MM is driving me crazy today...
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MM is driving me crazy today...
| Wed, 12-17-2003 - 1:43pm |
I SURE wish I could get better at handling MM's busy days. He can't seem to make a second for me today. I FINALLY got him on the phone for a few seconds, then he had to hang up because a co-worker was standing outside his office. Well, the co-worker is HERE, just walked by, and now MM is gone again. I probably won't get him 'til after lunch. How RUDE. And in the few seconds I DID talk to him, I told him I called him this morning from home, naked and alone. THAT apparently couldn't hold his attention enough to call me back... A history first: about two months ago, MM left late for work and he called me and we had one-sided phone sex. That freaked him out, so we went back to just flirting friends for a while. Then things started intensifying a couple of weeks ago, and yesterday we had discussion where we clarified, for the first time, that we're not working on a major relationship here...just sex. That I don't expect him to leave his W for me, in other words. So yesterday, he called and asked if I'd meet him in a certain room in this building and gratify him (we've never been physical outside of a couple of kisses). This was part of a bigger conversation where we just kept pushing the envelope... We were basically playing this game of chicken and he lost. I figured he'd chicken out, and sure enough, he did. I was REALLY relieved, but I'm just so tired of running in circles with him. I'm ready to either move forward or move on, if you know what I mean. Anyway, this morning I didn't have to be at work until late, so I called him, planning to return the favor with the phone sex thing. My heart was REALLY racing as I dialed the phone. I wasn't sure I could go through with it, and when he didn't answer, I was almost relieved. So I got to work, fully prepared to tell him all he missed, and we've just been missing each other all morning. Thing is -- tomorrow I'm going to be alone for a while in my office. I have a door I could shut and there's really no danger of anyone walking in because all my people are going to be out. Do you think I should go for it? I just don't know if I could do that at work. One other time he tried to get me to do it on the phone when no one was around, but someone walked into his office. I can't seem to isolate him even for five minutes without someone interrupting. Either his other line rings or someone walks in... He won't call on his cell phone because he's sure W will find out. I'm thinking I might ask him if he can find a phone where he WON'T be interrupted. You'd think if all he had to do was listen, it wouldn't be a big deal, but I'm sure I couldn't really enjoy it either if someone were standing in my office!

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Huh? I am a writer, so this is how I cope. I write things out. I make lists, I write letters to him that I end up tearing up and flushing down the toilet. I've probably written 50 letters to him since this started last spring and he's only seen three of them! Coming here and writing helps me think this thing out. Helping others on here also helps me get my mind off of him. If I'm doing mundane things, I find half of my mind is on that telephone and the other half is on the clock, watching to see how long I have before he'd normally call! Am I really messed up? Probably not anymore than everyone else on this list. I shared my "rules" in the hopes that someone else might be inspired to do something like that to help them through a rough time. And no matter how great everyone else's MMs/OMs are, there are always going to be rough times in an EMA. It's a roller-coaster; we just need something to get us through the downslides. I could sit here and cry and call him and leave a hundred voice mail messages, but that would be even more self-destructive. I like to look for the positive, even in bad times, and if making lists or writing reminders to myself makes me happy, it can't be a "messed up" thing, can it? It entertains me. It keeps me sane. I do whatever it takes...
“So many times things would have gone so much better had I just not analyzed every single little freakin' thing. I'm working on that. It's going to be my New Year's Resolution, I think!”
Please don’t think I am trying to bash you or your MM. I just felt that I should point out to you that it appears as if you consistently skim over many important issues that you should be considering -- especially given the fact that you are a ‘thinker’ or an over-analyzer! (And I say PURPOSELY because the novels you post on here show that you are indeed thinking, thinking, thinking!)
And I have to ask you, what makes you think that you are in love with him? Because you two talk and flirt with each other at work and at the gym? Because there is a connection? It sounds like you are confusing infatuation with love …What makes you think he is in love with you? Now please, don’t be offended, but I don’t know, I don’t think a quick bj in a storeroom is an indication of his love for you -- lust definitely, but love?
I’m sure there is much more to your story, but from what you’ve written, it just doesn’t sound very good.
Please be careful, and good luck!!
Oh, and I hope I’m wrong…
Charlotte
Please remember that this is only the advice of one woman trying to help out another!!!:)
Edited 12/18/2003 12:07:20 PM ET by charlotte1203
some of us fierce females might jump on your MM's case when you post about your hurt feelings or his nc and such, but we really do care, or we wouldn't reply, now would we!
stay with us, k?
gurl
Edited 2/17/2004 2:46:45 PM ET by gurlfriend50
The bj conversation, taken out of context, does sound pretty bad. For the past eight months he's been trying to hold out. His perspective is that if we can just keep this at friendship level until his daughter gets older, someday maybe we'll be together. He doesn't want to cheat...not anymore than we're cheating now. But it's inevitable, if we keep going, that this is heading in a physical direction. I personally am tired of being in limbo. I'm just ready for this to go SOMEWHERE or nowhere at all. The bj thing came after I point-blank told him exactly what I posted here earlier...that I don't see us being together. I see us staying in our marriages and having sex on the side. That was the first time I'd ever told him that (although I'd certainly thought it for a while, so I was surprised I'd never communicated it!) and I think for a moment it freed him up to think of this as no big deal. He was basically being offered free sex and he was tempted. That wasn't what I was trying to communicate, but I think he missed the point. Now he's avoiding me as though I'm some sort of evil temptress. He'll be back, but I don't know if I should tell him I'm not ready for sex yet or I should just keep going, pushing him along, and hope I am ready by the time he is...
And no, I don't skim over the important issues. I think about them constantly. I just don't post all my doubts here. Believe me, I've had them. Plenty of them. I just, for the life of me, can't figure out what to do to get out of this. Once you start down that path there really is no going back. I can't go back to the numb, bored person I once was. Yes, there is a lot of pain with this EMA but I'm LIVING LIFE for the first time in a long, long time. I can't give that up. I would rather have the pain.
Edited 12/18/2003 1:47:27 PM ET by charmed1007
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