MM is driving me crazy today...

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
MM is driving me crazy today...
19
Wed, 12-17-2003 - 1:43pm
I SURE wish I could get better at handling MM's busy days. He can't seem to make a second for me today. I FINALLY got him on the phone for a few seconds, then he had to hang up because a co-worker was standing outside his office. Well, the co-worker is HERE, just walked by, and now MM is gone again. I probably won't get him 'til after lunch. How RUDE. And in the few seconds I DID talk to him, I told him I called him this morning from home, naked and alone. THAT apparently couldn't hold his attention enough to call me back... A history first: about two months ago, MM left late for work and he called me and we had one-sided phone sex. That freaked him out, so we went back to just flirting friends for a while. Then things started intensifying a couple of weeks ago, and yesterday we had discussion where we clarified, for the first time, that we're not working on a major relationship here...just sex. That I don't expect him to leave his W for me, in other words. So yesterday, he called and asked if I'd meet him in a certain room in this building and gratify him (we've never been physical outside of a couple of kisses). This was part of a bigger conversation where we just kept pushing the envelope... We were basically playing this game of chicken and he lost. I figured he'd chicken out, and sure enough, he did. I was REALLY relieved, but I'm just so tired of running in circles with him. I'm ready to either move forward or move on, if you know what I mean. Anyway, this morning I didn't have to be at work until late, so I called him, planning to return the favor with the phone sex thing. My heart was REALLY racing as I dialed the phone. I wasn't sure I could go through with it, and when he didn't answer, I was almost relieved. So I got to work, fully prepared to tell him all he missed, and we've just been missing each other all morning. Thing is -- tomorrow I'm going to be alone for a while in my office. I have a door I could shut and there's really no danger of anyone walking in because all my people are going to be out. Do you think I should go for it? I just don't know if I could do that at work. One other time he tried to get me to do it on the phone when no one was around, but someone walked into his office. I can't seem to isolate him even for five minutes without someone interrupting. Either his other line rings or someone walks in... He won't call on his cell phone because he's sure W will find out. I'm thinking I might ask him if he can find a phone where he WON'T be interrupted. You'd think if all he had to do was listen, it wouldn't be a big deal, but I'm sure I couldn't really enjoy it either if someone were standing in my office!

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2003
Wed, 12-17-2003 - 2:22pm
Okay Lilah..should I tell you what everyone is telling me...sit back and enjoy these early days of the A.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
Wed, 12-17-2003 - 3:00pm
It's not really the early days. We've been at this for seven months now...almost eight. He's put me through it, and I just don't know what to do anymore. We get really close, then he backs off and each time he backs off it just hurts more and more. I think I deserve better. I just wrote this letter. What do you think? I don't know if I'll get the nerve to send it, but it sure made me feel better...

I deserve so much more, and I think you know that. I deserve someone who respects me enough to call every now and then and let me know what’s going on. Who RETURNS A CALL when he says he’s going to. I’ve tried to be up-front and honest with you and all I want is for you to return the favor. I know you’re busy, but you know what? I’m busy too. I have a life outside of you and if you tell me you’re going to call back I really do expect you to do so, even if it’s just for a second. We get close, then you pull back and get suddenly, conveniently “busy” again. That’s fine if that’s the way you want to operate, but even you have to admit it’s not fair to me. I am a beautiful, intelligent woman who could likely have her pick of men, yet day after day I allow you to pull me along, then push me away like I’m some sort of toy. I pass men on the street who are looking at me like I’m the most beautiful woman in the world, and I wonder what they would think if they knew inside my heart was breaking. I just don’t know how to play the game anymore and I’m too tired to try. If I want you, I want you, and no amount of lying about it is going to change it. I don’t want to do anything about it today. I don’t want to meet you or kiss you or make love to you or anything like that. I want to flirt and talk and have fun… Yet you take it all SO SERIOUSLY. What do I have to say to let you know I’m not going to pressure you into anything? How can I make this easier on ME, because that’s all I want right now. I just want you to stop dragging my heart around.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Wed, 12-17-2003 - 3:21pm
Lilah... if I may... It's very obvious that you are more emotionally involved in this than you dare to admit. If he is in it for sex only it's going to be on his terms - when he has time, when he is in a mood, and no letters no matter how well they are written can change that. When we are after sex only what you see is all you are going to get. Don't go for it if you are not sure that you can handle a stictly sexual relationship. Trust me, it's very hard to long for more than you are getting.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2003
Wed, 12-17-2003 - 3:23pm
lilah

I’ve been reading your posts since you’ve “returned” and I hope what advice I have to give will not be of any offense to you...

