MM is driving me crazy today...
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MM is driving me crazy today...
| Wed, 12-17-2003 - 1:43pm |
I SURE wish I could get better at handling MM's busy days. He can't seem to make a second for me today. I FINALLY got him on the phone for a few seconds, then he had to hang up because a co-worker was standing outside his office. Well, the co-worker is HERE, just walked by, and now MM is gone again. I probably won't get him 'til after lunch. How RUDE. And in the few seconds I DID talk to him, I told him I called him this morning from home, naked and alone. THAT apparently couldn't hold his attention enough to call me back... A history first: about two months ago, MM left late for work and he called me and we had one-sided phone sex. That freaked him out, so we went back to just flirting friends for a while. Then things started intensifying a couple of weeks ago, and yesterday we had discussion where we clarified, for the first time, that we're not working on a major relationship here...just sex. That I don't expect him to leave his W for me, in other words. So yesterday, he called and asked if I'd meet him in a certain room in this building and gratify him (we've never been physical outside of a couple of kisses). This was part of a bigger conversation where we just kept pushing the envelope... We were basically playing this game of chicken and he lost. I figured he'd chicken out, and sure enough, he did. I was REALLY relieved, but I'm just so tired of running in circles with him. I'm ready to either move forward or move on, if you know what I mean. Anyway, this morning I didn't have to be at work until late, so I called him, planning to return the favor with the phone sex thing. My heart was REALLY racing as I dialed the phone. I wasn't sure I could go through with it, and when he didn't answer, I was almost relieved. So I got to work, fully prepared to tell him all he missed, and we've just been missing each other all morning. Thing is -- tomorrow I'm going to be alone for a while in my office. I have a door I could shut and there's really no danger of anyone walking in because all my people are going to be out. Do you think I should go for it? I just don't know if I could do that at work. One other time he tried to get me to do it on the phone when no one was around, but someone walked into his office. I can't seem to isolate him even for five minutes without someone interrupting. Either his other line rings or someone walks in... He won't call on his cell phone because he's sure W will find out. I'm thinking I might ask him if he can find a phone where he WON'T be interrupted. You'd think if all he had to do was listen, it wouldn't be a big deal, but I'm sure I couldn't really enjoy it either if someone were standing in my office!

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I deserve so much more, and I think you know that. I deserve someone who respects me enough to call every now and then and let me know what’s going on. Who RETURNS A CALL when he says he’s going to. I’ve tried to be up-front and honest with you and all I want is for you to return the favor. I know you’re busy, but you know what? I’m busy too. I have a life outside of you and if you tell me you’re going to call back I really do expect you to do so, even if it’s just for a second. We get close, then you pull back and get suddenly, conveniently “busy” again. That’s fine if that’s the way you want to operate, but even you have to admit it’s not fair to me. I am a beautiful, intelligent woman who could likely have her pick of men, yet day after day I allow you to pull me along, then push me away like I’m some sort of toy. I pass men on the street who are looking at me like I’m the most beautiful woman in the world, and I wonder what they would think if they knew inside my heart was breaking. I just don’t know how to play the game anymore and I’m too tired to try. If I want you, I want you, and no amount of lying about it is going to change it. I don’t want to do anything about it today. I don’t want to meet you or kiss you or make love to you or anything like that. I want to flirt and talk and have fun… Yet you take it all SO SERIOUSLY. What do I have to say to let you know I’m not going to pressure you into anything? How can I make this easier on ME, because that’s all I want right now. I just want you to stop dragging my heart around.
I’ve been reading your posts since you’ve “returned” and I hope what advice I have to give will not be of any offense to you...
He’s dragging your heart around because you are allowing him. Stop obsessing over every little detail and look at the big picture, because it's quite simple -- if he really wants you, you will know without question. All of the other little things really don’t matter. You won’t have to worry whether he is going to pull back if you just relax and let him chase you, and if he doesn’t, I don’t think this will be any real loss for you. -- I remember your past descriptions of him, including that he has cheated before and the gossip that he may have even be abusive towards his wife –- am I remembering correctly? With all of this…combined with the one-sided phone sex (which doesn’t make him sound like a hell of a classy guy -- OR someone who is attuned to your wants and desires)…why are you even bothering?
I’m sorry, I don’t mean to be harsh, but this guy sounds like a genuine slime that will only use you and leave you feeling sordid.
Just think about it.
Charlotte
Edited 12/17/2003 3:35:52 PM ET by charlotte1203
And no, I'm not sending the letter. It just made me feel better to write it. It's now exactly eight minutes 'til time to go home and I'm not calling him. It'll get really hard in about ten minutes when I'm on my way home. The phone will be luring me, but I'm going to try to be strong. I made up a list of rules for myself. Rules seem to help me, for some reason. Here they are. Maybe I'm nuts but I think there are others on here who go through the same junk I do:
Rules for NC time…
1. Don’t call. EVER. It doesn’t matter if you’re dying and he has the only oxygen. It doesn’t matter if it’s time to go home and you haven’t seen him all day. He’ll call when he’s ready
2. No running around in his area, hoping to run into him. Just disappear.
3. If he does call and ask you to come see him, be friendly but not flirtatious. Small talk. Make eye contact and smile, but don’t come onto him.
4. NO HONESTY. Honesty just causes fights, causes him to pull further away. Just keep your mouth shut and smile and act like you were acting two weeks ago. Smile. Never let him see that your heart is breaking.
5. Call and visit friends. You have plenty of ‘em. Don’t worry about being by the phone at the designated times. Minimize the difficulty by vanishing.
6. You have just a couple/few days left. Yes, it’ll be tough, but next week is just around the corner. He can’t hurt you next week. He can’t TOUCH your heart. Just keep telling yourself that. Getting closer to him is only going to make next week harder. Tell yourself your vacation starts today and go forward.
7. Remember the OVERALL PICTURE. This is just one day in that picture. He’ll come around again soon and then what? You’ll meet. Someday you will and you’re going to have to start preparing yourself for that. Focus on that, not on how he’s acting today. The more he pushes away, the stronger his feelings are. What’s he going to do? If he doesn’t put the brakes on, you’re headed, full-speed-ahead, toward that line. Someone has to stop things before you cross it.
8. PLEASE REMEMBER he’s thinking of you now just as much as before. He’s scared and will not admit that he’s thinking about you, but he is. He is fantasizing about meeting you, he’s realizing what you intended to do for him Wednesday morning. He’ll never, in a million years, tell you but it’s true.
9. This will get easier with time. You’ll feel stronger and he’ll pull you back in. Someday you’ll figure it all out, or die trying.
you are emotionally tied to him after almost 8 months, but it sure doesn't sound like he cares about you other than for a good sexual romp!
if you feel you deserve more, MM is NOT going to give it to you no matter how many letters, emails, phone calls you have with him about that. it is what it is and if you want to change up the rules now, well, all i can say is be prepared to be hurt over and over again.
sorry to be so blunt and i hope i didn't hurt your feelings, but you cannot force MM to be what you "want" him to be, he is what he is and you have to accept that!
good luck,
gurl
the only rule i would change is the honesty one -- i believe that honesty, and not the "gushing every single feeling and thought in your head" variety, but more the "i'm lonely, feeling neglected, not hearing/seeing from you enough" variety -- is the best policy.
again, best of luck with MM and i hope you feel better soon!
gurl
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