MM moving out! What to do???

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
MM moving out! What to do???
11
Thu, 07-10-2003 - 1:13pm
I am not sure who remembers me here - I see so many new faces but I think the oldtimers still lurk. Anyway, I can't believe it but MM is moving out of his house this weekend! I am shocked since I thought he would never leave his family. Its true he is very unhappy and has been for years but I just never thought it would really happen. His W told him last week to make a decision about their M one way or the other. I didn't think she would really let him leave but she is a stronger woman than myslef I guess. And here's me, still sitting on the fence! I have complained about H and told MM how much I love him but actually moving out terrifies me! On the other hand, I can't move further down the road with H - he has wanted to buy a home for a long time now (way before MM)but I can't make any committments to him. No children either. H has a very bad temper and an "angry personality". He has been very mean to me over the years (been married for 2yrs, together for 4) and last month it crossed the line into physical when he grabbed me and left strangle marks on my neck from a choke hold. He swears that was the only time that woudl ever happen but I unsure. We have separate bedrooms now even though not married for that long. SO even though all this, I am STILL so afraid to leave. Now I have the extra pressure of MM being free. He is being very good about not pressuring me but he wants a chance to be a real couple and I know he will not be the OM for long. He has moved from a state 45 mintues away into my city, about 15 minutes from where H and I live and closer to where MM and I work. I know he did this so we could see each other more. He has made a giant effort and all I've done is talk.

Any advice? Has anyone been in the situation where MM left his house first? What happened?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
Thu, 07-10-2003 - 1:53pm
Ivy,

I don't know what advice to give you about your MM, but I will tell you this: If your H has physically harmed you, you HAVE to get away from him. He sounds like the type of person that will not let you leave if you choose to. Please be very careful! If you are already to the point of sleeping in separate bedrooms, then get out. There is a reason that you don't share his bed, and I don't think that it has anything to do with your MM. I wouldn't normally say this to someone that I don't know, but for your own safety, you need to leave the situation that you are in with your H. What would he do if he found out about you and your MM? It doesn't sound like he would handle it very well.

<>. What is it going to take for you to take care of yourself and save yourself from your H??? I can see why you would want to have an A having this type of H, but come on, please think about this sentence that you wrote...You KNOW you don't need someone else telling you that you need to leave. You said that he got physical this time, but he said it wouldn't happen again??? It only takes once. The next time, he may kill you. Think of it in terms like that.

<> There is no pressure with MM being free. The only pressure that you have is that you are AFRAID, and it's the pressure that you are putting on yourself to stay in a marriage that doesn't sound like it will get better. Please get yourself to a safe place. Don't leave your H for OM, leave for YOU!

H&H

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 07-10-2003 - 2:01pm
Thanks H,

Yes you are right about H finding out. He said a few months ago that if I was having an A, he'd "put me in the hospital" but then he said he was joking. You are right though, I am very scared to make a change.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Thu, 07-10-2003 - 2:07pm
Ivy-

Ok - first off I am not going to preach here - but you need to understand how dangerous your situation with H is. Physical abuse that includes choking has an eventual death rate of about 75% for the victim and the fact that H began with choking is even more disturbing.

Regardless of MM situation - protect yourself. You fortunately do not have children with H. I cannot and wil not tell you to leave - that has to be your decision but please, please, please seek help.

You are in my thoughts and prayers-

adlong

Avatar for imopus
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Thu, 07-10-2003 - 2:13pm
ivy... i remember you and you need to get out now... your putting yourself at risk by staying with H... you shouldn't leave for MM but you should leave for yourself... your friends and family will support you if you let them know how scary living with your H is... please take care of yourself...

opus

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 07-10-2003 - 2:32pm
Hi Ivy -

There is nothing to be scared of in change - you have experienced change all your life when you think about it. You've made your own decisions which caused many of those changes. The decisions you made - whatever the change - were right for you at the time you made them.

Envision the change you want to happen - plant the seed in your mind - concentrate on that, act on it and move towards it. You'll subconsciously gain strength as you do so.

And, reach out for support in your own community and family to help you.

You're strong, and you CAN do it! Please, be sure to report back! Of course we're worried for you.

((Hugs)),

Meow

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
Thu, 07-10-2003 - 2:55pm
Ivy,

I am glad that you see that there is a problem with your H. Even though you said that he told you that he was joking when he said he would "put you in the hospital", I don't believe he was joking. People that truly love you don't speak to you like that. He told you that to scare you, and that is exactly what he did. He scared you into staying with him.

Please be careful! I think that the situation here is worse than you might choose to believe because you always want to see the best in people that we care about--at least that is my opinion and how I feel.

If you need help, please contact someone that you can trust to help you. Change is not always a bad thing. I have not been in the position that you are in, but I do feel for you and how scared you must be. But please, find the strength to take care of yourself and this situation.

H&H

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 07-10-2003 - 3:05pm
Hi Meow,

I haven't seen your name is quite a while. I guess you are a lurker like me? I actually have been in and out of the office and not much time to post really. How is everything?

