MM mentioning W in conversation

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2009
MM mentioning W in conversation
13
Thu, 01-22-2009 - 12:24am

I'm new to the board and have been reading the posts.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-30-2008
Thu, 01-22-2009 - 12:53am
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Edited 2/21/2009 4:56 am ET by goblinqueen79
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2009
Thu, 01-22-2009 - 7:32am
What was the context? If I mention my W its not often but in the context of my day or my what may be going on in my life. I usually don't make it anything significant. I try to be sensitive - though one time AP complained - though she did mention H on numerous occasions but that doesnt bother - so I guess you should simply express your discomfort.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2007
Thu, 01-22-2009 - 8:39am

I'm a married woman with a single AP (for 10 years now). In the beginning (maybe the first couple of years) I seemed to go out of my way to keep my H out of the conversation. But it was difficult. If H and I went to a party, did I say "I" went to a party, or "we" went to a party, or did I leave the party out of the conversation because I didn't want him mulling over the fact that my H and I might have had a good time? But maybe I wanted to share stuff with him about the guests and the flirty guy and the woman with the scandalous dress?... How could I do that without mentioning H, and maybe even the fact that H danced with the scandalous dressed woman etc.? LOL!

You see, the more you share your life with someone the more you HAVE to mention spouses. Otherwise, your AP is simply "censoring", and you might actually like some of the stuff he/she will tell you if they don't feel the need to "censor".

Another thing I've noticed here that a lot of people do is feel obligated to "put down" their spouse if they do mention them. In the "party" example, one strategy might be to say "we" went to a party but H chose his usual terrible clothes and was his usual anti-social bore at the party - in an attempt to make the AP feel better about the whole situation. I have a feeling that when APs use this strategy they are greatly exaggerating or outright lying about it. I don't do that. My AP knows that H and I have a social life and we do have fun together. How can I share my life with him if I'm lying about it? How can I share my life if I have to censor and think about everything I say?

I don't think the truth bothers him, at least he's getting the truth and the "real me".

Some would say that I fell from grace... but I didn't.

Proud to be a



You've got a lot of choices. I
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2008
Thu, 01-22-2009 - 8:56am

AP #1 would mention his W mostly when he wanted to complain about her but never called her by name and just "my W". Their R seemed like a roller coaster ride itself.

AP #2 would mention his W and call her by name but maybe that had something to do with me knowing him for awhile as a co-worker before it became physical. He also said he was only there because he wouldn't have enough left over after paying child support to support himself and that he no longer wanted to work things out with her. They had been separated twice before.

EA #3 hardly ever mentions his W and has never called her by name. I asked him why he never mentions her and he said because then he thinks about her and feels guilty. They get along well and he says they're compatible but are lacking in the bedroom.

I guess that it depends on their R with their S and how they feel about them or maybe how much they care about you and your feelings.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2008
Thu, 01-22-2009 - 11:38am

AP will ocassionally mention his W-- its normally in relation to the kids.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2000
Thu, 01-22-2009 - 4:37pm
Your position is a tough one. You're single, he's married. He goes home to a wife and family, you go home to yourself. I suspect that you're the one that wants more, and he's probably content with how things are. Such a tough situation. If your desire is to remain in this affair, I think the only way you can maintain your sanity through it is to just not ask. Chances are pretty good, I'm sorry to tell you, that he does sleep with his wife. Maybe even still loves her. Many married men do. So for you to function in this, I think you just have to turn a blind eye. If you're able to squeeze some happiness from a relationship like this then you might be ok. But if you're like many others that have come before you, I think you will probably get to the point where the pain of loving someone that has somebody else is going to become just too much to bear. We're here for you regardless.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2009
Thu, 01-22-2009 - 6:40pm
I can relate very well to exactly what your saying here.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2008
Thu, 01-22-2009 - 7:11pm

AP and I were both M when we started our A. We were both having issues with our spouses. He told me he wanted to know what was going on in my life, so I told him some stuff. Not too much though. Of course I would mention my H as that was part of my issue, especially when we separated. AP mentioned his W too, mostly in relation to the kids. I didn't have a problem with it and neither did he, as he put it, they are in our lives. Just before AP and his W split up, he stopped calling her my wife, or by her name and started referring to her as the mother of my children.

Pisces

pisces
pisces
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-15-2003
Thu, 01-22-2009 - 7:45pm
both my current APs rarely ever mention W, if they do they say "she".
~k
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2008
Thu, 01-22-2009 - 7:59pm

Hey Pink,


I hope your AP is available for drinks next week!! A month is a really long time.

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