MM having a baby

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2004
MM having a baby
8
Sat, 03-13-2004 - 3:27pm
Hey everyone. During anyone's A's did anyone's OM have a pregnant wife or was having a baby? Did it change the A when the baby arrived or even prior? Did it end the A? We started the A after finding out she was pregnant, so I wonder if it will matter. Any men out there with input on how having a baby during an A affected you and the A?

MM's having a baby in a couple of months and I even get to help plan the baby shower at work, fun huh? :\

I was just wondering...

ibc

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
Sat, 03-13-2004 - 5:17pm
I don't have personal experience in this area but I am sure there a couple of posters on this board whose wife got pregnant when they were in the affair. Stick around and find out more from them.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Sat, 03-13-2004 - 9:43pm
Actually MM and I were in an emotional affair for about 4 months when I found out I was pregnant. I was 2 months pregnant the first time we actually saw each other and kissed. We have a somewhat physical relationship but it is not sexual. Then bout 2 months later his W got pregnant. I was more concerned about his reaction to our EMA after his baby was born than my own. He had his baby about 3 months ago and things have not changed at all. Although we haven't seen each other in a while b/c of our schedules, we are still as emotionally connected as ever.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2004
Sun, 03-14-2004 - 8:53am
Hi there...hope this helps. I started an affair w/a MM last summer...nice guy, we clicked right away...I was not looking for anything at the time. Actually, I was really surprised that it all happened. Anyway, he did not tell me his wife was preganant when we started seeing each other. Not that this matters, I guess, but she was VERY pregnant...almost to term. I was upset that he was not honest with me at first, but I got over it. The one thing I've noticed is that (of course) his is really distracted by the birth of his daughter. We have not been able to see each other in months, although we chat online or talk on the phone a couple of times a week. Also complicating this is that he lives in Boston, I am in Maine...going there to see him is hard for me, and his wife watches him like a hawk, so coming up here is impossible for him. I'm thinking that if we don't see each other again soon, I will need to break it off. I just need to see him more frequently than once in six months!! (Guess it's a good thing I wasn't looking for love in the first place...) I wish I could say that the new baby in your MM's life won't really change things, but, especially if it's a first baby, it probably will. It did in my case....
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
Sun, 03-14-2004 - 10:08pm
Sorry it took me so long to respond to this. My W was a couple of months along when I started talking to my OW online. Soon we were talking on the phone and started falling for one another. We met once (she lives 300 miles away) and things escalated from there. I told my W I was in love with someone else and she begged me to work on the M. I felt it was the only fair thing to do so I ended contact with the OW and my W and I started counseling. At some point though, I realized that all the problems in my marriage were not only valid, but were deeper and more important than I had fathomed. And at some point OW and I started talking online again. It has been a slow process, but she and I connected even more deeply than before and I have seen her once more since then. At this point I am planning to separate from my W after the birth of the baby. She is aware of my feelings and of my intention to separate. I do plan to begin a real relationship with the OW once she is no longer the OW and I do hope we can build a long term relationship, possibly leading to us spending our lives together.

I wanted to give you all the details so you knew how my situation was similar to yours and how it is different. I am in love with my OW and that hasn't changed and won't change after the baby is born either. But then I've worked through a lot of my issues in counseling so I have a confidence some men may not. No one knows if his feelings will change except him because no one else really knows how conflicted he may be inside. All you can do is ask him and take him at his word. If he is lying, you will be hurt. But part of any relationship is putting your trust in the other person. I wish you luck as you move forward and please be understanding as his emotions are likely to be pulled in every direction imaginable.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2004
Mon, 03-15-2004 - 7:06am
I wish you the best of luck. In my case baby was the best thing that could have happened for my MM. I have 2 kids of my own and 1 step child and he kept saying he was ok with not having kids. Almost a year into the A, found out she was pregnant. I won't say that I was completely crushed when he told me but I love him and with some time it was fine. I'm glad that he had his own little boy which now makes 3 boys when we get together.Baby boy turns 1 next month and my oldest turns 12. Sometimes wonder about doing the step mom thing over but we're working on it one day at a time. We don't get to see each other as much but we still talk on the phone all the time. I guess it depends what you want out of the A if baby changes it or not, that's totally up to you. Good luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
Mon, 03-15-2004 - 6:33pm

Hi ibc,


I've been on both sides of the coin in regards to this.

Sweet
Co-Community Leader My

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2004
Tue, 03-16-2004 - 8:22pm
Hi Omaha,

I feel honored to get a reply post from you! :) I see how well respected you are on this board and you always seem so honest and give good advice. I was hoping you would respond to this one. Unfortunately you and my MM are very different. You obviously love you OW very much and want a future with her and are taking steps towards that future no matter how difficult it is for you and your W. My MM does not love me, we are in a new A, 3 months, and he never talks about a future together. I don't think that what we have is strong enough to hold through having a baby. It took him a little while to deal with his guilt with the A and continue it, but to have a baby involved, I could imagine it must be very difficult and since he does not love me, he probably will end it. That makes me very sad, but I knew his W was pregnant when we started this, but couldn't help it. Again thanks for sharing. You are a good man and a brave one to stand up for what you want in your life and still be supportive on your W even though you are both going through a difficult time. I am glad you have found happiness with your OW and still hope for the same for your W. Take care.

ibc

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
Wed, 03-17-2004 - 9:24am
Thank you for the kind words. I always try to give my honest opinions and support here.

Regarding your situation, I think your best approach is caution. If he has always viewed this as basically a FWB situation, you're right that he is likely to end the A after the baby is born. He will be overwhelmed with the emotions of bringing a child into the world and will want to deal with his homelife first and foremost. You should probably prepare yourself for this fact and in the meantime, move on with your life a bit. This man doesn't see a future with you so odds are there won't be one. But you do have a future and there is no reason you shouldn't be pursuing it. I'll be honest, I think this man will eventually come back to you. Even if he isn't in love, I'm sure he enjoyed your R as it was and won't be satisfied without it. But this may not happen for months. And by then, you may not want things back the way they were. But you can cross that bridge when you come to it. For now, plan on moving on without him. I know this will be difficult for you, but for your own sake and his, you'll have to try. Good luck and if you need support, don't hesitate to ask.