MM is driving me crazy today...

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
MM is driving me crazy today...
19
Wed, 12-17-2003 - 1:43pm
I SURE wish I could get better at handling MM's busy days. He can't seem to make a second for me today. I FINALLY got him on the phone for a few seconds, then he had to hang up because a co-worker was standing outside his office. Well, the co-worker is HERE, just walked by, and now MM is gone again. I probably won't get him 'til after lunch. How RUDE. And in the few seconds I DID talk to him, I told him I called him this morning from home, naked and alone. THAT apparently couldn't hold his attention enough to call me back... A history first: about two months ago, MM left late for work and he called me and we had one-sided phone sex. That freaked him out, so we went back to just flirting friends for a while. Then things started intensifying a couple of weeks ago, and yesterday we had discussion where we clarified, for the first time, that we're not working on a major relationship here...just sex. That I don't expect him to leave his W for me, in other words. So yesterday, he called and asked if I'd meet him in a certain room in this building and gratify him (we've never been physical outside of a couple of kisses). This was part of a bigger conversation where we just kept pushing the envelope... We were basically playing this game of chicken and he lost. I figured he'd chicken out, and sure enough, he did. I was REALLY relieved, but I'm just so tired of running in circles with him. I'm ready to either move forward or move on, if you know what I mean. Anyway, this morning I didn't have to be at work until late, so I called him, planning to return the favor with the phone sex thing. My heart was REALLY racing as I dialed the phone. I wasn't sure I could go through with it, and when he didn't answer, I was almost relieved. So I got to work, fully prepared to tell him all he missed, and we've just been missing each other all morning. Thing is -- tomorrow I'm going to be alone for a while in my office. I have a door I could shut and there's really no danger of anyone walking in because all my people are going to be out. Do you think I should go for it? I just don't know if I could do that at work. One other time he tried to get me to do it on the phone when no one was around, but someone walked into his office. I can't seem to isolate him even for five minutes without someone interrupting. Either his other line rings or someone walks in... He won't call on his cell phone because he's sure W will find out. I'm thinking I might ask him if he can find a phone where he WON'T be interrupted. You'd think if all he had to do was listen, it wouldn't be a big deal, but I'm sure I couldn't really enjoy it either if someone were standing in my office!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Thu, 12-18-2003 - 10:43am
OMG, lilah, you are really messed up, LOL. *jk* You want to stop thinking about MM?? Answer my question to kgmsam's post. That will get you off him for a 20 mins, considering the amount you write. LOL *jk*
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
Thu, 12-18-2003 - 11:08am
Oh, that's not true at all. I think it's really hard to judge him based on what I've posted here because I post here most of the time when I'm trying to convince myself he can't hurt me. I don't post about all the wonderful things he does. I TOTALLY respect him being terrified of this R. He feels incredibly guilty; he loves his wife but she beats down his ego a lot. His biggest flaw is falling in love with someone while being married to someone else...twice. He fell in love with his wife while they were married to others and fought his attraction to her for a couple of years before giving in. She tried to coax him into sex but he fought it off as long as he could. He's doing the same thing to me. Two days ago he had the opportunity to have no-strings-attached sexual relations with me and he refused. He was tempted...he almost did...but he didn't, and that's really the last real conversation I had with him. The incident freaked him out; I could see it in his eyes yesterday. He left here and went home to that little girl and his wife and realized how close he is pushing it. To be honest with you, the incident freaked me out a whole lot and this time it wasn't about my fear of him pushing me away. In October, when we were joking around about meeting, I was almost nauseous for the whole week. I remember the night before Halloween, sitting on the sofa in my husband's arms, wishing he could protect me from doing something stupid. Halloween day was the day MM avoided me and we were on shaky ground for a while. This week, when he offered to meet me down here for basically oral gratification and I agreed, I felt that same nausea when I thought it might happen for real, only not quite as strong. What scares me is that each time he starts getting weak again, we get closer and closer to doing the deed. I think all of us handle these As differently and for MM, he feels when things get really intense that he has to get away from it for a while. He told me just a week ago that if he didn't put on the brakes every now and then, we'd be in big trouble. I told him that if he didn't put them on, I would, but I'm not so sure. I tend to follow his lead, which is my biggest flaw. If I'd rejected his offer to meet the other day, what would have happened? Whenever he gets intense, I have two choices. I can hold him at bay and maybe delay him getting scared, or I can push things as far along as they'll go and to heck with the consequences. I'm beginning to think the latter is the best option for getting somewhere with this guy!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
Thu, 12-18-2003 - 11:21am
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Huh? I am a writer, so this is how I cope. I write things out. I make lists, I write letters to him that I end up tearing up and flushing down the toilet. I've probably written 50 letters to him since this started last spring and he's only seen three of them! Coming here and writing helps me think this thing out. Helping others on here also helps me get my mind off of him. If I'm doing mundane things, I find half of my mind is on that telephone and the other half is on the clock, watching to see how long I have before he'd normally call! Am I really messed up? Probably not anymore than everyone else on this list. I shared my "rules" in the hopes that someone else might be inspired to do something like that to help them through a rough time. And no matter how great everyone else's MMs/OMs are, there are always going to be rough times in an EMA. It's a roller-coaster; we just need something to get us through the downslides. I could sit here and cry and call him and leave a hundred voice mail messages, but that would be even more self-destructive. I like to look for the positive, even in bad times, and if making lists or writing reminders to myself makes me happy, it can't be a "messed up" thing, can it? It entertains me. It keeps me sane. I do whatever it takes...