Everyone is very concerned about H and his anger. All justified. He IS in therapy for 6 months now but obviously, its not 100% working. To be honest, I haven't been into saving this marriage for longer than the incident with the chockhold happened.

I am still shocked that MM is moving out. Noone mentioned anything about that, I guess I shouldn;t have put the violence thing in maybe. Our A has been 4 months so far but now I feel like its a real realtionship (ie. serious) and it kindof freaks me out. Him moving into my part of the city (about 13 blocks away) gives me very mixed feelings. Part of me is like, wow! he is so close! but the opposite part of me is like, OMG! He is so close! I won't be able to walk a block with H without terror. There's numberous places we could all run into each other. I mean, if I moved out first, I woudl NEVER move 13 blocks away from his house. 13 miles isn't far enough! He is fine with me taking my time moving out only that he wants to know if I am done with my marriage. If I am not, he will back far far away. So he's not stalking me or anything. I have given him the impression that I am just about out the door. All I know is when I do move, I'm moving to a different area. I need some space and dont want to jump into a new heavyduty relationship.

I have a strange quality which makes guys obsessive. Or I attract obsessive guys....

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
Thu, 07-10-2003 - 8:02pm
Hi ivy... yes, I do remember you... just not quite sure on your exact story... but that doesn't matter at the moment.

I just have to echo the others about needing to get away from DH... no one should be treated that way... not even once. Make the break for you... use resources in your neighbourhood if you have to... but just get away.

As for MM... I would explain to him that you need time to get your life sorted out... you need the time to get away from DH and then to see where you need to go. If he does love you... then he will give you the space and time that you do need.

please let us know how things pan out.

luv and hugs

Sweet

Sweet
Co-Community Leader My

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2003
Thu, 07-10-2003 - 8:41pm
I'm sorry, I don't have time to read all the responses, so I'm probably just saying what others have, but my advice to you is GET THE HELL OUT!!! It will NOT be the only time he hurts you. Make whatever long-term decision you need to with OM once the dust settles, but the primary concern must be your safety. GET THE HELL OUT!!! If he gets physical with you when you leave, CALL THE COPS. Get a restraining order. That way he'll have to be gone from the apartment when you come back for your stuff. DON'T ALLOW YOURSELF TO BECOME A VICTIM!!! YOU DESERVE BETTER!!!!

Do I sound like I speak from experience? I do. Trust me. GET THE HELL OUT!! NOW. While that one bruise is all you had. It only gets worse, it NEVER gets better. It may get worse slowly, and that's the evil lure, but IT DOES GET WORSE!!!

GET OUT!!!

Good luck and please keep us posted as to how you're doing.

Lucky

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 07-11-2003 - 12:27am
Hi Ivy -

No, I've not been posting alot except in the past few days - had problems with logging in to post, and have been busy! All is fine with me (today anyway!) - thanks for asking!

I think I'm the only one that didn't mention to "get out now" - it's not because I'm not concerned. I'm not assuming, but thought perhaps H wasn't able to control his anger, and maybe he's been abusive before (verbally or physically)?, and maybe a bit controlling? I remember you had talked about leaving the marriage before. Do you think part of the reason you are scared about change is the effect to your self-worth due to H's actions/talk? I can't recall if someone has suggested for you to see a therapist, or if you are seeing one, but just as in alcoholics' or disease victims' spouses/family seeing a counsellor/support group for having lived with (and in some cases enabled) the situation and need to work through it, so do you.

Ivy, why did you mention the fact that MM isn't stalking you? I do remember you talking about his not being able to handle knowing you have sex with H (does he still obsess over it?). Perhaps you considered the possibility that he is?

I believe I've said this before, that this length of time - even 4 months - is not really any length of time for a relationship to properly develop, and especially an EMA. So, I was glad to hear that you are not running straight to MM! Hmmmm...you "have given him the impression" that you are about out the door - what do you mean by *impression* - are you being honest with him? Oh, and another thought on MM - is he still acting the "victim"?

I think you hit the proverbial nail on the head when you said, "I have a strange quality which makes guys obsessive. Or I attract obsessive guys...." How can you make men obsessive - I don't think you can because that is something going on in their mind. But the last part, "I attract obsessive guys" - well yes I think that *could* very well be true. Something in your subconscious perhaps causes you to act/talk/think/show emotion/body language/etc. in a way that attracts certain characters. Like a mirror, you are reflecting something. The subconscious acts on the memory of what the conscious has put there by thought or action. You are maybe acting/talking/thinking/etc. in a repetitive way because of what is in your subconscious - and in a way that allows you to only be attracted to, or to attract, certain characters. I hope that makes sense. In short, you see a pattern - the good news is that you can break that pattern by talking with a therapist who will draw out what that is in your subconscious by asking you questions that causes you to delve in to your inner mind, or you can yourself change the pattern by consciously putting other thoughts and actions into your subconscious. I have BTDT with attracting a certain character repeatedly (though MM is different).

Just all my opinion.

Space is good Ivy - you need time for YOU! It certainly sounds like you know where you need to go, it's just getting there. Know you are strong enough!

Ivy, don't leave it another month now to update us!

Hugs,

Meow

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