He’s dragging your heart around because you are allowing him. Stop obsessing over every little detail and look at the big picture, because it's quite simple -- if he really wants you, you will know without question. All of the other little things really don’t matter. You won’t have to worry whether he is going to pull back if you just relax and let him chase you, and if he doesn’t, I don’t think this will be any real loss for you. -- I remember your past descriptions of him, including that he has cheated before and the gossip that he may have even be abusive towards his wife –- am I remembering correctly? With all of this…combined with the one-sided phone sex (which doesn’t make him sound like a hell of a classy guy -- OR someone who is attuned to your wants and desires)…why are you even bothering?

I’m sorry, I don’t mean to be harsh, but this guy sounds like a genuine slime that will only use you and leave you feeling sordid.

Just think about it.

Charlotte




Edited 12/17/2003 3:35:52 PM ET by charlotte1203

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Wed, 12-17-2003 - 3:41pm
Charlotte is right - if you want something bad enough you will do anything to get, not play cat and mouse games like your MM. If he wanted anything out of all of it - he would have made a move by now. Since he is not - it looks like he doesn't want you enough. As simple as that - I hope you get it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
Wed, 12-17-2003 - 4:25pm
I'm not going to defend MM but please don't start this again. I've left this list twice now because I couldn't get the support I needed because people were telling me "just dump him. He's a slime." I can't dump him. I tried, believe me. I love him, good or bad, and I NEED this in my life for whatever twisted reason. I didn't tell him I wanted a strictly sexual relationship -- I told him that, for now, neither one of us are ready to leave our situations and be together so all it can be is sexual. It's not that I'm denying that I'm in love with him. Quite the contrary. I just don't see myself as spending the rest of my life with him. I am happier when I have both MM and H in my life and I think I can balance both. I think I'd be happy balancing both, but maybe I'm lying to myself.

And no, I'm not sending the letter. It just made me feel better to write it. It's now exactly eight minutes 'til time to go home and I'm not calling him. It'll get really hard in about ten minutes when I'm on my way home. The phone will be luring me, but I'm going to try to be strong. I made up a list of rules for myself. Rules seem to help me, for some reason. Here they are. Maybe I'm nuts but I think there are others on here who go through the same junk I do:

Rules for NC time…

1. Don’t call. EVER. It doesn’t matter if you’re dying and he has the only oxygen. It doesn’t matter if it’s time to go home and you haven’t seen him all day. He’ll call when he’s ready

2. No running around in his area, hoping to run into him. Just disappear.

3. If he does call and ask you to come see him, be friendly but not flirtatious. Small talk. Make eye contact and smile, but don’t come onto him.

4. NO HONESTY. Honesty just causes fights, causes him to pull further away. Just keep your mouth shut and smile and act like you were acting two weeks ago. Smile. Never let him see that your heart is breaking.

5. Call and visit friends. You have plenty of ‘em. Don’t worry about being by the phone at the designated times. Minimize the difficulty by vanishing.

6. You have just a couple/few days left. Yes, it’ll be tough, but next week is just around the corner. He can’t hurt you next week. He can’t TOUCH your heart. Just keep telling yourself that. Getting closer to him is only going to make next week harder. Tell yourself your vacation starts today and go forward.

7. Remember the OVERALL PICTURE. This is just one day in that picture. He’ll come around again soon and then what? You’ll meet. Someday you will and you’re going to have to start preparing yourself for that. Focus on that, not on how he’s acting today. The more he pushes away, the stronger his feelings are. What’s he going to do? If he doesn’t put the brakes on, you’re headed, full-speed-ahead, toward that line. Someone has to stop things before you cross it.