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Thu, 12-18-2003 - 11:42am
Well my dear passionate writer, don't flush any more letters down the toilet!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2003
Thu, 12-18-2003 - 11:44am
lilah, you are too damn funny…

“So many times things would have gone so much better had I just not analyzed every single little freakin' thing. I'm working on that. It's going to be my New Year's Resolution, I think!”

Please don’t think I am trying to bash you or your MM. I just felt that I should point out to you that it appears as if you consistently skim over many important issues that you should be considering -- especially given the fact that you are a ‘thinker’ or an over-analyzer! (And I say PURPOSELY because the novels you post on here show that you are indeed thinking, thinking, thinking!)

And I have to ask you, what makes you think that you are in love with him? Because you two talk and flirt with each other at work and at the gym? Because there is a connection? It sounds like you are confusing infatuation with love …What makes you think he is in love with you? Now please, don’t be offended, but I don’t know, I don’t think a quick bj in a storeroom is an indication of his love for you -- lust definitely, but love?

I’m sure there is much more to your story, but from what you’ve written, it just doesn’t sound very good.

Please be careful, and good luck!!

Oh, and I hope I’m wrong…

Charlotte



Please remember that this is only the advice of one woman trying to help out another!!!:)


Edited 12/18/2003 12:07:20 PM ET by charlotte1203

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 12-18-2003 - 11:56am
lilah, honey, write it all out - the rules, your thoughts and feelings, your hurts and woes, all of it - that's what we're here for!!

some of us fierce females might jump on your MM's case when you post about your hurt feelings or his nc and such, but we really do care, or we wouldn't reply, now would we!

stay with us, k?

gurl




Edited 2/17/2004 2:46:45 PM ET by gurlfriend50
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
Thu, 12-18-2003 - 12:17pm
Yeah, I would save them all but there's nowhere to hide them. H is very nosy and I can just imagine him finding them! I'm writing all the time because I write fiction, and he knows to stay out of my notebook, so I'll write them and leave them in there a day or two sometimes. They're always vague enough that if he found them he wouldn't necessarily know what they are, but I'm sure it would give him reason to be suspicious. Back last summer the notes I wrote were very positive and ego-building. Those were the few I shared with him. Now I tend to write more when I'm upset, like now, to try to talk myself through it. (That's what "the rules" were.) Those aren't things I'd ever show him because they would kill his ego. I list out his flaws, one by one, I remind myself I'm way too good for him. You know, nutsy stuff like that! If there's one thing I've learned, it's that I get better results by building his ego rather than tearing it down. If he knew all the flaws I'd listed, he'd feel pretty bad about himself. Maybe I need to try writing a positive, ego-building note and giving it to him. Maybe I'll do that around the time he stops being a butthead!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
Thu, 12-18-2003 - 12:28pm
I don't know if it's love. I guess I spoke too soon. I think he's more of an ADDICTION than anything else. He brings out a side of me that no one ever has. A sexy, flirtatious side, and I need that. I feed off of it. When we're at our best, my marriage is at its best. When we're at our worst, my marriage is still at its best. It's the in-between times, when things are kind of steady and stable, that I get bored with my marriage. If you can explain that, then you're much better than I am!

The bj conversation, taken out of context, does sound pretty bad. For the past eight months he's been trying to hold out. His perspective is that if we can just keep this at friendship level until his daughter gets older, someday maybe we'll be together. He doesn't want to cheat...not anymore than we're cheating now. But it's inevitable, if we keep going, that this is heading in a physical direction. I personally am tired of being in limbo. I'm just ready for this to go SOMEWHERE or nowhere at all. The bj thing came after I point-blank told him exactly what I posted here earlier...that I don't see us being together. I see us staying in our marriages and having sex on the side. That was the first time I'd ever told him that (although I'd certainly thought it for a while, so I was surprised I'd never communicated it!) and I think for a moment it freed him up to think of this as no big deal. He was basically being offered free sex and he was tempted. That wasn't what I was trying to communicate, but I think he missed the point. Now he's avoiding me as though I'm some sort of evil temptress. He'll be back, but I don't know if I should tell him I'm not ready for sex yet or I should just keep going, pushing him along, and hope I am ready by the time he is...

And no, I don't skim over the important issues. I think about them constantly. I just don't post all my doubts here. Believe me, I've had them. Plenty of them. I just, for the life of me, can't figure out what to do to get out of this. Once you start down that path there really is no going back. I can't go back to the numb, bored person I once was. Yes, there is a lot of pain with this EMA but I'm LIVING LIFE for the first time in a long, long time. I can't give that up. I would rather have the pain.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Thu, 12-18-2003 - 1:44pm
Lilah, my journal is one thing I have managed so far to keep out of my husband's reach. He is a very "aware", he can pick up the slightest change. Its really very hard to hide from him and plus I do not want to do too many things I want to hide from him. I started my journal way before XOM came into the picture so it was nothing out of the ordinary. I write it at home and take it to work with me. I usually keep it with me in the office in a file cabinet in a corner next to my personal stuff and lock it.


Edited 12/18/2003 1:47:27 PM ET by charmed1007

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