baby should not be left alone in her care. We all remember the story about the depressed wife who killed all five of her kids. If that means he needs to leave and file for full custody, then so be it. But the welfare of the child should be first.

You can still be supportive, but he has to handle that before he can handle anything else.

Be strong, and remember we are here for you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2003
In reply to: txsandy
Tue, 09-02-2003 - 3:37pm
Thank you lilnow...

Its hard really hard...i mean is it just an excuse??? you wonder...he is not the type of guy to sugar coat things and has been pretty much honest.

Its just hard I mean how long am I suppose to wait??

One thing I do know they were going to buy a house in November but now they are just goint to rent/lease one for now. There apartment lease is up...im thinking OK good time to get up and go. Talk to her mom for help...but this is me just thinking I have not told him this and I really would like to but I have been putting pressure on him without me wanting to do that. I mean he said its not going to happen overnight and I understand that and I really did not expect him to ask her for a D so soon. We had talked about the future and he was going to wait till I got out of school a year in a half left and he said by then his crap would be together...but this just happened and sooner then I thought. Now I just want it to come and get over with.

But this woman pretty much knows about me she thinks we are friends and very naive or blind becuase its obvious we are more then that but she remains there. Why would a woman stay there??

MM is good with his daughter one thats theirs and his oldes who is 14 thats not hers. He is a great father he has full custody of the oldest. Now with the newborn he told her that he would take care of her if should could not handle her. She just keeps saying its not fair for the baby to do this to her...and he tells her I plan to be part of her life and we can be friends as well. They were bestfriends before getting married.

I just dont know...I mean like I told him part of me wants to leave and the other part is stay there a few months see what happens. He told me he wants me to stay and im like yea have ur cake and eat it too...he was like sandy im working on being single.

I dont know is it just lies???? how do i know???

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2003
In reply to: txsandy
Tue, 09-02-2003 - 4:45pm
He might very well want you to stay. From the outside looking in though, it appears that the 3 of you are sitting around waiting on someone else to make a move. Obviously MM is not going to. Would you? He has a W and a mistress that both know about each other. According to man's rules (I know that sounds sexist), there is nothing better than that.

If you want him to get a D so the 2 of you can be together, then you have to back away, let him get his s#&% together, then start over. I know, easier said than done, but you have to be strong and HOLD YOUR GROUND!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2003
In reply to: txsandy
Tue, 09-02-2003 - 4:57pm
Thank you for your replies lilnow...

I dont know what my ground is though...I mean should I call it quits when he rents/leases a house (nov)...wait until we have a year together (mar)...wait till the end of the this year its 3months away... or just be nonchalant...and continue on with my life and see him when I can an enjoy what we have yet be strong and try not to get emotional which is hard. I mean part of me wants to give him the boot and he knows this he told me im fast at giving the boot!! but the other part wants to wait a few months nor more then the year we been together which would be march. Am I just making excuses for myself?? I mean I dont know...I do know he just got a paycheck a steady income coming in this past friday was his first. Im plannin on demanding to see him this weekend friday and saturday night. I was suppose to last weekend but he got sick on me!! I know they dont have the little one this Friday so I figured she would make plans for H...but I think if I tell him that I want to see him this Friday...hell he would have to pick. Im 99% sure he will see me...I have put him on the spot before and he has come through. Mainly I do this to see how much he really cares and is willing to sacrifice. I mean if he does not love her why be all the time with her. I understand the baby...but her ahhh NO.

Am I wrong??

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2003
In reply to: txsandy
Wed, 09-03-2003 - 8:40am
No I do not think you are wrong for feeling the way you do. There is some sort of evil satisfaction knowing that even though MM has to be with W, he wants to be with you. And it is a feeling of pride knowing that at any moments notice you can easily pull MM away from her. Its like if you could see her you would stick out your tongue and say nah na nana na nah right in her face. I have had times like that. Not saying I feel that vengeful (sp?) often, but at times it makes me smile.

One time in particular when I felt like this was about a year ago, MM and I had not yet had IC, but we had been talking on the phone for months. We hadn't seen each other in 5 years and we were at a college function, so there were lots of people around. She spotted me in the crowd and I felt a competitiveness between us. A little background info: MM and I met in college before either one of us were married and had an off again, on again type of relationship. I guess he hooked up with her shortly before we graduated college when I wasn't speaking to him. ANYWAY, at this school function, she saw me and I stared right back at her. I could tell that she was thinking she had won because she married him, but I knew that after that event was over, he was taking her home and was spending the night with me. Now, I can't say that I am particularly proud of that moment, but that satisfaction felt GREAT!

What's the point? I dunno. I guess what I'm trying to say is that the way you feel is the way you feel. There is no right or wrong here. Just whatever you need to do to make it through the day. Only you know how long you can put up with him and her and your whole situation. Honestly, if you feel he is worth waiting for, then wait for him. There is no time limit. You can't say I'll wait 3 months then get rid of him, because on day 90 you may feel like giving him another week or so. BUT on the flip side, you might say 3 months, but after day 15 you might wake up that morning and decide that you have had enough.



What ever you decide, you have to stick with it. We'll be here for you through it all.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2003
In reply to: txsandy
Wed, 09-03-2003 - 11:48am
Thanks Lilnow...you made me laugh!! Your right its prolly that...satisfaction. Your story was too funny. Where she spotted you and smirked but at the end of the night you were the one with him! I mean sometimes I think is it wrong to be like that you know the saying im sure what goes around comes around. But that is funny and at the end if he prefers you and drops her off that must mean something right??

I mean I know this friday night MM's W is dropping the little one at her moms becuase she has to work saturday morning and MM has a class to attend. So I know she is going to want to do something with him Friday night...she has been begging him to take her out and he has told her NO. He did not want to and basically was there for the little one and her thoughts. He just told me this a few days ago and sneaky evil me was thinking of asking him thursday night to get together friday night to do something. I dont know I know its evil but I want him with me...and im sure he is with me every friday night most of the time...but I really want him this Friday night!!!

I know thats wrong of me...but I figured if I ask him to be with me and he says sure which im pretty sure...watch this back fire on me!! If he says no then I can see him trying to work things out with her. I guess that will be a slap in the face to reality where I stand. I dont even know if im making sense...