8. PLEASE REMEMBER he’s thinking of you now just as much as before. He’s scared and will not admit that he’s thinking about you, but he is. He is fantasizing about meeting you, he’s realizing what you intended to do for him Wednesday morning. He’ll never, in a million years, tell you but it’s true.

9. This will get easier with time. You’ll feel stronger and he’ll pull you back in. Someday you’ll figure it all out, or die trying.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Thu, 12-18-2003 - 10:06am
Good job on the NC list, lilah! *wink* One of the things I have learnt over the years is never tell the truth to the offending party, It never helps... But you know, its hard to follow your own advice. :-)
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 12-18-2003 - 10:18am
lilah, i agree with boston here. honey, he's right, it sounds like your MM wants this R on his terms only and you must accept that fact or move on.

you are emotionally tied to him after almost 8 months, but it sure doesn't sound like he cares about you other than for a good sexual romp!

if you feel you deserve more, MM is NOT going to give it to you no matter how many letters, emails, phone calls you have with him about that. it is what it is and if you want to change up the rules now, well, all i can say is be prepared to be hurt over and over again.

sorry to be so blunt and i hope i didn't hurt your feelings, but you cannot force MM to be what you "want" him to be, he is what he is and you have to accept that!

good luck,

gurl

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 12-18-2003 - 10:25am
lilah, those rules are all good -- i hope you are strong enough to actually obey some of them! i don't want to put your MM down, no bashing here, i just want you to understand that men don't really change unless they want to, no matter how much we wish, hope, pray, or cater to them!

the only rule i would change is the honesty one -- i believe that honesty, and not the "gushing every single feeling and thought in your head" variety, but more the "i'm lonely, feeling neglected, not hearing/seeing from you enough" variety -- is the best policy.

again, best of luck with MM and i hope you feel better soon!

gurl

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
Thu, 12-18-2003 - 10:33am
Well, I've tried just about everything in the past 8 months and I like to think I've learned a lot. It gives me hope for the future that I keep getting wiser, because it's easier if I can avoid the offending activities. The first thing I learned, early on, was not to cling or whine. It totally turns him off. I didn't understand at first that when he gets busy with things, he won't call or come see me and there's not much I can do about it. I can't force him to do that. Actually I have BETTER luck if I back way the heck off and give him a chance to miss me. After a pretty short while he starts to wonder why I'm not calling. It only usually takes a day or two. Another thing I learned is not to start fights with him. He very specifically told me that he already has a W at home who gets mad at him over every little thing and he wants our R to be a positive thing. The big fight between us came only a little over a month ago when I directly confronted him about pulling away from me. I thought honesty would help...it didn't. I've basically vanished from sight and I intend to stay that way until he calls. I don't care if it isn't until January 7th or whatever. It'll hurt...it'll be hard, but my absence really does seem to make his heart grow fonder. Answer me this -- is there something wrong with me that I actually ENJOY being able to do this? It's empowering in a way, just not calling him and making him wonder. My biggest issue in this entire thing has been "control." I go really nuts when he takes over all the control, and he's never doing that more than when he's "too busy" to call or see me. So I freak out and cry and come here and vent... I never let HIM see it, of course, but I just can't handle having to sit here and wait for him to decide he has time for me. But it's as someone said earlier in this thread; the only way to get him to chase me is to stop chasing him. Truer words have never been spoken! The problem is, we have this Xmas party here tomorrow and we'll be forced to be in the same room. It makes him angry when I ignore him, but in that situation I can always say I felt like everyone was watching us, since there have been rumors. If all of today goes by and part of tomorrow without him attempting to call or see me, I intend to just go to the party and pretend he's not there. And if tomorrow still goes yucky, I won't show up at the gym this weekend, which'll really drive him crazy. That's the big thing I've learned in all this... That's why, when things were going well last week and part of this week I called him as often as I wanted to. I knew that when I started sensing him moving away, the calls were going to have to stop abruptly and they have. I'm not even tempted to pick up that phone... Now in a couple of hours, when we'd normally see each other, it's going to be hard, but you guys can talk me through it, can't you? :-)

Pages